This blog is to keep track of my writing (from Oct. '14 onward), saving tips and tricks I find, little rants or raves, and so on. If you don't like it, kindly leave. I am a fangirl and reviewer, so do tend to post on that note as well.
I want stuff gone, and so many people have come to me lately asking about items I would sell. This is the official list (for now) of everything that is available to me to sell in my StarBazaar.
[ BY FASHION ] (everything is in Stardollars - SD - unless states it is in sc - Starcoins)
SHIRTS:
BF Blue Tee (sc)
White 1920s Top
Fallen Angel Top
(sc)
Thilly Pullover
DRESSES:
Flounce Dress (sc)
One-Shoulder Dress
R&B diva dress
Butterfly T-shirt
Dress
Butterfly Hem Tess
Dress (sc)
Maggie dress
Ribboned Babydoll
Dress
New Years Eve
Party Dress (sc)
Valentines Day
Dress
Halter Dress
Leopard Detailed
Tube Dress
One Shoulder Dress
Cut Out Tube Dress
Dress Inspired by
Balmain
Rio party dress
Ashley Prom Dress
JACKET/VEST/SWEATER:
Double Breasted
Jacket (sc)
Rock N Roll Vest
Long White
Tailored Vest
SHOES:
Bow Front Sandals
(sc)
Soft Fluff Heels
ACCESSORIES:
Stardoll bangles
(sc)
Lilac Leg Warmer
(sc)
Sharp bracelet
(sc)
Stardoll Belt (sc)
PURSES:
Red & Gold
Purse (sc)
Hilary Handbag
PANTS/JEANS/ETC:
Capri Pants (sc)
SKIRTS:
Idoru cherry skirt
Ashley Demin Skirt
(sc)
Sabrina Skirt (sc)
Striped Top w/Belt
(sc)
HATS:
Folk hat (sc)
SETS:
Velour Set (Pants
& Jumper) (sc)
Acne Inspired
Minidress & Capri Leggings
OTHER:
Tie Side Bikini
Pants
Color Arm Sleeve
Tattoo (sc)
Agnetha Sarong
(sc)
Claire wings
THEMED:
Santa Hat (sc)
Indian Shoes (why
they not called moccasins?) (sc)
Hot Buys:
Hot Buys Top (is
it HK?)
Bikini Necklace
Dress (one that
was 48; pink, one shoulder)
Earrings (x2) [in
jewelry]
Pink Bow [jewelry]
Designed Stuff:
Blazer (I designed
when I had no design sense) (sc)
Dress (again no
design sense) (sc)
Leggings (sc)
AVAILABLE DKNY:
Pocket Dress w/ belted Waist [Blue, Black] 40 each Stripe Sheath Dress
35 DKNY Gift Maxi Dress 100
Summer Shorts 25 Black Skirt with Rhinestones 100-150 Geo
Printskirt 75
Obi Sash Pink 30 Gold Buckle Belt 20
Lime, Color Splash Sneaker Pumps 25 each Multi Yellow Platform
25 Two Tone Yellow Pumps 20
Gold Detailed
Leather Satchel 25
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[ BY JEWELRY ] (everything is in SC - Starcoins - unless stated in SD - Stardollars)
>
GLASSES/SHADES
Elegant glasses
(3)
Shades (white)
Sunglasses
(purple)
Pilots (sd)
White Zebra
sunglasses
>FLOWERS
Decorative Hair
rose (6)
Hawaii Hair Flower
>DECO
Ladybug brooch
Tear (normal,
black x2)
Diamond and Pearl
Brooch (sd)
>NECKLACES
Venus necklace
Dolphin necklace
Pearl necklace
Coral necklace
Sweet Rainbow
Charm
I scream Charm
Dolphin pendant
Taylor Burton
necklace (sd)
>EARRINGS
Gold earrings
Crown Pendant
Earrings (sd)
Beloved Bunny
Earrings (sd)
>HEADBAND:
Blue thin (it is 4
sc)
Ashley headband
(pink)
Tropical Flower
Diadem Red
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[ BY DECOR ] (Everything is in SD, unless stated in SC)
> SEATING:
Office chair (sc)
Chair (barstool,
silver thing) (sc)
>TEXTILES:
Panton Inspired
(x4)
Kitsch flamingo
garland (x3) (sc)
>OTHER:
Shop Sign (sc)
>THEMED:
SpaceInvader
Skull, Octopus, & Light Green Alien (sc)
SETS:
ALL THE BABY SHIT
GET IT AWAY FROM ME CRINGE (toy, baby doll, pink shirt)
Run down: Like I said (rabiaa) I'm down for lowering. As a collector, like me, I'd rather sell lowered, because I fell more secure with it. I've sold it to someone lately that turned around and sold it for more (which is fine) but I feel better if someone is getting it to have. Y'know?
For the prices: some are high bc I either bought 'em high, or I'm clingy and am semi-holding them back forever. lmao.
DRESSES: Pocket Dress w/ belted Waist [Blue, Black] 40
Colorblock Tube Dress 35 (i lowered bc it's ugly and i want it gone) Strapless Stripe Maxi 45 Colorblock Halter Dress 80 Sleeveless Sheath Dress 30 Print Maxi Dress (I have 3) 100 (cheapest will be 75) Scuba Inspired Tee Dress 100 Ikat Print Dress 75 Stripe Sheath Dress 35 Geo Print Dress 35 Charcoal V-neck Dress 30 Off Shoulder Dress 250
SHIRTS: Classic Shirt 30-40 Boatneck S/S Top 45 Stripe Tube Top 20 Colorblock & Lemon Tassel Tunics 25 Stripe Sheer Tank 20 Marina Grand Print Blouse 25 Zebra Print Sweater 25 Logo Tee 20 Cotton Tank Top 30 Loose Stripe Tank 30 Color Block Tank 20 Side Bow Tube Top 30 Tee with Stripe Belt 30 LS Stripe Shirt 30 Striped Tank 20
JACKETS/VESTS/ETC: Three Button Vest 20 S/S Box Blazer (Brown, Red) 15-20 Slim Charcoal Jumpsuit 150 Two Button Blazer 50 Long Zip Vest 80 Double Breasted Trench 40
BOTTOMS: Summer Shorts 25 Seasonless Miniskirt (Blue & Black) 20 Basic Drop Crotch Pants 25 Leopard Print Skirt 25 Black Skirt with Rhinestones 100-150 Geo Printskirt 75 Short Shorts 30 Cropped Trouser w/Cuffed Hem 50 Marina Grand Print Skirt 30
BELTS: Obi Sash Pink 30 Obi Sash Orange & Black (I got for 31) 25 Obi Sash Orange, Black & Gray (44) 25 Obi Wrap Belt 150 (same price I paid) Gold Buckle Belt 20 Black Leather Belt 15
SHOES: Lime, Colorful, Indigo, Sunbright, Color Splash, Sneaker Pumps 25 each
Hyde T-Strap Platform Orange White 25 Hyde T-Strap Platform White 25
Sling-Back Sandal 15 Two Tone Yellow Pumps 20
Brogue Black Mary Jane 400 (bought for 359)
PURSES: Orange Purse 150 (that's what I paid back in pre-600 sd times) Multi Zip Carry All Bag 30 Croc. Structured Clutch 100 (I paid 146) Gold Detailed Leather Satchel 25 Orange Beige Clutch 150
ACCESSORIES: Multi Chain Logo Necklace 250-300 Headband Khaki 20 Short Cluster Necklace 250
OTHER/ETC: Dual Stripe Swimsuit 150
Lip Print Collection: Scarf 300-400 Blouse 400
Sets (AKA Two Piece Outfits): Heart Bustier Top & Oversized Bow Miniskirt 45 or Top 15, Skirt 30
Whilst on Youtube recently, I commented on a post talking about how strange my childhood was and how my imagination matched so many of today's conspiracies that I was a tad freaked out (who would be, honestly?)
I'm a big fan of conspiracy theories, urban legends, myths, supernatural things, mysteries, and so on and so forth. Therefore, it's not strange for me to find myself watching anything related to those subjects. Kendall, whom I adore so much, posts about those things all the time. It's what she's known for. So does a few others I follow, but one most noteable is Shane Dawson. Love him to death, too. I have fanart for him back when I was barely a teen.
Here we go, getting on subject. Although I must warn: I don't have my book I wrote down a majority of what I did growing up. At one point, like three years ago maybe, I compiled a shit ton of my thoughts and ideas into one little journal. But then I thought it was stupid and threw it in storage. And as the storage shelter is full of red wasps/paper wasps (can't tell which), I can't access it. I'll have to update with that later. BUT HERE WE GO WITH WHAT I KNOW IN MY HEAD.
DATES:I've had a weird relationship with dates. I wrote down dates all the time when I was little. Idfk, okay. April 14th - two imaginary friends - Linda and A #1 - had this birthday. A man so important in my life, but I swore I never knew his bday, had this bday and I found out after he passed this year. So, 20 years of not knowing (unless I did, because that could make sense. Idk). My current best friend for life has this birthday. When I found that out I was scared shitless. I had another friend from my pre-teens with this birthday. An artist I like has a birthday on here. I've had shit happen on this day (deaths, accidents, having a scary lucid dream, etc). So, let's look back in history though.:
First edition of Webster's dictionary published. (Not really important, but I'm obsessed with learning all about English lit, so hey.)
Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. Fuck. But he died the next morning, so, it's just the event that took place.
J.C Penney opened. In 1902, bruh.
Titanic fucking wrecked. And I was obsessed w that as a child.
Columbia returned to Earth.
Anne Mansfield Sullivan's bday. She taught Helen Keller how to read, write, and speak.
My princess Abigail Breslin was born on this day. wHAT.
Siege of Jerusalem.
A celestial phenomenon is reported over Nuremberg, described as an aerial battle.
First abolition of US established.
