This blog is to keep track of my writing (from Oct. '14 onward), saving tips and tricks I find, little rants or raves, and so on. If you don't like it, kindly leave. I am a fangirl and reviewer, so do tend to post on that note as well.
Over the course of my JDM life (roughly eight years now) I've been on a cocktail of meds. From high doses to low doses; mild risks to extreme risks; I've been prescribed an abundance of medications for various reasons and I have either took notice or haven't. I digress on this: some pills leave more... impressionable marks than others.
As I was beginning my pre-teen and then teen years with JDM, I don't have the perspective of what it's like to grow up with JDM as a child, or how meds affected me then. I do have the perspective of the "kid with the red face," however, and that's not a fun thing to be stuck with. But most pale face gingers know that to ring true.
So, where am I going with this, huh?
I have been on steroids since day one of my treatments. Solumedrol, prednisone, prednisolone, something-else-one-or-something-or-other; mainly solumedrol and prednisone have played a rather important role in my JDM life. Not only do steroids make you gain weight, you can lose it, too. Coming from a family with a wide array of body types, I had been more prone to chubbiness, and although throughout my JDM years I've suffered on both ends of the weight spectrum... I still feel ashamed when the 'roids pack on pounds for me. I'm a typical girl who tries to love her body regardless, but still wants to work to maintain a body she appreciates. I'm not going to sugarcoat that any more than it may seem. I do genuinely love my body, because it's mine, and it is what I basically live in, you know? But I have often felt the societal pressures of wanting to lose weight -- that's a whole big long topic of how young Zoe nearly had a full-blown eating disorder thanks to school, society, the meds, and her ego.
For the most part, as I'm nineteen now, and I've been on the bigger side of my weight for nearly three years now, I struggle at times to love myself the way I am. I do sit idle a lot, but even if it seems that's all I do in life -- exist and eat and sleep or whatever -- that's not the full story. I am active. Just as active as I was sitting in high school for eight hours and walking from class to class, if not more active. And yet, you gotta know that it stings a little how the meds just pack on weight from all you take in despite profusely trying to strengthen the muscles and work the fat away. I feel like a lump of clay, being molding by JDM sometimes; it's not a bad thing, but it's not my ideal situation at hand. I'd love to lose weight, and I try my best to start doing more intense things to work out, like a normal person would...
Then JDM smacks me in the face, says, "bitch, not today or ever" and casually progresses to throw new things into my life. On top of my failing self-love at the moment, I now have issues regarding acid reflux and my esophagus. Weeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm joyous on so many levels (can you tell that is sarcasm-?)
I have ranged in the 170s to 180s in weight. Which sucks like no other because the main fat on my body - thanks genes - lies in my boobs and my abdomen. I have no butt, thanks Nannie, and I have okay legs than have been weird since forever. My arms are fat, yes, and aside from that, my tummy, and my boobs... I mean, I have my torso and it is fat. There we go. Honest Zoe. My torso is fat and squishy and although I try to keep my mantra of, "I wouldn't call my children or cats or anyone fat and disregard their pain or comments or talk trash to them, so why should I to myself and not love me?"
...sigh. I still struggle. Anyone would, right?
And you know what really grinds my gears with the steroids? They make me hungry all the time and even if I ate crackers -- which I did mostly throughout my final years of high school -- I still gain a shit ton of weight and nothing gets it off. I sweat, I do yoga, I am up most of the day doing some something to get myself going, and I always try to do dance breaks. Extreme KPOP dance breaks and anyone who knows KPOP knows that KPOP dances are legit tough, but legit fun, amirite? No?
I was doing so well. I was loving myself, losing a bit of weight, and then I was kicked off insurance and the whole shabang went down and 60mgs of 'roids a day is a lot and is expected to push my weird body into food-wanting-overdrive, and I do resist a lot of the time, but... but... It is two in the morning and I've been hungry since four in the afternoon yesterday. The. Struggle. Is. Real. My. Friends. It's real and a bitch and I don't like it.
