This blog is to keep track of my writing (from Oct. '14 onward), saving tips and tricks I find, little rants or raves, and so on. If you don't like it, kindly leave. I am a fangirl and reviewer, so do tend to post on that note as well.
Over the course of my JDM life (roughly eight years now) I've been on a cocktail of meds. From high doses to low doses; mild risks to extreme risks; I've been prescribed an abundance of medications for various reasons and I have either took notice or haven't. I digress on this: some pills leave more... impressionable marks than others.
As I was beginning my pre-teen and then teen years with JDM, I don't have the perspective of what it's like to grow up with JDM as a child, or how meds affected me then. I do have the perspective of the "kid with the red face," however, and that's not a fun thing to be stuck with. But most pale face gingers know that to ring true.
So, where am I going with this, huh?
I have been on steroids since day one of my treatments. Solumedrol, prednisone, prednisolone, something-else-one-or-something-or-other; mainly solumedrol and prednisone have played a rather important role in my JDM life. Not only do steroids make you gain weight, you can lose it, too. Coming from a family with a wide array of body types, I had been more prone to chubbiness, and although throughout my JDM years I've suffered on both ends of the weight spectrum... I still feel ashamed when the 'roids pack on pounds for me. I'm a typical girl who tries to love her body regardless, but still wants to work to maintain a body she appreciates. I'm not going to sugarcoat that any more than it may seem. I do genuinely love my body, because it's mine, and it is what I basically live in, you know? But I have often felt the societal pressures of wanting to lose weight -- that's a whole big long topic of how young Zoe nearly had a full-blown eating disorder thanks to school, society, the meds, and her ego.
For the most part, as I'm nineteen now, and I've been on the bigger side of my weight for nearly three years now, I struggle at times to love myself the way I am. I do sit idle a lot, but even if it seems that's all I do in life -- exist and eat and sleep or whatever -- that's not the full story. I am active. Just as active as I was sitting in high school for eight hours and walking from class to class, if not more active. And yet, you gotta know that it stings a little how the meds just pack on weight from all you take in despite profusely trying to strengthen the muscles and work the fat away. I feel like a lump of clay, being molding by JDM sometimes; it's not a bad thing, but it's not my ideal situation at hand. I'd love to lose weight, and I try my best to start doing more intense things to work out, like a normal person would...
Then JDM smacks me in the face, says, "bitch, not today or ever" and casually progresses to throw new things into my life. On top of my failing self-love at the moment, I now have issues regarding acid reflux and my esophagus. Weeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm joyous on so many levels (can you tell that is sarcasm-?)
I have ranged in the 170s to 180s in weight. Which sucks like no other because the main fat on my body - thanks genes - lies in my boobs and my abdomen. I have no butt, thanks Nannie, and I have okay legs than have been weird since forever. My arms are fat, yes, and aside from that, my tummy, and my boobs... I mean, I have my torso and it is fat. There we go. Honest Zoe. My torso is fat and squishy and although I try to keep my mantra of, "I wouldn't call my children or cats or anyone fat and disregard their pain or comments or talk trash to them, so why should I to myself and not love me?"
...sigh. I still struggle. Anyone would, right?
And you know what really grinds my gears with the steroids? They make me hungry all the time and even if I ate crackers -- which I did mostly throughout my final years of high school -- I still gain a shit ton of weight and nothing gets it off. I sweat, I do yoga, I am up most of the day doing some something to get myself going, and I always try to do dance breaks. Extreme KPOP dance breaks and anyone who knows KPOP knows that KPOP dances are legit tough, but legit fun, amirite? No?
I was doing so well. I was loving myself, losing a bit of weight, and then I was kicked off insurance and the whole shabang went down and 60mgs of 'roids a day is a lot and is expected to push my weird body into food-wanting-overdrive, and I do resist a lot of the time, but... but... It is two in the morning and I've been hungry since four in the afternoon yesterday. The. Struggle. Is. Real. My. Friends. It's real and a bitch and I don't like it.
And with the acid reflux taking a turn for the worst and I've literally choked too much from the simplest foods... will I starve and lose weight that way? I mean this as no joke and not harshly, but it's just--- my body is weird. JDM is weird. Actually, it's the meds and the issues I get because of JDM that is weird. My JDM right now is okay... I hope. I haven't had routine blood tests to see in months now. Joy to the world, this isn't the state of "OK" I wanted to find myself in after high school.
Until next time and another rant,
let's hope I can avoid binging and sleep this away.
p.s. Carmilla and SNSD videos for three hours and then reading Harry Potter fanfiction isn't the best solution, but it helps ease my mental agony of wanting to eat when I shouldn't be. That's all. ^__^
> When I was little, and obsessed with Animal Ark, there was a name - Kiera - I adored. Kiera, Kiara, Keira. I tried different versions. And oh my! This was waaay before I decided against the kids card. And then, I had this obsession with Alexa and Alexia. Alexia Elissa. Or Elissa Mae. I never even considered a boy name.