Black Sunday dust storm occured in my home state. It was one of the worst.
Sputnik 2 falls from orbit.
Human Genome Project completed.
The horrid event of the 276 girls being abducted by Boko Haram in 2014.
Martin fucking Bormann was born on this day. fml.
Black Day in South Korea. I laughed a lot. If you single on V-Day and/or White Day, you celebrate on this day.
South/Southeast Asian New Year (apparently it & the 13th).
October 4th - I always connected with this day and it was strange. My aunt and uncle were married on the 3rd, in '09. History lesson:
First English translation of the Bible was printed. I've read a majority, if not all, of the Bible and I know I've always wanted to learn Hebrew and Greek so I could read the actual Biblical documents before they were translated - and pre-King James.
Hitler (and Mussolini) met in the Alps bc he needed help to fight England. I'm slightly obsessed w German history. I feel extremely drawn to it and have read and watched so many things regarding the topic.
Wikileaks launched. Cries.
Max Planck died. His son was involved in the 20 July plot (assassinating Hitler). Why so many ties to Germany---
With all this stuff, I decided to look at my birthday in history.
July 6th -
Lots of capturing of people over the centuries.
Anne Frank took refuge in Amsterdam.
Lots of stuff between Scotland & England (which I've always been drawn to Scotland and Ireland, so yeah.)
The last remaining Jewish enterprises in Germany are closed.
Jackie Robinson refuses to move to the back of the bus.
Hartford circus fire.
Friday Kahlo is born.
Now, another thing about dates is that April became a significant month in my life out of nowhere. And now, it seems that it holds everything near and dear to me. My closest friends have birthday back-to-back, events take place, my precious kitten was born. I had surgery for the first time that month.
December 23rd became an ominous date for me as I was diagnosed on that day, but years later, I obtained a good friend with that birthday and I'm shook.
Now on to the weirdness of my childhood.
I had imaginary friends, I was a single child. One of the ones I had was Bloody Mary, but she was different from the legends that were traditionally told. I somehow convinced friends (which is probably bs) that I was her and that I knew the real story of how I died. Like a full-length story of her life, death, and why she was back in my shoes. During this period, my friends and I believed spirits lived in the old showers of our gym as school (which were boarded up), and we thought we'd talk to them. I even created a different language that I said was one that could properly communicate with the supernatural. I taught lessons on it. I spoke it. Not fluently, bc I was a little chicken shit.
At like, 11 maybe, or before turning 11, I decided that I needed to kill off the Bloody Mary ego, so I held a sort of funeral where I banished her from returning and I was upset and cried. It honestly looks like I'm schizophrenic with the alternate personas and paranoia. I know I used to pretend to see them and play with them.
You know that Bloody Mary game where you go in the restroom, turn off the lights, light candles, spin around chanting her name, all that--? I did it and was laughing and told my friends something like, "She says hi and she doesn't take those who are innocent. She'll discuss more at home." I went home and into the woods (my refuge, okay) and would talk with my animals about cutting her off completely. Wtf was up with me as a kid. I wasn't okay.
Moving on; I swore there were portals in my yard and back behind the house. I live on 40 acres in the country. At the time I lived in one house, across from my great-grandparents. And the only other place was a small brown (and rather old) house a few hundred feet down from their house. We had a forest behind our house with ponds, and fields surrounding us.
When I'd go through the portals, I'd become "Queen of Catville" as I was not only to protect my cats, but the animals of the world. I spoke of fairies and nymphs and other mythical beings living in the forest. I remember holding ceremonies every year to celebrate these creatures and my cats and I even had "chores" and "responsibilities" as Queen, because only chosen ones inherit the power. I have all this written in the book I compiled.
I also went through the portals to rescue other worlds and determined that the other worlds were just like ours - like an exact replica - and I needed to save myself from things. I pretended to come back as alternate versions of me.
One time, at like 13, I was super sick and weak (because of JDM), but in the bathtub one evening, I was daydreaming about alternate universes and what it'd be like if another one of me came to this world to be me for a day. I pretended to do that for a couple of days.
I also always had this morbid idea that I'd die before I was 18. I almost died this year, 2017, at 20. Without knowing what was going on.
I wrote stories when I was younger, and one I mentioned in the comments on YT, was that I believed UFOs were people from the future coming back and they are time machines. I don't remember exactly what purpose I said it was for, but I mentioned it to my friends my senior year of HS ('15) and they were like: write a book, idiot.
I've had horrible obsessions with the following topics since I was little: Germany and the Holocaust, cats, Egyptian royalty and history, alternate universes, the apocalypse, horror, lucid dreaming, Paris's catacombs, death, pagans, languages, ancient cultures, religions.
Thanks to my weird ass obsessions, I've become pretty knowledgeable on many grounds, so, thank you tiny Zoe.
For lucid dreaming, I taught myself to do this around 5/6 years old. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but one night I had a lucid dream and when I woke up I was extremely confused, but I figured that if I focused on one thing, or daydreamed about a certain subject, I would do it again. It took me a couple of weeks, but I was a self-taught lucid dreamer. Since then, I've had disturbing dreams, and vast amounts of deja vu to the point I cried as a kid when I'd get it because I was oh so very confused. It freaked me out too much.
My most common lucid dreams, to date that I remember, have always been Apocalypse-related. One was where I was trying to save my family and there was a storm that was disintegrating everything and I felt myself being turned to nothing. Scarred for life.
Another one was related to lava and it was my first night-terror related episode. I was so messed up, that it went on for a few weeks where I was scared to sleep and was visibly shaken. I was at my dad's for the week at the time. We watched that stupid Volcano movie.
Now, I also have stories relating to conspiracies in my family, but to be polite, I won't share intimate details. I've had murders (like 80% sure on that one), people threatening and holding someone at knife/gun point (I was right there, too, for one of them), writing death threats, police harassing my dad, the main police guy keeping a secret from us, but damning my family for it; a lot of shit happened. I have been tempted to write about it in a book or something, but have yet to accomplish that feat.
Also, many know I am a KPOP/Korean lover, because my life has a lot of similarities to Asian (and Spanish) culture, which is very strange. But Korean feels so familiar now. I'm not an effing Koreaboo. Only Kristin can say that. But the language feels so familiar and the strange thing is is that in my language from childhood, Korean sounds similar to some of my words. I know the Spanish-sounding words are normal, because I tried learning it from around age 8/9 or so.(Side note: I was determined to learn as many languages as possible, and that goal still exists.)
As for other things... there's a lot more, but I'd truly need my book for it.
EDIT: This year was especially interesting because of this:
I met this guy through my best friend. He seems normal and into all the things I like. But way more to the point I was like, what is this?? Turns out he believes he is the reincarnation of Nicola Tesla, has a mission in this life, and is doing experiments. He says it was our destiny to meet and we have before. He and I discussed historical matters in the waiting room of an ER (first date and my friend gets sick) and he was discussing politics and religion and stuff I genuinely like, but-- yeah. When he started going on about being Tesla, and his own obsession with it, I was like, "I know little me was strange af, but I can't handle this in my life right now." I wound up having to block him because he was so persistent.
I found it very interesting though that he claimed to be him and claimed we'd met before. I've always liked the idea of reincarnation and past lives, even though I was raised Christian. I swore at one point I must've lived in ancient Egypt. But having this weird encounter with someone so interested in the same things as me and experiencing similar things, I was taken aback.
Second EDIT: If you have any questions or want to tell me how weird I was, my Twitter handle is WolfLuvrZoe, or message me back on YT. (^__^)v
One of the main topics of my current chapter is mental health. That's not necessarily touchy for me, but when I get started on in... I don't stop. It's like trying to stop a train, very hard. And I know I shouldn't be so brazen about it and speak so openly at times, but I have a hard time sugar-coating the truth at this point in my life.
I noticed this: "Top Five Reasons Why Students Disclose [their mental health]" 1. To receive accommodations.
2. To receive clinical services and supports on campus.
3. To be a role model and to reduce stigma.
4. To educate students, staff, and facults about mental health.
5. To avoid disciplinary action by the school and to avoid losing financial aid.
Now, for me, here's what I have going on. Anxiety, depression, mood swings, social anxiety, and previously suicidal thoughts. People treat it like such a disease and problem, but then don't like hearing about being helped. I started counseling in February of 2017. I had previously been to a psychologist in Oklahoma City and I didn't particularly like her, because she dealt more with treating me and not fulling listening to me. I'd rather have a psychiatrist than a psychologist. Psychiatrists deal mainly with personal help and one-on-ones, whereas the latter usually deal with treatment plans and evaluations.
My anxiety and social anxiety has been a barrier for me. I've dealt with the social anxiety all my life and didn't know it until I started treatments in OKC. I didn't really get over it until 2017. Nearly twenty years of me dealing with that and it was considered "being shy," when in actuality I feared people, which is worse than being shy. I couldn't get over being fearful of people and social situations. I functioned well enough and my mask was pretty good, but Jesus. It is a struggle.
And you know, I didn't really go through with trying to kill myself. Drugging myself with anxiety meds, sure. That is a problem and it wasn't really addressed because if I'd mention it, my doctors would give me fair warnings but not take away my meds. Plus OU basically drugged me with several anti-depressants and anxiety meds, so our Choctaw Clinic was like, "Whoa, this is too much how are you functioning?!" I don't know. I barely remember times in high school and the two years after high school. I remember the panic attacks and the anxiety and how I tried to sleep the world away last year, in 2016. Didn't really work. Left me lucid dreaming most of the time, which ended in nightmares.
But after the life-changing event I faced this year... I have a slightly broader view on the world. I'm in new living conditions, my life and history has been exposed for the worse, and I've handled my social anxiety so much better and my anxiety in general. I'm proud of myself. I honestly am. I faced Hell more than once.
