This blog is to keep track of my writing (from Oct. '14 onward), saving tips and tricks I find, little rants or raves, and so on. If you don't like it, kindly leave. I am a fangirl and reviewer, so do tend to post on that note as well.
One of the main topics of my current chapter is mental health. That's not necessarily touchy for me, but when I get started on in... I don't stop. It's like trying to stop a train, very hard. And I know I shouldn't be so brazen about it and speak so openly at times, but I have a hard time sugar-coating the truth at this point in my life.
I noticed this: "Top Five Reasons Why Students Disclose [their mental health]" 1. To receive accommodations.
2. To receive clinical services and supports on campus.
3. To be a role model and to reduce stigma.
4. To educate students, staff, and facults about mental health.
5. To avoid disciplinary action by the school and to avoid losing financial aid.
Now, for me, here's what I have going on. Anxiety, depression, mood swings, social anxiety, and previously suicidal thoughts. People treat it like such a disease and problem, but then don't like hearing about being helped. I started counseling in February of 2017. I had previously been to a psychologist in Oklahoma City and I didn't particularly like her, because she dealt more with treating me and not fulling listening to me. I'd rather have a psychiatrist than a psychologist. Psychiatrists deal mainly with personal help and one-on-ones, whereas the latter usually deal with treatment plans and evaluations.
My anxiety and social anxiety has been a barrier for me. I've dealt with the social anxiety all my life and didn't know it until I started treatments in OKC. I didn't really get over it until 2017. Nearly twenty years of me dealing with that and it was considered "being shy," when in actuality I feared people, which is worse than being shy. I couldn't get over being fearful of people and social situations. I functioned well enough and my mask was pretty good, but Jesus. It is a struggle.
And you know, I didn't really go through with trying to kill myself. Drugging myself with anxiety meds, sure. That is a problem and it wasn't really addressed because if I'd mention it, my doctors would give me fair warnings but not take away my meds. Plus OU basically drugged me with several anti-depressants and anxiety meds, so our Choctaw Clinic was like, "Whoa, this is too much how are you functioning?!" I don't know. I barely remember times in high school and the two years after high school. I remember the panic attacks and the anxiety and how I tried to sleep the world away last year, in 2016. Didn't really work. Left me lucid dreaming most of the time, which ended in nightmares.
But after the life-changing event I faced this year... I have a slightly broader view on the world. I'm in new living conditions, my life and history has been exposed for the worse, and I've handled my social anxiety so much better and my anxiety in general. I'm proud of myself. I honestly am. I faced Hell more than once.
You know... I still feel the stigma though. And the judgment. Mainly due to the fact I've always faced criticism from my community. People called me a liar, a fake, an attention seeker, a baby, and more. One of the worst feelings I had was finding out a girl who I loved dearly and was best friends with told my other friends that I was doing everything for attention and I shouldn't get special treatment.
I couldn't repeat all I've said in the past, but I'm too tired to write out an essay regarding my life experiences. Plus I have work to do.
Throughout all this stuff, I have been told I am a role model. I never feel like one, as I have major flaws and mess up as much as any human can. But I do want to raise awareness and help people understand that even the smart and nerdy kid from elementary school who all of a sudden is brought down by a rare disease-- she has fought it, and fought her mind caving in, and has fought social stigma. She's here. She's okay. She's still surviving and it's a challenge but the world wouldn't be functional if it was super easy. It's be a mess. And a lie.
Reading this chapter regarding all the stigma and problem we face, globally, is not only eye-opening, but leaves my heart aching. I wish mental issues were so stigmatized. We all face mood swings and anxiety at some point. We get sad, we get hyperactive, we get lonely. But if we are officially diagnosed, it's considered "bad". Which is an ignorant thing to do, people.
Future Zoe, keep breathing and trying to accomplish all you want. It's hard, but you've battled demons and fought your disease and went against evils in this world. You can do this. Whatever gives you that power and strength, let it be and keep moving forward. 힘내세요~ 할 수 있어. 약속해. 알지? 너 위해... 힘내. 미소. 노래. 춤을 해 아무것도 사람인 봐죠. ㅎㅎㅎ 이것은 괜찮다. 이는 괜찬아. 화이팅 소희씨~ 내일은 빛과 행복할래 주세용~! 안녕
One of the main topics of my current chapter is mental health. That's not necessarily touchy for me, but when I get started on in... I don't stop. It's like trying to stop a train, very hard. And I know I shouldn't be so brazen about it and speak so openly at times, but I have a hard time sugar-coating the truth at this point in my life.
I noticed this: "Top Five Reasons Why Students Disclose [their mental health]" 1. To receive accommodations.
2. To receive clinical services and supports on campus.
3. To be a role model and to reduce stigma.
4. To educate students, staff, and facults about mental health.
5. To avoid disciplinary action by the school and to avoid losing financial aid.
Now, for me, here's what I have going on. Anxiety, depression, mood swings, social anxiety, and previously suicidal thoughts. People treat it like such a disease and problem, but then don't like hearing about being helped. I started counseling in February of 2017. I had previously been to a psychologist in Oklahoma City and I didn't particularly like her, because she dealt more with treating me and not fulling listening to me. I'd rather have a psychiatrist than a psychologist. Psychiatrists deal mainly with personal help and one-on-ones, whereas the latter usually deal with treatment plans and evaluations.