2: Do you
miss anyone? > My Papa mostly. And my Nannie. It's sad to think I knew my Nannie longer, and she got to experience my witty, and crazy ass thoughts that tumbled from my mouth. She and my Papa both got to hear my stupid story ideas and I'd nap with Nannie. I miss my Pa, too. But... not as much as my Nannie.
3: What if I
told you that you were pretty? > One day, a friend told both me and my other friend we were pretty. She went, "Awh! Thank you!" and me? I nearly hit him with my computer. I was having a bad day and I looked like crap.
4: Ever been
told “it’s not you, it’s me”? > Told my first boyfriend that basically...
5: What are
you looking forward to in the next week? > My speech competition. I'm debuting my Korean skills! Eee! And it's on V-Day.
6: Did you go
out or stay in last night? > I never go out.
7: How late
did you stay up last night? > I was sick much worse than I have been... so I'm not sure when I did. But I watch Dallas Buyers Club (finally, it was so good!) and then tried sleeping... then woke up at 3 AM.
8: Honestly,
has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? > My Meme. And my cats. I run naked through the house when I shower because no matter how many times I fail to get a towel and scold myself... I forget the damned towel!
9: What were
you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? > It's 12:15.... I'll be finishing this.
10: Have you
ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? > I never say it and don't mean it. But towards a significant other? Twice. As a child. Puppy love is beautiful and children and adolescents experience it so profoundly... I almost miss it.
11: Could you
go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? > Yes. But quick note... I broke a rule I promised myself. One of many. I like alcohol that is either black cherry, pina colodas, or something light. Not just beer.
12: Have you
pretended to like someone? > No. Sadly, those crushes hit me hard.
13: Could you
go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? > Fuck yes.
14: Is there
one person in your life that can always make you smile? > My meme.
15: Is it
hard for you to get over someone? > Uhm. I'm not really sure. That whole puppy love/first love thing is the thing that gets me. It's so intense and lasted a couple years after. So... I guess I have a heart that lingers.
16: Think
back five months ago, were you single? > I've been single since 7th grade. So, duh.
17: Have you
ever cried from being so mad? > I never thought I would... and I did. Thanks to my Pa for saying something so devastatingly evil... I broke.
18: Hold
hands with anyone this week? > My cat, Taz.
19: Did your
last kiss take place in/on a bed? > I don't even remember.
20: Who did
you last see in person? > My Meme.
21: What is
the last thing you said out lot? > some Irish word that was on this movie.
22: Have you
kissed three or more people in one night? > No. Germs.
23: Have you
ever been to Paris? > I feel now it's overrated... so, no. But I would like to go.
24: Are you
good at hiding your feelings? > Heeeell yeah.
25: Do you
use chap stick? > Various kinds. My favorite is goat milk or just the Vicks vapor rub because it works much better.
26: Who did
you last share a bed with? > As in sex? Never. As in for sleep? My Meme and cats.
27: Are you
listening to music right now? > I'm listening to an Irish movie. Starring Amy Adams.
28: What is
something you currently want right now? > Food. I'm hungry.
29: Were your
last three kisses from the same person? > Yes.
30: How is
your heart lately? > I don't have one. Kidding. Heart - it's figurative. Our heart aches in pain thanks to our hormones that are pumped from our brain. And our brain technically is our heart. So how can we say head over heart? Should be... smarts over hormones. Then, we'd decide better. But my heart? Messy.
31: Do you
wear the hood on your hoodie? > When I wanna look like a killer.
32: When was
the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? > It was Kaleb like... couple weeks ago?
33: What do
people call you? > Zoe. My name is short. So...
34: Have you
ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? > ALL THE TIME.
35: Are there
any stressful situations in your life? > Everything. Thanks to this thing called "anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder" - I'm a mess, obviously. Everything is stressful.
36: What are
you listening to right now? > This MOVIE YOU DUH HUH
37: What is
wrong with you right now? > All my head chemicals.
38: Love
really is a beautiful thing huh? > Depending on perspective.
39: Do you
make wishes at 11:11? > A tradition, so yeah.
40: What is
on your wrists right now? > Skin.
41: Are you
single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected? > What's with all this gooey lovey dovey shit? And I'm... anti-love. Is that bad? I know it'll happen, but no one deserves a mess like me. Tbh.
42: Where did
you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? > I'm wearing a gown. It's got holes in it and I have no idea.
43: Have you
ever regretted kissing someone? > Not particularly.
44: Have you
hugged someone within the last week? > I don't... know.
45: Have you
kissed anyone in the last five days? > Germs.
46: What were
you doing at midnight last night? > Being sick.