You know... I still feel the stigma though. And the judgment. Mainly due to the fact I've always faced criticism from my community. People called me a liar, a fake, an attention seeker, a baby, and more. One of the worst feelings I had was finding out a girl who I loved dearly and was best friends with told my other friends that I was doing everything for attention and I shouldn't get special treatment.
I couldn't repeat all I've said in the past, but I'm too tired to write out an essay regarding my life experiences. Plus I have work to do.
Throughout all this stuff, I have been told I am a role model. I never feel like one, as I have major flaws and mess up as much as any human can. But I do want to raise awareness and help people understand that even the smart and nerdy kid from elementary school who all of a sudden is brought down by a rare disease-- she has fought it, and fought her mind caving in, and has fought social stigma. She's here. She's okay. She's still surviving and it's a challenge but the world wouldn't be functional if it was super easy. It's be a mess. And a lie.
Reading this chapter regarding all the stigma and problem we face, globally, is not only eye-opening, but leaves my heart aching. I wish mental issues were so stigmatized. We all face mood swings and anxiety at some point. We get sad, we get hyperactive, we get lonely. But if we are officially diagnosed, it's considered "bad". Which is an ignorant thing to do, people.
Future Zoe, keep breathing and trying to accomplish all you want. It's hard, but you've battled demons and fought your disease and went against evils in this world. You can do this. Whatever gives you that power and strength, let it be and keep moving forward. 힘내세요~ 할 수 있어. 약속해. 알지? 너 위해... 힘내. 미소. 노래. 춤을 해 아무것도 사람인 봐죠. ㅎㅎㅎ 이것은 괜찮다. 이는 괜찬아. 화이팅 소희씨~ 내일은 빛과 행복할래 주세용~! 안녕
Ah, college. After two years of Hellish life and my mom getting me back into the groove of attending (summer courses are just a handful, honestly), I finally started college (instead of just summer courses.)
During my first orientation (not the first day one, because I missed that) I was on-time, but late compared to the others. I felt awkward, as usual, but I laughed inwardly because the only seat left was by a girl I knew a bit from my home town (and two years younger). I tried to stay by her and when we left the main room I happened to start talking to someone else. Come to find out, she is older, but also it's funny how I naturally gravitate towards older people.
And after our orientation with the library, I stayed and chatted with the director (such a lovely woman) for nearly 40 minutes. Scared my mom, since she drove me and I felt rude using my phone to tell her what was up. But we discussed life and found our lives to have very similar situations going on. I most definitely enjoyed her company and hope I can be around her more. Plus, the library is a place I like a lot. I always feel warm and welcome there.
Unfortunately I had to go ahead and do only online courses this semester, but I found it easier on my parents, so I had to only convince my mom to let me to ease their burdens. I feel she's way more excited for my college career than I am. I've constantly been around adults and the medical field due to my life with JDM, so I'm comfy around adults and the adult atmosphere. Plus, I had to learn to manage my time and study properly throughout high school due to homebound courses and years. It was a struggle, and I'm sure I was a pain in the ass to everyone who worked at my school, but I made it through. That was the biggest accomplishment. Although, let me note that the downside to homebound life and the struggles some gave me.... I nearly gave up on my education right then and there because some teachers made my life Hell. I can't name names, but let me tell you... I've mentioned to some people outside that school and they said the behavior some of those teachers had was downright wrong.
Moving on.
The courses I have are as follows: Social Problems (Sociology), Computer Applications, Psychology, and the Orientation stuff.
Sociology has been a learning process. I took Intro into Sociology in the summer and had to read the whole book in a month, compared to now. And I'm having to write application papers (which I find much more entertaining and knowledgeable than doing assignments like in high school. Through the app papers, you apply what you've learned to an outside situation that relates to whatever chapter you're on. It's fun. A bit difficult for me at first but I love the overall idea.
Computer Apps is a pain, let me tell you. Having to have two sites to maintain my schedule isn't difficult, just a pain in my ass, since I forget super easily now and not checking that other site for work is a task for me. The point of the class is to learn about computer and their programming and how to work stuff on there. Easy-peasy, sure. But trying to pair things that aren't even in your book is hard AF. I was so angry that I had words on there I didn't know because I didn't have them in my eBook. I have yet to check my actual book. I may need to slap myself for not attending to my actual book at first, even though they say using your eBook is the same. We'll see.
And Psych starts in September. I'm hyped for this class, as it's my main field of study. I constantly use what psych skills I have and sometimes have to remind myself I can't evaluate every person I meet. It's such a bad habit of mine, and I probably need to stop, but it's like a damn reaction to meeting people. I'm like a robot, assessing you in the first minute or so.
Anyways, the main point was to document my first few weeks. Plus, copy and paste my "Culture Shock" blog post. I read everyone else's and my conclusion: girls write more than boys, we express more, and we follow rules better. No offense, boys. It's what I saw after reading all the blogs.
Culture Shock.
I've spent a good deal of my middle
school and high school career homebound, which meant every time I tried
to return to school, I felt a very evident culture shock. It was
frightening and ultimately helped me adapt once I reached college age.
Now, two years past high school and just starting my college career, I definitely feel very awkward around other students. Stage 1: The Honeymoon. I didn't really experience this, because I
see college as another stepping stone in life and take it seriously. I
feel way too... blah about the beginning, mainly because I
dived head in with the summer courses (that were crammed) and I've
already experienced the college-like environment in high school. That's
due to the crazy hours, the studying habits I had to learn, and being
more mature. That prepared me and so the honeymoon phase hasn't seemed
to appear in my life -- if it ever will. Stage 2: Initial Culture Shock. I'm currently just taking online
courses, with Orientation as my main source of being woven into the
college life. I feel extremely odd around kids my age - always have. I
think I do feel a bit of this phase, as I'm awkward, though I try to be
friendly, and I don't know what people my age like or do. I've been so
absorbed in my writing, international things (and pen pals, that
American culture still shocks me (ironically) and I don't really know
exactly what to do or say. Plus I find a lot of things college kids do
as weird - parties, not caring too much, being super social all the
time. I'm so used to staying focused on my studies and interacting with
teachers more-so, that I know this is a challenge I have to face sooner
or later.
Stage 3: Recovery and Adjustment. I felt very overwhelmed during
the summer, because I didn't know how fast-paced the classes were, so I
was very down on myself if I'd miss questions (and when I made a 70 on
an exam). But now with this semester starting, I feel a lot better and
know I can do things, but if I fail or don't do my best, I can try
harder. It's not the end of the world. Stage 4: Isolation. I think this relates to Stage 2 a lot. Because I am isolated
in a physical sense, but I can always do more to be social amongst my
peers. Though I feel like people would be all, "Why is she trying so
hard?" Because when I do take initiative and try to be social, I may
talk too much, or unconsciously state facts, or bring up weird things
like my experience with Korean culture. So, I feel very out-of-touch
with my generation at points, and my values also. I fit better with
teachers and staff than I do my peers. And that keeps me in an isolated
bubble, at most. I definitely think this is an internal thing and a lot
of kids face this at some point, but it's a tad bit hard to just push it
away and not care how you present yourself to others.
Stage 5: Assimilation and Adaption. I do accept my life
as it is, but I don't feel integrated, so I haven't broached this stage
yet. I may have an idea of what it will be like, but I haven't truly
been there yet. I hope I reach this stage and quit fearing everything
that has to do with college life. I may be mature in the real world, but
I'm still lacking in the college world, because for one, I fear the
people, the adaptations I may have to take, and how things have changed.
But I go into this with open arms because I want to feel more at ease
in college.
I know for a fact I have faced culture shock head on (more than once)
and I'm hoping that I'll improve with ease. Social anxiety has always
been a problem for me and only this year have I really faced it and felt
the world around me without the fear of others. Nearly 20 years of
untreated social anxiety has an effect on you, so it's hard to adapt to a
culture of accepting and friendly people.
Okay, I'm too curious with Idol School, so I'm noting here who is who. Because there are A LOT of girls that many K-fans know, but don't realize. u__u 화이팅 언니들 랑 동생들이~!
I found most info on Insta and many girls who aren't known (like ex-trainees) had friends posting like "uri ---- congrats!" which means "our ----- congrats" and stuff like that. I haven't checked Daum or Naver for the ones I couldn't find info on, nor have I been on Twitter (I find that harder to navigate).
I already have girls I'm rooting for, obvi. But I hope all do well~!
Also, I have their personal accounts, but most are privated now, or aren't active. And I know a lot of their friends' accounts, but not giving that out. I should use my research skills for evil... jk. Note: girls had to leave their companies/groups to be a part of this. Anyone was allowed to join, from what I heard, so that's why non-company girls are here. There are a lot of Art School kids and dance academy kids, and a couple who have trained under vocal trainers that have worked with top stars... heol. 완전 대박~ 2nd Note:one of the young ones is as old as my oldest lil bro ㅠㅠ wtf
plus the youngins dance videos are typical sexual for girls and that's just--- no precious children no u_u 3rd note: why so many Jo's. Like what--- I'm glad to see more uncommon names though; Bin, Yang, Som. And only 3 foreignbloods; technically Michelle is half-Korean, but I still put her as foreign bc even Koreans are like "foreigner". But Tashaaaa & Jessicaaaa & Haein-ie~ And Natty got a lot of screen time-- just sayin'. 5 girls my age so far, though. Woot~!