My anxiety and social anxiety has been a barrier for me. I've dealt with the social anxiety all my life and didn't know it until I started treatments in OKC. I didn't really get over it until 2017. Nearly twenty years of me dealing with that and it was considered "being shy," when in actuality I feared people, which is worse than being shy. I couldn't get over being fearful of people and social situations. I functioned well enough and my mask was pretty good, but Jesus. It is a struggle.
And you know, I didn't really go through with trying to kill myself. Drugging myself with anxiety meds, sure. That is a problem and it wasn't really addressed because if I'd mention it, my doctors would give me fair warnings but not take away my meds. Plus OU basically drugged me with several anti-depressants and anxiety meds, so our Choctaw Clinic was like, "Whoa, this is too much how are you functioning?!" I don't know. I barely remember times in high school and the two years after high school. I remember the panic attacks and the anxiety and how I tried to sleep the world away last year, in 2016. Didn't really work. Left me lucid dreaming most of the time, which ended in nightmares.
But after the life-changing event I faced this year... I have a slightly broader view on the world. I'm in new living conditions, my life and history has been exposed for the worse, and I've handled my social anxiety so much better and my anxiety in general. I'm proud of myself. I honestly am. I faced Hell more than once.
You know... I still feel the stigma though. And the judgment. Mainly due to the fact I've always faced criticism from my community. People called me a liar, a fake, an attention seeker, a baby, and more. One of the worst feelings I had was finding out a girl who I loved dearly and was best friends with told my other friends that I was doing everything for attention and I shouldn't get special treatment.
I couldn't repeat all I've said in the past, but I'm too tired to write out an essay regarding my life experiences. Plus I have work to do.
Throughout all this stuff, I have been told I am a role model. I never feel like one, as I have major flaws and mess up as much as any human can. But I do want to raise awareness and help people understand that even the smart and nerdy kid from elementary school who all of a sudden is brought down by a rare disease-- she has fought it, and fought her mind caving in, and has fought social stigma. She's here. She's okay. She's still surviving and it's a challenge but the world wouldn't be functional if it was super easy. It's be a mess. And a lie.
Reading this chapter regarding all the stigma and problem we face, globally, is not only eye-opening, but leaves my heart aching. I wish mental issues were so stigmatized. We all face mood swings and anxiety at some point. We get sad, we get hyperactive, we get lonely. But if we are officially diagnosed, it's considered "bad". Which is an ignorant thing to do, people.
Future Zoe, keep breathing and trying to accomplish all you want. It's hard, but you've battled demons and fought your disease and went against evils in this world. You can do this. Whatever gives you that power and strength, let it be and keep moving forward. 힘내세요~ 할 수 있어. 약속해. 알지? 너 위해... 힘내. 미소. 노래. 춤을 해 아무것도 사람인 봐죠. ㅎㅎㅎ 이것은 괜찮다. 이는 괜찬아. 화이팅 소희씨~ 내일은 빛과 행복할래 주세용~! 안녕
Name: Zoe Patterson
Known as: Cat Lady - jk! KissDromeda, KissDromedaGirl, Juliane (rp), Hyunchul 현철(rp), Sohee/소희.
Age: Nearly two decades old!
Lives at: Tumblr, AFF, blogspot, Twitter, and currently Evexia.
Country: USA
Favorite Colors: Pastels, Lilac, lavender, any shade of purple basically, white, silver, black, any shade of gray (however, Christian Grey isn't one), clear, any shade of blue, teal, coral, salmon.
Language: English (native), Korean (good enough), Spanish (good enough), intros in Italian, Japanese, Greek, and tagalog.
Hobbies: Writing (ofc), browsing the web, taking care of my cats, drawing, thinking up ideas, playing either Sims or Star Wars, reading, reviewing, dancing, singing, composing.
Favorite Quote: "If you believe in yourself, you're unstoppable."
Likes:
♥ Cats [this is a cat basecode so ofc this is here]
♥ Anything artistic
♥ Korean stuff, and many more cultures, too. I wanted to be an Egyptologist.
♥ Rapping and dancing; composing or choreographing
♥ Tumblr, Twitter, ifunny, etc.
Dislikes:
✖ Haters and fakers
✖ anxiety and depression [suffering from both]
✖ dealing with a lot of stress
Exchange Links
The current linked as "Zahra, Tsabbita, and DianeeyA' are the basecoders for this blog, so they get the creds! The rest are ones I like, my friends, and so on.
Random things since this is already here from the basecode. Check it out, and if it's empty, head on over to my Tumblr tags and browse around. eue Scroll down to the Others section!
I found myself in Wonderland, got back on my feet again - Alice by Avril Lavigne
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