And with the acid reflux taking a turn for the worst and I've literally choked too much from the simplest foods... will I starve and lose weight that way? I mean this as no joke and not harshly, but it's just--- my body is weird. JDM is weird. Actually, it's the meds and the issues I get because of JDM that is weird. My JDM right now is okay... I hope. I haven't had routine blood tests to see in months now. Joy to the world, this isn't the state of "OK" I wanted to find myself in after high school.
Until next time and another rant,
let's hope I can avoid binging and sleep this away.
p.s. Carmilla and SNSD videos for three hours and then reading Harry Potter fanfiction isn't the best solution, but it helps ease my mental agony of wanting to eat when I shouldn't be. That's all. ^__^
Basic ramblings of my search through both thriftbooks and goodreads and how I basically started off checking out books then quit because I ended up buying them all... but here are the amazing stories I found!
>> Based upon my
taste for books/stories/etc., it’s usually obvious what I go for; I always pick
out fantasy, psychological, and scifi stories. I can’t stand fluffy romance
novels anymore. I don’t like reading about war anymore, unless it’s got a plot
outside of just fighting. Action has to be an adventurous and thrilling tale,
not just hand-on-hand combat and bloody knuckles. So, today, while I was
supposed to be in class, I decided to browse around and find some good reads
that aren’t really… known.
WARNING:
Contains content related to psychological things, events, and peoples’
illnesses as well as suicide, murder, death, triggering subjects, and more.
The Bell Jar is a book I’m wanting
to read so badly, and it’s one people know. The same goes for Girl,
Interrupted, The Virgin Suicides, Speak (I did a book report over this), The
Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Hamlet and Macbeth, Still Alice, Thirteen Reasons
Why, Shutter Island, and many more! So many amazing psych books have been
adapted and turned into amazing movies for our enjoyment. I didn’t even know
some were books until I looked around
and found them.
An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods
and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison is one known
but I’d still like to get my hands on.
John Green, although an author I
have a love/hate thing for, wrote some good books I’d like to get my hands on
as well – Looking For Alaska is one of those.
For Her Own Good: Two Centuries of
the Experts’ Advice by Barbara Ehrenreich and Deidre English – first published
in 1978, apparently updated from history, tells of scientific, medical, and
other women and how they are told how
to live.
Now, just to note some favorite
authors, Laurie Halse Anderson is the first I shall name since she’s the
amazing author behind my childhood stories that stayed with me, and the amazing
book called Speak. My friends read Twisted at the last part of sixth grade.
Fever 1793 is on my reading list, but hasn’t been acquired by me just yet.
The collab between Laurie, Michael
Cart, Joan Bauer, Emma Donoghue, Louise Hawes, Garth Nix, Sonya Sones, Chris
Lynch, Michael Lowenthal, Shelly Stoehr, and Angela Johnson resulted in Love
& Sex: Ten Stories of Truth. It looked pretty interesting and it’s adults
telling things about “right of passage” and “remaining a virgin but being
tested” – that’s adolescent life! And I definitely want to read it.
It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned
Vizzini – NYC teen Craig Gilner is determined to succeed at life – which means
getting into the right high school to get into the right job. Eventually the
pressure becomes unbearable and he stops eating and sleeping until one night
when he nearly kills himself. He gets checked into a mental hospital. || This
author spent his own time in a psychiatric hospital and made this story to
relate to not only himself, but all of us out there that relates so well, even
though that’s sad to think about.
Phenomena: The Lost and Forgotten
Children by Susan Tarr (another great author). This book looked amazing from
the description and was talking of how it is Malcolm’s story and this takes
place in New Zealand during the 50s. With a 4.68 rating, it seems pretty
astounding – even the reviews are great! I’m definitely aiming at grabbing this
book up and keeping it.