BY YEAR: 이해인 Lee Haein – '94, was on PD101, was in I.B.I 이새롬 Lee Saerom – '96, participated in Dancing9 [gorg af] 배은영 Bae Eunyoung – '96, model 양연지 Yang Yeonji – '96, former BLOOMY member 솜혜인 Som Hyein – '96, model (Girls Rule) / ulzzang 송하영 Song Hayoung – 97, Hanlim student, guitar 유지나 Yoo Jina – '97 김명지 Kim Myungji – '97, former Tiny-G member 이유정 Lee Yoojung / UJung – '97, former myB member Ujung 홍시우 Hong Siwoo - '97 박지원 Park Jiwon – '98, former JYP trainee / was on Sixteen 빈하늘 Bin Haneul / Sky – '98, Hanlim student 신시아 Shin Sia (pronounced Shi-ah) – '98, former Momoland contestant, SOPA kid 이영유 Lee Youngyoo – '98, model, actress, was on Hip Hop the Nation 2 박선 Park Sun – '04, model, Kids Planet project, 추원희 Chu Wonhee – '99, dancer (was in GARTs girls Hip Hop concept) 이서연 Lee Seoyeon – '99, former YG trainee (was in the famous “2NE1” x years later video), guitar 조유빈 Jo Yoobin – '99, former Jellyfish entertainment trainee 이나경 Lee Nakyung – '00 (assumed) 윤지우 Yoon Jiwoo – '00, SOPA student 김은서 Kim Eunseo / Eunsuh – '00, former JYP trainee / was on Sixteen 조유리 Jo Yuri – '01 서헤린 Seo Herin – '02, former SM Rookies girl, speaks English (British accent) 백지헌 Baek Jiheon / Jihun – '03/'04, model, hapkido, acts, guitar & piano, was on kids' show Boni & Hani 김은결 Kim Eunkyul / Eungyeol – '05, model (w Park Sun), Kids Planet project
이채영 Lee Chaeyoung 장규리 Jang Gyuri 김주현 Jenny 노지선 / Roh Jisun 박소명 Park Somyung 이시안 Lee Sian (pronounced Shi-an) – older than '94, possibly (from friend account calling her unnie) 김나연 Kim Nayeon – ex Berry Good member 이슬 / Jessica Lee / Jessica Dew – former Highteen member, studied in PH, speaks English, Youtuber [she privated all her YT videos.] 조세림 Jo Serim 조영주 Jo Youngjoo / Youngju
FOREIGN / MIXED: 타샤 Tasha – '93, Singaporean, former Skarf member 화이트미셸 Michelle White – '04, mixed [her bro posted about losing their dad; he's white, so her mom must be Korean] 스노우베이비 Snowbaby / Cai RuiXue – '96 Youtuber, Taiwanese 나띠 Natty – '02, Thai, former JYP trainee / was on Sixteen 정소미 Jung Somi – '99, half-Russian [everyone is already comparing her to Jeon Somi and confusing them.]
For the past six months - starting between the end of July 2016 and August 2016, and temporarily ending with the new year - my life has been up and down with emotions, stress, and life in general. I was cut off of SoonerCare a year after I turned 18, I was taken off of my infusions (which I have never been off of for eight years), and I was put back on a common, but aggressive steroid called Prednisone... I don't have a good past with said medication. Aside from making me gain so much weight, I lost all confidence in myself, it usually messes up my GI (gastrointestinal system) tract and can give me ulcers. This time it was much, much worse and I haven't suffered so much from it than at this point in time.
Going off track for a moment; anyone who lives near me, or knows me, knows my feelings about our local clinic, which I call Choctaw Clinic (although it has an official name, but eh). They never diagnosed me with the proper diagnosis for years, always got things wrong, and caused problems for me since I was little. But I go there because I have Native American blood and they cover me and are supposed to take care of me, along with others. It wasn't until December of 2008 that a foreign doctor worked there and diagnosed me properly and sent me on my way to Oklahoma City, to a specialist, and my journey truly begins.
But now, however, I am back to the Choctaw Clinic and yet again... they have screwed me over. I'm sure I'm going to talk to Patient Relations about my new doctors, but we'll see. So far, my experience hasn't been great. Or even seemingly okay.
On Thursday, the 12th of January, I went back to OU for an adult version of my rheumatologist and had to redo all my history and see just what needed to be done. What exactly had changed in the past six months though? A lot. I was off of a less-aggressive and an IV form of steroid called Solumedrol. I was on IVIG, which was another common treatment for JDM patients (and it was starting to make me sick for the first time in years, so I'm not missing it, honestly.) I was on a different IV called Actemra; the OKC doctors recommended I start the shot version of Actemra, that adults usually take, compared to the one I was used to in IV form. Then, over time, I was on mixtures of drugs, to which my Choctaw doctors said weren't supposed to mix, weren't good for this situation, etc. I trust my OKC doctors much more, as they give me full information on everything they do, what the pills do, and so on. They even discussed the new biomarker that confirms a kid has JDM. My Choctaw doctors didn't even know about it.
Over at the Choctaw Clinic, I received a rather... shitty experience with a well-educated rheumy who was arrogant, rude, and overall negative towards me. Let's note that he had two files on me: my last two infusion info sheets from OKC in June and July. That's all he knew. He knew my name, sure. He knew I had JDM, okay. But nothing else. We discussed past medicines and why we stopped them. We discussed a lot. But, much like one doc at OKC, he wanted to know why I wasn't on methotrexate. Methotrexate is a common treatment amongst JDM patients as well. But over three-four years of me taking it, it started having no effect, was making me very sick, and was damaging my liver. But he wants me back on it and says my past results mean nothing. Just because it made me sick for years, doesn't mean it still will. We technically won't know until we try, but if the-- I don't know. I don't want to rant so much and cause more stress. But that was barely the surface of my treatment. I wasn't granted to get my port flushed again (I have had it done once in six months and recommended I do it every month; it's due), I was treated like I was dumb, knew nothing, and even though I know my own body and how it reacts (even with backup from previous records), I technically "know nothing" it seems. And even though we sent the records to the Choctaw Clinic, this specific doc said nothing was there.
Now, moving on to the thing I despise: I was refused to be taken off of Prednisone even though it is damaging my stomach, GI tract, gallbladder, etc. My pills won't work now. I was told I didn't need my IV infusions anymore, but he "wasn't sure, but knew enough [he] could tell" and that just irritated me.
Side note: every time we started weaning me off of IVs or certain meds, that's when my body reacts. Over the past three years, I have done fairly well and it's all thanks to Dr. Sestak. But now, without her, in a different place, and with all these different people trying to treat me, my mind is in so many places. I've always had negative effects to being off of Solumedrol or IVIG or even Actemra now. But with the replacement of Prednisone, we aren't sure what would happen. But with the terrible side effects of my Prednisone... what are we to do? That's up to them and their solution is to not check on my GI and to continue Prednisone since I'm well enough now.
The only changes I really got was a new blood pressure pill, I was allowed Flexeril for now, and since I'll be attending a behavioral health appointment today, I'll see if I'm allowed my other anxiety meds or what. My stress levels have been over the moon and I'm a ball of emotions, but, you know, that's fine for now.
I don't know how to organize all the facts, or what to say, but I'm truly disappointed and hope I can call and change things for the better. Never have I experienced anything good at the Choctaw Clinic unless it is the new ER center, the women's health center- nothing else goes good and it pisses me off to no end.
But, thanks to the Choctaw's... I'm pretty sure my new docs see me as the girl who refuses to take her meds (since I'm so against prednisone) and drugs herself (since I require so many meds for anxiety). They really make me feel great.
Compared to OKC, I feel dumb, insecure, and barely get to speak up at the Choctaw's with my new rheumy. And if you know me... you know I speak my mind and am loud. But when a doc comes in and treats you in such a way... what can I do when my anxiety goes up and my mind shuts off? Thankfully I've had amazing family go with me in case that happens and they always speak up if I space out. Due to my OKC rheumy vs. my Choctaw rheumy... I'm not totally sure of my treatment, but my Choctaw doc seems to think their consultation with OKC is just me going there to confirm I have JDM and he will not take their advice or anything. Brilliant, right?
So far though, I have Gabapentin at 600mg twice a day and an extra 300 mg pill at night; Lexapro, Lisinopril(?), Flexeril (muscle relaxer), protonix, sulcrafate (1 gram 4 times a day), levora (birth control that had to be adjusted thanks to my stress levels), plaquenil, prednisone (decreased thanks to my nagging). >> I was additionally on Effexor, klonopin, and another one, but I currently can't think. >> I was on three IVs.
Also, may I note that I finally got a flu shot (after years of being told I can't, which I agree with) and it made me so sick I couldn't function and wanted to go to the ER so badly. Yes, it wasn't the flu shot specifically, but since my immune system is so wonky and messed up... it activated it (which isn't always good) to make antibodies to protect me for a possible flu case in the future (that's what the shot does) and it made me sick. Even allergies have made me intensely sick. I was swollen, had a giant knot on my arm (the size of my shoulder), had chills, fever, was nauseated, and so on. But, y'know, forced to get it basically. Also go the pneumonia shot, but it wasn't a problem. Summed up update:
New doctors are rude, I got sick thanks to one of them, I was refused IV treatment I've been on for 8 years, I wasn't allowed to get off of a med that is making me sick, my GI problems are getting worse and they want to wait (yet again) to see what is wrong, even though I keep going to the ER; I still have no insurance but the Choctaws are paying for everything. I've been to two-three docs in the past two weeks and it hasn't been as well since both fought over my treatment. Is that all? I think so.
Thank you~ 안녕~
I want stuff gone, and so many people have come to me lately asking about items I would sell. This is the official list (for now) of everything that is available to me to sell in my StarBazaar.
[ BY FASHION ] (everything is in Stardollars - SD - unless states it is in sc - Starcoins)
SHIRTS:
BF Blue Tee (sc)
White 1920s Top
Fallen Angel Top
(sc)
Thilly Pullover
DRESSES:
Flounce Dress (sc)
One-Shoulder Dress
R&B diva dress
Butterfly T-shirt
Dress
Butterfly Hem Tess
Dress (sc)
Maggie dress
Ribboned Babydoll
Dress
New Years Eve
Party Dress (sc)
Valentines Day
Dress
Halter Dress
Leopard Detailed
Tube Dress
One Shoulder Dress
Cut Out Tube Dress
Dress Inspired by
Balmain
Rio party dress
Ashley Prom Dress
JACKET/VEST/SWEATER:
Double Breasted
Jacket (sc)
Rock N Roll Vest
Long White
Tailored Vest
SHOES:
Bow Front Sandals
(sc)
Soft Fluff Heels
ACCESSORIES:
Stardoll bangles
(sc)
Lilac Leg Warmer
(sc)
Sharp bracelet
(sc)
Stardoll Belt (sc)
PURSES:
Red & Gold
Purse (sc)
Hilary Handbag
PANTS/JEANS/ETC:
Capri Pants (sc)
SKIRTS:
Idoru cherry skirt
Ashley Demin Skirt
(sc)
Sabrina Skirt (sc)
Striped Top w/Belt
(sc)
HATS:
Folk hat (sc)
SETS:
Velour Set (Pants
& Jumper) (sc)
Acne Inspired
Minidress & Capri Leggings
OTHER:
Tie Side Bikini
Pants
Color Arm Sleeve
Tattoo (sc)
Agnetha Sarong
(sc)
Claire wings
THEMED:
Santa Hat (sc)
Indian Shoes (why
they not called moccasins?) (sc)
Hot Buys:
Hot Buys Top (is
it HK?)
Bikini Necklace
Dress (one that
was 48; pink, one shoulder)
Earrings (x2) [in
jewelry]
Pink Bow [jewelry]
Designed Stuff:
Blazer (I designed
when I had no design sense) (sc)
Dress (again no
design sense) (sc)
Leggings (sc)
AVAILABLE DKNY:
Pocket Dress w/ belted Waist [Blue, Black] 40 each Stripe Sheath Dress
35 DKNY Gift Maxi Dress 100
Summer Shorts 25 Black Skirt with Rhinestones 100-150 Geo
Printskirt 75
Obi Sash Pink 30 Gold Buckle Belt 20
Lime, Color Splash Sneaker Pumps 25 each Multi Yellow Platform
25 Two Tone Yellow Pumps 20
Gold Detailed
Leather Satchel 25
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[ BY JEWELRY ] (everything is in SC - Starcoins - unless stated in SD - Stardollars)
>
GLASSES/SHADES
Elegant glasses
(3)
Shades (white)
Sunglasses
(purple)
Pilots (sd)
White Zebra
sunglasses
>FLOWERS
Decorative Hair
rose (6)
Hawaii Hair Flower
>DECO
Ladybug brooch
Tear (normal,
black x2)
Diamond and Pearl
Brooch (sd)
>NECKLACES
Venus necklace
Dolphin necklace
Pearl necklace
Coral necklace
Sweet Rainbow
Charm
I scream Charm
Dolphin pendant
Taylor Burton
necklace (sd)
>EARRINGS
Gold earrings
Crown Pendant
Earrings (sd)
Beloved Bunny
Earrings (sd)
>HEADBAND:
Blue thin (it is 4
sc)
Ashley headband
(pink)
Tropical Flower
Diadem Red
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[ BY DECOR ] (Everything is in SD, unless stated in SC)
> SEATING:
Office chair (sc)
Chair (barstool,
silver thing) (sc)
>TEXTILES:
Panton Inspired
(x4)
Kitsch flamingo
garland (x3) (sc)
>OTHER:
Shop Sign (sc)
>THEMED:
SpaceInvader
Skull, Octopus, & Light Green Alien (sc)
SETS:
ALL THE BABY SHIT
GET IT AWAY FROM ME CRINGE (toy, baby doll, pink shirt)
Run down: Like I said (rabiaa) I'm down for lowering. As a collector, like me, I'd rather sell lowered, because I fell more secure with it. I've sold it to someone lately that turned around and sold it for more (which is fine) but I feel better if someone is getting it to have. Y'know?
For the prices: some are high bc I either bought 'em high, or I'm clingy and am semi-holding them back forever. lmao.
DRESSES: Pocket Dress w/ belted Waist [Blue, Black] 40
Colorblock Tube Dress 35 (i lowered bc it's ugly and i want it gone) Strapless Stripe Maxi 45 Colorblock Halter Dress 80 Sleeveless Sheath Dress 30 Print Maxi Dress (I have 3) 100 (cheapest will be 75) Scuba Inspired Tee Dress 100 Ikat Print Dress 75 Stripe Sheath Dress 35 Geo Print Dress 35 Charcoal V-neck Dress 30 Off Shoulder Dress 250
SHIRTS: Classic Shirt 30-40 Boatneck S/S Top 45 Stripe Tube Top 20 Colorblock & Lemon Tassel Tunics 25 Stripe Sheer Tank 20 Marina Grand Print Blouse 25 Zebra Print Sweater 25 Logo Tee 20 Cotton Tank Top 30 Loose Stripe Tank 30 Color Block Tank 20 Side Bow Tube Top 30 Tee with Stripe Belt 30 LS Stripe Shirt 30 Striped Tank 20
JACKETS/VESTS/ETC: Three Button Vest 20 S/S Box Blazer (Brown, Red) 15-20 Slim Charcoal Jumpsuit 150 Two Button Blazer 50 Long Zip Vest 80 Double Breasted Trench 40
BOTTOMS: Summer Shorts 25 Seasonless Miniskirt (Blue & Black) 20 Basic Drop Crotch Pants 25 Leopard Print Skirt 25 Black Skirt with Rhinestones 100-150 Geo Printskirt 75 Short Shorts 30 Cropped Trouser w/Cuffed Hem 50 Marina Grand Print Skirt 30
BELTS: Obi Sash Pink 30 Obi Sash Orange & Black (I got for 31) 25 Obi Sash Orange, Black & Gray (44) 25 Obi Wrap Belt 150 (same price I paid) Gold Buckle Belt 20 Black Leather Belt 15
SHOES: Lime, Colorful, Indigo, Sunbright, Color Splash, Sneaker Pumps 25 each
Hyde T-Strap Platform Orange White 25 Hyde T-Strap Platform White 25
Sling-Back Sandal 15 Two Tone Yellow Pumps 20
Brogue Black Mary Jane 400 (bought for 359)
PURSES: Orange Purse 150 (that's what I paid back in pre-600 sd times) Multi Zip Carry All Bag 30 Croc. Structured Clutch 100 (I paid 146) Gold Detailed Leather Satchel 25 Orange Beige Clutch 150
ACCESSORIES: Multi Chain Logo Necklace 250-300 Headband Khaki 20 Short Cluster Necklace 250
OTHER/ETC: Dual Stripe Swimsuit 150
Lip Print Collection: Scarf 300-400 Blouse 400
Sets (AKA Two Piece Outfits): Heart Bustier Top & Oversized Bow Miniskirt 45 or Top 15, Skirt 30
Whilst on Youtube recently, I commented on a post talking about how strange my childhood was and how my imagination matched so many of today's conspiracies that I was a tad freaked out (who would be, honestly?)
I'm a big fan of conspiracy theories, urban legends, myths, supernatural things, mysteries, and so on and so forth. Therefore, it's not strange for me to find myself watching anything related to those subjects. Kendall, whom I adore so much, posts about those things all the time. It's what she's known for. So does a few others I follow, but one most noteable is Shane Dawson. Love him to death, too. I have fanart for him back when I was barely a teen.
Here we go, getting on subject. Although I must warn: I don't have my book I wrote down a majority of what I did growing up. At one point, like three years ago maybe, I compiled a shit ton of my thoughts and ideas into one little journal. But then I thought it was stupid and threw it in storage. And as the storage shelter is full of red wasps/paper wasps (can't tell which), I can't access it. I'll have to update with that later. BUT HERE WE GO WITH WHAT I KNOW IN MY HEAD.
DATES:I've had a weird relationship with dates. I wrote down dates all the time when I was little. Idfk, okay. April 14th - two imaginary friends - Linda and A #1 - had this birthday. A man so important in my life, but I swore I never knew his bday, had this bday and I found out after he passed this year. So, 20 years of not knowing (unless I did, because that could make sense. Idk). My current best friend for life has this birthday. When I found that out I was scared shitless. I had another friend from my pre-teens with this birthday. An artist I like has a birthday on here. I've had shit happen on this day (deaths, accidents, having a scary lucid dream, etc). So, let's look back in history though.:
First edition of Webster's dictionary published. (Not really important, but I'm obsessed with learning all about English lit, so hey.)
Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. Fuck. But he died the next morning, so, it's just the event that took place.
J.C Penney opened. In 1902, bruh.
Titanic fucking wrecked. And I was obsessed w that as a child.
Columbia returned to Earth.
Anne Mansfield Sullivan's bday. She taught Helen Keller how to read, write, and speak.
My princess Abigail Breslin was born on this day. wHAT.
Siege of Jerusalem.
A celestial phenomenon is reported over Nuremberg, described as an aerial battle.
First abolition of US established.
Black Sunday dust storm occured in my home state. It was one of the worst.
Sputnik 2 falls from orbit.
Human Genome Project completed.
The horrid event of the 276 girls being abducted by Boko Haram in 2014.
Martin fucking Bormann was born on this day. fml.
Black Day in South Korea. I laughed a lot. If you single on V-Day and/or White Day, you celebrate on this day.
South/Southeast Asian New Year (apparently it & the 13th).
October 4th - I always connected with this day and it was strange. My aunt and uncle were married on the 3rd, in '09. History lesson:
First English translation of the Bible was printed. I've read a majority, if not all, of the Bible and I know I've always wanted to learn Hebrew and Greek so I could read the actual Biblical documents before they were translated - and pre-King James.
Hitler (and Mussolini) met in the Alps bc he needed help to fight England. I'm slightly obsessed w German history. I feel extremely drawn to it and have read and watched so many things regarding the topic.
Wikileaks launched. Cries.