Suicide Notes by Michael Thomas Ford
is a book about a fifteen year old kid named Jeff who wakes up in the mental
ward with “the crazies”. And over time, we’re told his story, why he’s there,
his reaction, and how he finds the crazies less crazy as his own times there
ticks down. I was to get this, too!!
Project 17 by Laurie Faria Stolarz.
This talks about the origin of lobotomy and the Danvers State Hospital that
closed in 1992 – they say it was the lobotomy’s birthplace. On the eve of the
hospital’s demolition, six teen break in to spend the night and film a movie
about their adventures. Of course, this turns into nightmarish action and will
go from one mystery to another. It’s a thriller! I’m definitely sold.
House of Secrets by Ned Vizzini and
Chris Columbus is an upcoming series (or already one) and is very cool. Even
J.K. Rowling thinks the head villain is “seriously creepy”.
1984, by George Orwell, seems to be
a thrilling, take-back, and imaginative book that I’m borderline to read.
Although I’ve seen amazing reviews for this book, I also see people questioning
it and wondering what it is. To me, it seems so darn interesting… but I’ll wait
to see.
Sleepless by Thomas Fahy, seemed so
interesting and I want to read, but I have 20$ of books already and don’t want
to get any more… but it’s on my wishlist! It’s about kids from a school all
getting weird nightmares and waking where they weren’t. Deaths occur and
something’s up!
Over the course of my JDM life (roughly eight years now) I've been on a cocktail of meds. From high doses to low doses; mild risks to extreme risks; I've been prescribed an abundance of medications for various reasons and I have either took notice or haven't. I digress on this: some pills leave more... impressionable marks than others.
As I was beginning my pre-teen and then teen years with JDM, I don't have the perspective of what it's like to grow up with JDM as a child, or how meds affected me then. I do have the perspective of the "kid with the red face," however, and that's not a fun thing to be stuck with. But most pale face gingers know that to ring true.
So, where am I going with this, huh?
I have been on steroids since day one of my treatments. Solumedrol, prednisone, prednisolone, something-else-one-or-something-or-other; mainly solumedrol and prednisone have played a rather important role in my JDM life. Not only do steroids make you gain weight, you can lose it, too. Coming from a family with a wide array of body types, I had been more prone to chubbiness, and although throughout my JDM years I've suffered on both ends of the weight spectrum... I still feel ashamed when the 'roids pack on pounds for me. I'm a typical girl who tries to love her body regardless, but still wants to work to maintain a body she appreciates. I'm not going to sugarcoat that any more than it may seem. I do genuinely love my body, because it's mine, and it is what I basically live in, you know? But I have often felt the societal pressures of wanting to lose weight -- that's a whole big long topic of how young Zoe nearly had a full-blown eating disorder thanks to school, society, the meds, and her ego.
For the most part, as I'm nineteen now, and I've been on the bigger side of my weight for nearly three years now, I struggle at times to love myself the way I am. I do sit idle a lot, but even if it seems that's all I do in life -- exist and eat and sleep or whatever -- that's not the full story. I am active. Just as active as I was sitting in high school for eight hours and walking from class to class, if not more active. And yet, you gotta know that it stings a little how the meds just pack on weight from all you take in despite profusely trying to strengthen the muscles and work the fat away. I feel like a lump of clay, being molding by JDM sometimes; it's not a bad thing, but it's not my ideal situation at hand. I'd love to lose weight, and I try my best to start doing more intense things to work out, like a normal person would...
Then JDM smacks me in the face, says, "bitch, not today or ever" and casually progresses to throw new things into my life. On top of my failing self-love at the moment, I now have issues regarding acid reflux and my esophagus. Weeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm joyous on so many levels (can you tell that is sarcasm-?)
I have ranged in the 170s to 180s in weight. Which sucks like no other because the main fat on my body - thanks genes - lies in my boobs and my abdomen. I have no butt, thanks Nannie, and I have okay legs than have been weird since forever. My arms are fat, yes, and aside from that, my tummy, and my boobs... I mean, I have my torso and it is fat. There we go. Honest Zoe. My torso is fat and squishy and although I try to keep my mantra of, "I wouldn't call my children or cats or anyone fat and disregard their pain or comments or talk trash to them, so why should I to myself and not love me?"