Max Planck died. His son was involved in the 20 July plot (assassinating Hitler). Why so many ties to Germany---
With all this stuff, I decided to look at my birthday in history.
July 6th -
Lots of capturing of people over the centuries.
Anne Frank took refuge in Amsterdam.
Lots of stuff between Scotland & England (which I've always been drawn to Scotland and Ireland, so yeah.)
The last remaining Jewish enterprises in Germany are closed.
Jackie Robinson refuses to move to the back of the bus.
Hartford circus fire.
Friday Kahlo is born.
Now, another thing about dates is that April became a significant month in my life out of nowhere. And now, it seems that it holds everything near and dear to me. My closest friends have birthday back-to-back, events take place, my precious kitten was born. I had surgery for the first time that month.
December 23rd became an ominous date for me as I was diagnosed on that day, but years later, I obtained a good friend with that birthday and I'm shook.
Now on to the weirdness of my childhood.
I had imaginary friends, I was a single child. One of the ones I had was Bloody Mary, but she was different from the legends that were traditionally told. I somehow convinced friends (which is probably bs) that I was her and that I knew the real story of how I died. Like a full-length story of her life, death, and why she was back in my shoes. During this period, my friends and I believed spirits lived in the old showers of our gym as school (which were boarded up), and we thought we'd talk to them. I even created a different language that I said was one that could properly communicate with the supernatural. I taught lessons on it. I spoke it. Not fluently, bc I was a little chicken shit.
At like, 11 maybe, or before turning 11, I decided that I needed to kill off the Bloody Mary ego, so I held a sort of funeral where I banished her from returning and I was upset and cried. It honestly looks like I'm schizophrenic with the alternate personas and paranoia. I know I used to pretend to see them and play with them.
You know that Bloody Mary game where you go in the restroom, turn off the lights, light candles, spin around chanting her name, all that--? I did it and was laughing and told my friends something like, "She says hi and she doesn't take those who are innocent. She'll discuss more at home." I went home and into the woods (my refuge, okay) and would talk with my animals about cutting her off completely. Wtf was up with me as a kid. I wasn't okay.
Moving on; I swore there were portals in my yard and back behind the house. I live on 40 acres in the country. At the time I lived in one house, across from my great-grandparents. And the only other place was a small brown (and rather old) house a few hundred feet down from their house. We had a forest behind our house with ponds, and fields surrounding us.
When I'd go through the portals, I'd become "Queen of Catville" as I was not only to protect my cats, but the animals of the world. I spoke of fairies and nymphs and other mythical beings living in the forest. I remember holding ceremonies every year to celebrate these creatures and my cats and I even had "chores" and "responsibilities" as Queen, because only chosen ones inherit the power. I have all this written in the book I compiled.
I also went through the portals to rescue other worlds and determined that the other worlds were just like ours - like an exact replica - and I needed to save myself from things. I pretended to come back as alternate versions of me.
One time, at like 13, I was super sick and weak (because of JDM), but in the bathtub one evening, I was daydreaming about alternate universes and what it'd be like if another one of me came to this world to be me for a day. I pretended to do that for a couple of days.
I also always had this morbid idea that I'd die before I was 18. I almost died this year, 2017, at 20. Without knowing what was going on.
I wrote stories when I was younger, and one I mentioned in the comments on YT, was that I believed UFOs were people from the future coming back and they are time machines. I don't remember exactly what purpose I said it was for, but I mentioned it to my friends my senior year of HS ('15) and they were like: write a book, idiot.
I've had horrible obsessions with the following topics since I was little: Germany and the Holocaust, cats, Egyptian royalty and history, alternate universes, the apocalypse, horror, lucid dreaming, Paris's catacombs, death, pagans, languages, ancient cultures, religions.
Thanks to my weird ass obsessions, I've become pretty knowledgeable on many grounds, so, thank you tiny Zoe.
For lucid dreaming, I taught myself to do this around 5/6 years old. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but one night I had a lucid dream and when I woke up I was extremely confused, but I figured that if I focused on one thing, or daydreamed about a certain subject, I would do it again. It took me a couple of weeks, but I was a self-taught lucid dreamer. Since then, I've had disturbing dreams, and vast amounts of deja vu to the point I cried as a kid when I'd get it because I was oh so very confused. It freaked me out too much.
My most common lucid dreams, to date that I remember, have always been Apocalypse-related. One was where I was trying to save my family and there was a storm that was disintegrating everything and I felt myself being turned to nothing. Scarred for life.
Another one was related to lava and it was my first night-terror related episode. I was so messed up, that it went on for a few weeks where I was scared to sleep and was visibly shaken. I was at my dad's for the week at the time. We watched that stupid Volcano movie.
Now, I also have stories relating to conspiracies in my family, but to be polite, I won't share intimate details. I've had murders (like 80% sure on that one), people threatening and holding someone at knife/gun point (I was right there, too, for one of them), writing death threats, police harassing my dad, the main police guy keeping a secret from us, but damning my family for it; a lot of shit happened. I have been tempted to write about it in a book or something, but have yet to accomplish that feat.
Also, many know I am a KPOP/Korean lover, because my life has a lot of similarities to Asian (and Spanish) culture, which is very strange. But Korean feels so familiar now. I'm not an effing Koreaboo. Only Kristin can say that. But the language feels so familiar and the strange thing is is that in my language from childhood, Korean sounds similar to some of my words. I know the Spanish-sounding words are normal, because I tried learning it from around age 8/9 or so.(Side note: I was determined to learn as many languages as possible, and that goal still exists.)
As for other things... there's a lot more, but I'd truly need my book for it.
EDIT: This year was especially interesting because of this:
I met this guy through my best friend. He seems normal and into all the things I like. But way more to the point I was like, what is this?? Turns out he believes he is the reincarnation of Nicola Tesla, has a mission in this life, and is doing experiments. He says it was our destiny to meet and we have before. He and I discussed historical matters in the waiting room of an ER (first date and my friend gets sick) and he was discussing politics and religion and stuff I genuinely like, but-- yeah. When he started going on about being Tesla, and his own obsession with it, I was like, "I know little me was strange af, but I can't handle this in my life right now." I wound up having to block him because he was so persistent.
I found it very interesting though that he claimed to be him and claimed we'd met before. I've always liked the idea of reincarnation and past lives, even though I was raised Christian. I swore at one point I must've lived in ancient Egypt. But having this weird encounter with someone so interested in the same things as me and experiencing similar things, I was taken aback.
Second EDIT: If you have any questions or want to tell me how weird I was, my Twitter handle is WolfLuvrZoe, or message me back on YT. (^__^)v
One of the main topics of my current chapter is mental health. That's not necessarily touchy for me, but when I get started on in... I don't stop. It's like trying to stop a train, very hard. And I know I shouldn't be so brazen about it and speak so openly at times, but I have a hard time sugar-coating the truth at this point in my life.
I noticed this: "Top Five Reasons Why Students Disclose [their mental health]" 1. To receive accommodations.
2. To receive clinical services and supports on campus.
3. To be a role model and to reduce stigma.
4. To educate students, staff, and facults about mental health.
5. To avoid disciplinary action by the school and to avoid losing financial aid.
Now, for me, here's what I have going on. Anxiety, depression, mood swings, social anxiety, and previously suicidal thoughts. People treat it like such a disease and problem, but then don't like hearing about being helped. I started counseling in February of 2017. I had previously been to a psychologist in Oklahoma City and I didn't particularly like her, because she dealt more with treating me and not fulling listening to me. I'd rather have a psychiatrist than a psychologist. Psychiatrists deal mainly with personal help and one-on-ones, whereas the latter usually deal with treatment plans and evaluations.
My anxiety and social anxiety has been a barrier for me. I've dealt with the social anxiety all my life and didn't know it until I started treatments in OKC. I didn't really get over it until 2017. Nearly twenty years of me dealing with that and it was considered "being shy," when in actuality I feared people, which is worse than being shy. I couldn't get over being fearful of people and social situations. I functioned well enough and my mask was pretty good, but Jesus. It is a struggle.
And you know, I didn't really go through with trying to kill myself. Drugging myself with anxiety meds, sure. That is a problem and it wasn't really addressed because if I'd mention it, my doctors would give me fair warnings but not take away my meds. Plus OU basically drugged me with several anti-depressants and anxiety meds, so our Choctaw Clinic was like, "Whoa, this is too much how are you functioning?!" I don't know. I barely remember times in high school and the two years after high school. I remember the panic attacks and the anxiety and how I tried to sleep the world away last year, in 2016. Didn't really work. Left me lucid dreaming most of the time, which ended in nightmares.
But after the life-changing event I faced this year... I have a slightly broader view on the world. I'm in new living conditions, my life and history has been exposed for the worse, and I've handled my social anxiety so much better and my anxiety in general. I'm proud of myself. I honestly am. I faced Hell more than once.
You know... I still feel the stigma though. And the judgment. Mainly due to the fact I've always faced criticism from my community. People called me a liar, a fake, an attention seeker, a baby, and more. One of the worst feelings I had was finding out a girl who I loved dearly and was best friends with told my other friends that I was doing everything for attention and I shouldn't get special treatment.
I couldn't repeat all I've said in the past, but I'm too tired to write out an essay regarding my life experiences. Plus I have work to do.
Throughout all this stuff, I have been told I am a role model. I never feel like one, as I have major flaws and mess up as much as any human can. But I do want to raise awareness and help people understand that even the smart and nerdy kid from elementary school who all of a sudden is brought down by a rare disease-- she has fought it, and fought her mind caving in, and has fought social stigma. She's here. She's okay. She's still surviving and it's a challenge but the world wouldn't be functional if it was super easy. It's be a mess. And a lie.
Reading this chapter regarding all the stigma and problem we face, globally, is not only eye-opening, but leaves my heart aching. I wish mental issues were so stigmatized. We all face mood swings and anxiety at some point. We get sad, we get hyperactive, we get lonely. But if we are officially diagnosed, it's considered "bad". Which is an ignorant thing to do, people.
Future Zoe, keep breathing and trying to accomplish all you want. It's hard, but you've battled demons and fought your disease and went against evils in this world. You can do this. Whatever gives you that power and strength, let it be and keep moving forward. 힘내세요~ 할 수 있어. 약속해. 알지? 너 위해... 힘내. 미소. 노래. 춤을 해 아무것도 사람인 봐죠. ㅎㅎㅎ 이것은 괜찮다. 이는 괜찬아. 화이팅 소희씨~ 내일은 빛과 행복할래 주세용~! 안녕
Ah, college. After two years of Hellish life and my mom getting me back into the groove of attending (summer courses are just a handful, honestly), I finally started college (instead of just summer courses.)
During my first orientation (not the first day one, because I missed that) I was on-time, but late compared to the others. I felt awkward, as usual, but I laughed inwardly because the only seat left was by a girl I knew a bit from my home town (and two years younger). I tried to stay by her and when we left the main room I happened to start talking to someone else. Come to find out, she is older, but also it's funny how I naturally gravitate towards older people.
And after our orientation with the library, I stayed and chatted with the director (such a lovely woman) for nearly 40 minutes. Scared my mom, since she drove me and I felt rude using my phone to tell her what was up. But we discussed life and found our lives to have very similar situations going on. I most definitely enjoyed her company and hope I can be around her more. Plus, the library is a place I like a lot. I always feel warm and welcome there.
Unfortunately I had to go ahead and do only online courses this semester, but I found it easier on my parents, so I had to only convince my mom to let me to ease their burdens. I feel she's way more excited for my college career than I am. I've constantly been around adults and the medical field due to my life with JDM, so I'm comfy around adults and the adult atmosphere. Plus, I had to learn to manage my time and study properly throughout high school due to homebound courses and years. It was a struggle, and I'm sure I was a pain in the ass to everyone who worked at my school, but I made it through. That was the biggest accomplishment. Although, let me note that the downside to homebound life and the struggles some gave me.... I nearly gave up on my education right then and there because some teachers made my life Hell. I can't name names, but let me tell you... I've mentioned to some people outside that school and they said the behavior some of those teachers had was downright wrong.
Moving on.
The courses I have are as follows: Social Problems (Sociology), Computer Applications, Psychology, and the Orientation stuff.
Sociology has been a learning process. I took Intro into Sociology in the summer and had to read the whole book in a month, compared to now. And I'm having to write application papers (which I find much more entertaining and knowledgeable than doing assignments like in high school. Through the app papers, you apply what you've learned to an outside situation that relates to whatever chapter you're on. It's fun. A bit difficult for me at first but I love the overall idea.
Computer Apps is a pain, let me tell you. Having to have two sites to maintain my schedule isn't difficult, just a pain in my ass, since I forget super easily now and not checking that other site for work is a task for me. The point of the class is to learn about computer and their programming and how to work stuff on there. Easy-peasy, sure. But trying to pair things that aren't even in your book is hard AF. I was so angry that I had words on there I didn't know because I didn't have them in my eBook. I have yet to check my actual book. I may need to slap myself for not attending to my actual book at first, even though they say using your eBook is the same. We'll see.
And Psych starts in September. I'm hyped for this class, as it's my main field of study. I constantly use what psych skills I have and sometimes have to remind myself I can't evaluate every person I meet. It's such a bad habit of mine, and I probably need to stop, but it's like a damn reaction to meeting people. I'm like a robot, assessing you in the first minute or so.
Anyways, the main point was to document my first few weeks. Plus, copy and paste my "Culture Shock" blog post. I read everyone else's and my conclusion: girls write more than boys, we express more, and we follow rules better. No offense, boys. It's what I saw after reading all the blogs.
Culture Shock.
I've spent a good deal of my middle
school and high school career homebound, which meant every time I tried
to return to school, I felt a very evident culture shock. It was
frightening and ultimately helped me adapt once I reached college age.
Now, two years past high school and just starting my college career, I definitely feel very awkward around other students. Stage 1: The Honeymoon. I didn't really experience this, because I
see college as another stepping stone in life and take it seriously. I
feel way too... blah about the beginning, mainly because I
dived head in with the summer courses (that were crammed) and I've
already experienced the college-like environment in high school. That's
due to the crazy hours, the studying habits I had to learn, and being
more mature. That prepared me and so the honeymoon phase hasn't seemed
to appear in my life -- if it ever will. Stage 2: Initial Culture Shock. I'm currently just taking online
courses, with Orientation as my main source of being woven into the
college life. I feel extremely odd around kids my age - always have. I
think I do feel a bit of this phase, as I'm awkward, though I try to be
friendly, and I don't know what people my age like or do. I've been so
absorbed in my writing, international things (and pen pals, that
American culture still shocks me (ironically) and I don't really know
exactly what to do or say. Plus I find a lot of things college kids do
as weird - parties, not caring too much, being super social all the
time. I'm so used to staying focused on my studies and interacting with
teachers more-so, that I know this is a challenge I have to face sooner
or later.
Stage 3: Recovery and Adjustment. I felt very overwhelmed during
the summer, because I didn't know how fast-paced the classes were, so I
was very down on myself if I'd miss questions (and when I made a 70 on
an exam). But now with this semester starting, I feel a lot better and
know I can do things, but if I fail or don't do my best, I can try
harder. It's not the end of the world. Stage 4: Isolation. I think this relates to Stage 2 a lot. Because I am isolated
in a physical sense, but I can always do more to be social amongst my
peers. Though I feel like people would be all, "Why is she trying so
hard?" Because when I do take initiative and try to be social, I may
talk too much, or unconsciously state facts, or bring up weird things
like my experience with Korean culture. So, I feel very out-of-touch
with my generation at points, and my values also. I fit better with
teachers and staff than I do my peers. And that keeps me in an isolated
bubble, at most. I definitely think this is an internal thing and a lot
of kids face this at some point, but it's a tad bit hard to just push it
away and not care how you present yourself to others.
Stage 5: Assimilation and Adaption. I do accept my life
as it is, but I don't feel integrated, so I haven't broached this stage
yet. I may have an idea of what it will be like, but I haven't truly
been there yet. I hope I reach this stage and quit fearing everything
that has to do with college life. I may be mature in the real world, but
I'm still lacking in the college world, because for one, I fear the
people, the adaptations I may have to take, and how things have changed.
But I go into this with open arms because I want to feel more at ease
in college.
I know for a fact I have faced culture shock head on (more than once)
and I'm hoping that I'll improve with ease. Social anxiety has always
been a problem for me and only this year have I really faced it and felt
the world around me without the fear of others. Nearly 20 years of
untreated social anxiety has an effect on you, so it's hard to adapt to a
culture of accepting and friendly people.
Okay, I'm too curious with Idol School, so I'm noting here who is who. Because there are A LOT of girls that many K-fans know, but don't realize. u__u 화이팅 언니들 랑 동생들이~!
I found most info on Insta and many girls who aren't known (like ex-trainees) had friends posting like "uri ---- congrats!" which means "our ----- congrats" and stuff like that. I haven't checked Daum or Naver for the ones I couldn't find info on, nor have I been on Twitter (I find that harder to navigate).
I already have girls I'm rooting for, obvi. But I hope all do well~!
Also, I have their personal accounts, but most are privated now, or aren't active. And I know a lot of their friends' accounts, but not giving that out. I should use my research skills for evil... jk. Note: girls had to leave their companies/groups to be a part of this. Anyone was allowed to join, from what I heard, so that's why non-company girls are here. There are a lot of Art School kids and dance academy kids, and a couple who have trained under vocal trainers that have worked with top stars... heol. 완전 대박~ 2nd Note:one of the young ones is as old as my oldest lil bro ㅠㅠ wtf
plus the youngins dance videos are typical sexual for girls and that's just--- no precious children no u_u 3rd note: why so many Jo's. Like what--- I'm glad to see more uncommon names though; Bin, Yang, Som. And only 3 foreignbloods; technically Michelle is half-Korean, but I still put her as foreign bc even Koreans are like "foreigner". But Tashaaaa & Jessicaaaa & Haein-ie~ And Natty got a lot of screen time-- just sayin'. 5 girls my age so far, though. Woot~!
BY YEAR: 이해인 Lee Haein – '94, was on PD101, was in I.B.I 이새롬 Lee Saerom – '96, participated in Dancing9 [gorg af] 배은영 Bae Eunyoung – '96, model 양연지 Yang Yeonji – '96, former BLOOMY member 솜혜인 Som Hyein – '96, model (Girls Rule) / ulzzang 송하영 Song Hayoung – 97, Hanlim student, guitar 유지나 Yoo Jina – '97 김명지 Kim Myungji – '97, former Tiny-G member 이유정 Lee Yoojung / UJung – '97, former myB member Ujung 홍시우 Hong Siwoo - '97 박지원 Park Jiwon – '98, former JYP trainee / was on Sixteen 빈하늘 Bin Haneul / Sky – '98, Hanlim student 신시아 Shin Sia (pronounced Shi-ah) – '98, former Momoland contestant, SOPA kid 이영유 Lee Youngyoo – '98, model, actress, was on Hip Hop the Nation 2 박선 Park Sun – '04, model, Kids Planet project, 추원희 Chu Wonhee – '99, dancer (was in GARTs girls Hip Hop concept) 이서연 Lee Seoyeon – '99, former YG trainee (was in the famous “2NE1” x years later video), guitar 조유빈 Jo Yoobin – '99, former Jellyfish entertainment trainee 이나경 Lee Nakyung – '00 (assumed) 윤지우 Yoon Jiwoo – '00, SOPA student 김은서 Kim Eunseo / Eunsuh – '00, former JYP trainee / was on Sixteen 조유리 Jo Yuri – '01 서헤린 Seo Herin – '02, former SM Rookies girl, speaks English (British accent) 백지헌 Baek Jiheon / Jihun – '03/'04, model, hapkido, acts, guitar & piano, was on kids' show Boni & Hani 김은결 Kim Eunkyul / Eungyeol – '05, model (w Park Sun), Kids Planet project
이채영 Lee Chaeyoung 장규리 Jang Gyuri 김주현 Jenny 노지선 / Roh Jisun 박소명 Park Somyung 이시안 Lee Sian (pronounced Shi-an) – older than '94, possibly (from friend account calling her unnie) 김나연 Kim Nayeon – ex Berry Good member 이슬 / Jessica Lee / Jessica Dew – former Highteen member, studied in PH, speaks English, Youtuber [she privated all her YT videos.] 조세림 Jo Serim 조영주 Jo Youngjoo / Youngju
FOREIGN / MIXED: 타샤 Tasha – '93, Singaporean, former Skarf member 화이트미셸 Michelle White – '04, mixed [her bro posted about losing their dad; he's white, so her mom must be Korean] 스노우베이비 Snowbaby / Cai RuiXue – '96 Youtuber, Taiwanese 나띠 Natty – '02, Thai, former JYP trainee / was on Sixteen 정소미 Jung Somi – '99, half-Russian [everyone is already comparing her to Jeon Somi and confusing them.]