...sigh. I still struggle. Anyone would, right?
And you know what really grinds my gears with the steroids? They make me hungry all the time and even if I ate crackers -- which I did mostly throughout my final years of high school -- I still gain a shit ton of weight and nothing gets it off. I sweat, I do yoga, I am up most of the day doing some something to get myself going, and I always try to do dance breaks. Extreme KPOP dance breaks and anyone who knows KPOP knows that KPOP dances are legit tough, but legit fun, amirite? No?
I was doing so well. I was loving myself, losing a bit of weight, and then I was kicked off insurance and the whole shabang went down and 60mgs of 'roids a day is a lot and is expected to push my weird body into food-wanting-overdrive, and I do resist a lot of the time, but... but... It is two in the morning and I've been hungry since four in the afternoon yesterday. The. Struggle. Is. Real. My. Friends. It's real and a bitch and I don't like it.
And with the acid reflux taking a turn for the worst and I've literally choked too much from the simplest foods... will I starve and lose weight that way? I mean this as no joke and not harshly, but it's just--- my body is weird. JDM is weird. Actually, it's the meds and the issues I get because of JDM that is weird. My JDM right now is okay... I hope. I haven't had routine blood tests to see in months now. Joy to the world, this isn't the state of "OK" I wanted to find myself in after high school.
Until next time and another rant,
let's hope I can avoid binging and sleep this away.
p.s. Carmilla and SNSD videos for three hours and then reading Harry Potter fanfiction isn't the best solution, but it helps ease my mental agony of wanting to eat when I shouldn't be. That's all. ^__^
Basic ramblings of my search through both thriftbooks and goodreads and how I basically started off checking out books then quit because I ended up buying them all... but here are the amazing stories I found!
>> Based upon my
taste for books/stories/etc., it’s usually obvious what I go for; I always pick
out fantasy, psychological, and scifi stories. I can’t stand fluffy romance
novels anymore. I don’t like reading about war anymore, unless it’s got a plot
outside of just fighting. Action has to be an adventurous and thrilling tale,
not just hand-on-hand combat and bloody knuckles. So, today, while I was
supposed to be in class, I decided to browse around and find some good reads
that aren’t really… known.
WARNING:
Contains content related to psychological things, events, and peoples’
illnesses as well as suicide, murder, death, triggering subjects, and more.
The Bell Jar is a book I’m wanting
to read so badly, and it’s one people know. The same goes for Girl,
Interrupted, The Virgin Suicides, Speak (I did a book report over this), The
Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Hamlet and Macbeth, Still Alice, Thirteen Reasons
Why, Shutter Island, and many more! So many amazing psych books have been
adapted and turned into amazing movies for our enjoyment. I didn’t even know
some were books until I looked around
and found them.
An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods
and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison is one known
but I’d still like to get my hands on.
John Green, although an author I
have a love/hate thing for, wrote some good books I’d like to get my hands on
as well – Looking For Alaska is one of those.
For Her Own Good: Two Centuries of
the Experts’ Advice by Barbara Ehrenreich and Deidre English – first published
in 1978, apparently updated from history, tells of scientific, medical, and
other women and how they are told how
to live.
Now, just to note some favorite
authors, Laurie Halse Anderson is the first I shall name since she’s the
amazing author behind my childhood stories that stayed with me, and the amazing
book called Speak. My friends read Twisted at the last part of sixth grade.
Fever 1793 is on my reading list, but hasn’t been acquired by me just yet.
The collab between Laurie, Michael
Cart, Joan Bauer, Emma Donoghue, Louise Hawes, Garth Nix, Sonya Sones, Chris
Lynch, Michael Lowenthal, Shelly Stoehr, and Angela Johnson resulted in Love
& Sex: Ten Stories of Truth. It looked pretty interesting and it’s adults
telling things about “right of passage” and “remaining a virgin but being
tested” – that’s adolescent life! And I definitely want to read it.
It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned
Vizzini – NYC teen Craig Gilner is determined to succeed at life – which means
getting into the right high school to get into the right job. Eventually the
pressure becomes unbearable and he stops eating and sleeping until one night
when he nearly kills himself. He gets checked into a mental hospital. || This
author spent his own time in a psychiatric hospital and made this story to
relate to not only himself, but all of us out there that relates so well, even
though that’s sad to think about.
Phenomena: The Lost and Forgotten
Children by Susan Tarr (another great author). This book looked amazing from
the description and was talking of how it is Malcolm’s story and this takes
place in New Zealand during the 50s. With a 4.68 rating, it seems pretty
astounding – even the reviews are great! I’m definitely aiming at grabbing this
book up and keeping it.
Suicide Notes by Michael Thomas Ford
is a book about a fifteen year old kid named Jeff who wakes up in the mental
ward with “the crazies”. And over time, we’re told his story, why he’s there,
his reaction, and how he finds the crazies less crazy as his own times there
ticks down. I was to get this, too!!
Project 17 by Laurie Faria Stolarz.
This talks about the origin of lobotomy and the Danvers State Hospital that
closed in 1992 – they say it was the lobotomy’s birthplace. On the eve of the
hospital’s demolition, six teen break in to spend the night and film a movie
about their adventures. Of course, this turns into nightmarish action and will
go from one mystery to another. It’s a thriller! I’m definitely sold.
House of Secrets by Ned Vizzini and
Chris Columbus is an upcoming series (or already one) and is very cool. Even
J.K. Rowling thinks the head villain is “seriously creepy”.
1984, by George Orwell, seems to be
a thrilling, take-back, and imaginative book that I’m borderline to read.
Although I’ve seen amazing reviews for this book, I also see people questioning
it and wondering what it is. To me, it seems so darn interesting… but I’ll wait
to see.
Sleepless by Thomas Fahy, seemed so
interesting and I want to read, but I have 20$ of books already and don’t want
to get any more… but it’s on my wishlist! It’s about kids from a school all
getting weird nightmares and waking where they weren’t. Deaths occur and
something’s up!
Name: Zoe Patterson
Known as: Cat Lady - jk! KissDromeda, KissDromedaGirl, Juliane (rp), Hyunchul 현철(rp), Sohee/소희.
Age: Nearly two decades old!
Lives at: Tumblr, AFF, blogspot, Twitter, and currently Evexia.
Country: USA
Favorite Colors: Pastels, Lilac, lavender, any shade of purple basically, white, silver, black, any shade of gray (however, Christian Grey isn't one), clear, any shade of blue, teal, coral, salmon.
Language: English (native), Korean (good enough), Spanish (good enough), intros in Italian, Japanese, Greek, and tagalog.
Hobbies: Writing (ofc), browsing the web, taking care of my cats, drawing, thinking up ideas, playing either Sims or Star Wars, reading, reviewing, dancing, singing, composing.
Favorite Quote: "If you believe in yourself, you're unstoppable."
Likes:
♥ Cats [this is a cat basecode so ofc this is here]
♥ Anything artistic
♥ Korean stuff, and many more cultures, too. I wanted to be an Egyptologist.
♥ Rapping and dancing; composing or choreographing
♥ Tumblr, Twitter, ifunny, etc.
Dislikes:
✖ Haters and fakers
✖ anxiety and depression [suffering from both]
✖ dealing with a lot of stress
Exchange Links
The current linked as "Zahra, Tsabbita, and DianeeyA' are the basecoders for this blog, so they get the creds! The rest are ones I like, my friends, and so on.
Random things since this is already here from the basecode. Check it out, and if it's empty, head on over to my Tumblr tags and browse around. eue Scroll down to the Others section!
I found myself in Wonderland, got back on my feet again - Alice by Avril Lavigne