For the past six months - starting between the end of July 2016 and August 2016, and temporarily ending with the new year - my life has been up and down with emotions, stress, and life in general. I was cut off of SoonerCare a year after I turned 18, I was taken off of my infusions (which I have never been off of for eight years), and I was put back on a common, but aggressive steroid called Prednisone... I don't have a good past with said medication. Aside from making me gain so much weight, I lost all confidence in myself, it usually messes up my GI (gastrointestinal system) tract and can give me ulcers. This time it was much, much worse and I haven't suffered so much from it than at this point in time.
Going off track for a moment; anyone who lives near me, or knows me, knows my feelings about our local clinic, which I call Choctaw Clinic (although it has an official name, but eh). They never diagnosed me with the proper diagnosis for years, always got things wrong, and caused problems for me since I was little. But I go there because I have Native American blood and they cover me and are supposed to take care of me, along with others. It wasn't until December of 2008 that a foreign doctor worked there and diagnosed me properly and sent me on my way to Oklahoma City, to a specialist, and my journey truly begins.
But now, however, I am back to the Choctaw Clinic and yet again... they have screwed me over. I'm sure I'm going to talk to Patient Relations about my new doctors, but we'll see. So far, my experience hasn't been great. Or even seemingly okay.
On Thursday, the 12th of January, I went back to OU for an adult version of my rheumatologist and had to redo all my history and see just what needed to be done. What exactly had changed in the past six months though? A lot. I was off of a less-aggressive and an IV form of steroid called Solumedrol. I was on IVIG, which was another common treatment for JDM patients (and it was starting to make me sick for the first time in years, so I'm not missing it, honestly.) I was on a different IV called Actemra; the OKC doctors recommended I start the shot version of Actemra, that adults usually take, compared to the one I was used to in IV form. Then, over time, I was on mixtures of drugs, to which my Choctaw doctors said weren't supposed to mix, weren't good for this situation, etc. I trust my OKC doctors much more, as they give me full information on everything they do, what the pills do, and so on. They even discussed the new biomarker that confirms a kid has JDM. My Choctaw doctors didn't even know about it.
Over at the Choctaw Clinic, I received a rather... shitty experience with a well-educated rheumy who was arrogant, rude, and overall negative towards me. Let's note that he had two files on me: my last two infusion info sheets from OKC in June and July. That's all he knew. He knew my name, sure. He knew I had JDM, okay. But nothing else. We discussed past medicines and why we stopped them. We discussed a lot. But, much like one doc at OKC, he wanted to know why I wasn't on methotrexate. Methotrexate is a common treatment amongst JDM patients as well. But over three-four years of me taking it, it started having no effect, was making me very sick, and was damaging my liver. But he wants me back on it and says my past results mean nothing. Just because it made me sick for years, doesn't mean it still will. We technically won't know until we try, but if the-- I don't know. I don't want to rant so much and cause more stress. But that was barely the surface of my treatment. I wasn't granted to get my port flushed again (I have had it done once in six months and recommended I do it every month; it's due), I was treated like I was dumb, knew nothing, and even though I know my own body and how it reacts (even with backup from previous records), I technically "know nothing" it seems. And even though we sent the records to the Choctaw Clinic, this specific doc said nothing was there.
Now, moving on to the thing I despise: I was refused to be taken off of Prednisone even though it is damaging my stomach, GI tract, gallbladder, etc. My pills won't work now. I was told I didn't need my IV infusions anymore, but he "wasn't sure, but knew enough [he] could tell" and that just irritated me.
Side note: every time we started weaning me off of IVs or certain meds, that's when my body reacts. Over the past three years, I have done fairly well and it's all thanks to Dr. Sestak. But now, without her, in a different place, and with all these different people trying to treat me, my mind is in so many places. I've always had negative effects to being off of Solumedrol or IVIG or even Actemra now. But with the replacement of Prednisone, we aren't sure what would happen. But with the terrible side effects of my Prednisone... what are we to do? That's up to them and their solution is to not check on my GI and to continue Prednisone since I'm well enough now.
The only changes I really got was a new blood pressure pill, I was allowed Flexeril for now, and since I'll be attending a behavioral health appointment today, I'll see if I'm allowed my other anxiety meds or what. My stress levels have been over the moon and I'm a ball of emotions, but, you know, that's fine for now.
I don't know how to organize all the facts, or what to say, but I'm truly disappointed and hope I can call and change things for the better. Never have I experienced anything good at the Choctaw Clinic unless it is the new ER center, the women's health center- nothing else goes good and it pisses me off to no end.
But, thanks to the Choctaw's... I'm pretty sure my new docs see me as the girl who refuses to take her meds (since I'm so against prednisone) and drugs herself (since I require so many meds for anxiety). They really make me feel great.
Compared to OKC, I feel dumb, insecure, and barely get to speak up at the Choctaw's with my new rheumy. And if you know me... you know I speak my mind and am loud. But when a doc comes in and treats you in such a way... what can I do when my anxiety goes up and my mind shuts off? Thankfully I've had amazing family go with me in case that happens and they always speak up if I space out. Due to my OKC rheumy vs. my Choctaw rheumy... I'm not totally sure of my treatment, but my Choctaw doc seems to think their consultation with OKC is just me going there to confirm I have JDM and he will not take their advice or anything. Brilliant, right?
So far though, I have Gabapentin at 600mg twice a day and an extra 300 mg pill at night; Lexapro, Lisinopril(?), Flexeril (muscle relaxer), protonix, sulcrafate (1 gram 4 times a day), levora (birth control that had to be adjusted thanks to my stress levels), plaquenil, prednisone (decreased thanks to my nagging). >> I was additionally on Effexor, klonopin, and another one, but I currently can't think. >> I was on three IVs.
Also, may I note that I finally got a flu shot (after years of being told I can't, which I agree with) and it made me so sick I couldn't function and wanted to go to the ER so badly. Yes, it wasn't the flu shot specifically, but since my immune system is so wonky and messed up... it activated it (which isn't always good) to make antibodies to protect me for a possible flu case in the future (that's what the shot does) and it made me sick. Even allergies have made me intensely sick. I was swollen, had a giant knot on my arm (the size of my shoulder), had chills, fever, was nauseated, and so on. But, y'know, forced to get it basically. Also go the pneumonia shot, but it wasn't a problem. Summed up update:
New doctors are rude, I got sick thanks to one of them, I was refused IV treatment I've been on for 8 years, I wasn't allowed to get off of a med that is making me sick, my GI problems are getting worse and they want to wait (yet again) to see what is wrong, even though I keep going to the ER; I still have no insurance but the Choctaws are paying for everything. I've been to two-three docs in the past two weeks and it hasn't been as well since both fought over my treatment. Is that all? I think so.
Thank you~ 안녕~
Name: Zoe Patterson
Known as: Cat Lady - jk! KissDromeda, KissDromedaGirl, Juliane (rp), Hyunchul 현철(rp), Sohee/소희.
Age: Nearly two decades old!
Lives at: Tumblr, AFF, blogspot, Twitter, and currently Evexia.
Country: USA
Favorite Colors: Pastels, Lilac, lavender, any shade of purple basically, white, silver, black, any shade of gray (however, Christian Grey isn't one), clear, any shade of blue, teal, coral, salmon.
Language: English (native), Korean (good enough), Spanish (good enough), intros in Italian, Japanese, Greek, and tagalog.
Hobbies: Writing (ofc), browsing the web, taking care of my cats, drawing, thinking up ideas, playing either Sims or Star Wars, reading, reviewing, dancing, singing, composing.
Favorite Quote: "If you believe in yourself, you're unstoppable."
Likes:
♥ Cats [this is a cat basecode so ofc this is here]
♥ Anything artistic
♥ Korean stuff, and many more cultures, too. I wanted to be an Egyptologist.
♥ Rapping and dancing; composing or choreographing
♥ Tumblr, Twitter, ifunny, etc.
Dislikes:
✖ Haters and fakers
✖ anxiety and depression [suffering from both]
✖ dealing with a lot of stress
Exchange Links
The current linked as "Zahra, Tsabbita, and DianeeyA' are the basecoders for this blog, so they get the creds! The rest are ones I like, my friends, and so on.
Random things since this is already here from the basecode. Check it out, and if it's empty, head on over to my Tumblr tags and browse around. eue Scroll down to the Others section!
I found myself in Wonderland, got back on my feet again - Alice by Avril Lavigne