47: Do you
miss the way things were six months ago? > Not at all. Fake friends, lies, hurt, me being so damn depressed.
48: Would you
rather sleep with someone else or alone? > Alone with my cats. Unless you snuggle. Because I want hugs.
49: Have you
ever been to New York? > HELL YES IT WAS AWESOME I MISS IT.
50: Think of
the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? > My Meme. Yes, she did.
Over the course of my JDM life (roughly eight years now) I've been on a cocktail of meds. From high doses to low doses; mild risks to extreme risks; I've been prescribed an abundance of medications for various reasons and I have either took notice or haven't. I digress on this: some pills leave more... impressionable marks than others.
As I was beginning my pre-teen and then teen years with JDM, I don't have the perspective of what it's like to grow up with JDM as a child, or how meds affected me then. I do have the perspective of the "kid with the red face," however, and that's not a fun thing to be stuck with. But most pale face gingers know that to ring true.
So, where am I going with this, huh?
I have been on steroids since day one of my treatments. Solumedrol, prednisone, prednisolone, something-else-one-or-something-or-other; mainly solumedrol and prednisone have played a rather important role in my JDM life. Not only do steroids make you gain weight, you can lose it, too. Coming from a family with a wide array of body types, I had been more prone to chubbiness, and although throughout my JDM years I've suffered on both ends of the weight spectrum... I still feel ashamed when the 'roids pack on pounds for me. I'm a typical girl who tries to love her body regardless, but still wants to work to maintain a body she appreciates. I'm not going to sugarcoat that any more than it may seem. I do genuinely love my body, because it's mine, and it is what I basically live in, you know? But I have often felt the societal pressures of wanting to lose weight -- that's a whole big long topic of how young Zoe nearly had a full-blown eating disorder thanks to school, society, the meds, and her ego.
For the most part, as I'm nineteen now, and I've been on the bigger side of my weight for nearly three years now, I struggle at times to love myself the way I am. I do sit idle a lot, but even if it seems that's all I do in life -- exist and eat and sleep or whatever -- that's not the full story. I am active. Just as active as I was sitting in high school for eight hours and walking from class to class, if not more active. And yet, you gotta know that it stings a little how the meds just pack on weight from all you take in despite profusely trying to strengthen the muscles and work the fat away. I feel like a lump of clay, being molding by JDM sometimes; it's not a bad thing, but it's not my ideal situation at hand. I'd love to lose weight, and I try my best to start doing more intense things to work out, like a normal person would...
Then JDM smacks me in the face, says, "bitch, not today or ever" and casually progresses to throw new things into my life. On top of my failing self-love at the moment, I now have issues regarding acid reflux and my esophagus. Weeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm joyous on so many levels (can you tell that is sarcasm-?)
I have ranged in the 170s to 180s in weight. Which sucks like no other because the main fat on my body - thanks genes - lies in my boobs and my abdomen. I have no butt, thanks Nannie, and I have okay legs than have been weird since forever. My arms are fat, yes, and aside from that, my tummy, and my boobs... I mean, I have my torso and it is fat. There we go. Honest Zoe. My torso is fat and squishy and although I try to keep my mantra of, "I wouldn't call my children or cats or anyone fat and disregard their pain or comments or talk trash to them, so why should I to myself and not love me?"
...sigh. I still struggle. Anyone would, right?
And you know what really grinds my gears with the steroids? They make me hungry all the time and even if I ate crackers -- which I did mostly throughout my final years of high school -- I still gain a shit ton of weight and nothing gets it off. I sweat, I do yoga, I am up most of the day doing some something to get myself going, and I always try to do dance breaks. Extreme KPOP dance breaks and anyone who knows KPOP knows that KPOP dances are legit tough, but legit fun, amirite? No?
I was doing so well. I was loving myself, losing a bit of weight, and then I was kicked off insurance and the whole shabang went down and 60mgs of 'roids a day is a lot and is expected to push my weird body into food-wanting-overdrive, and I do resist a lot of the time, but... but... It is two in the morning and I've been hungry since four in the afternoon yesterday. The. Struggle. Is. Real. My. Friends. It's real and a bitch and I don't like it.
And with the acid reflux taking a turn for the worst and I've literally choked too much from the simplest foods... will I starve and lose weight that way? I mean this as no joke and not harshly, but it's just--- my body is weird. JDM is weird. Actually, it's the meds and the issues I get because of JDM that is weird. My JDM right now is okay... I hope. I haven't had routine blood tests to see in months now. Joy to the world, this isn't the state of "OK" I wanted to find myself in after high school.
Until next time and another rant,
let's hope I can avoid binging and sleep this away.
p.s. Carmilla and SNSD videos for three hours and then reading Harry Potter fanfiction isn't the best solution, but it helps ease my mental agony of wanting to eat when I shouldn't be. That's all. ^__^
> When I was little, and obsessed with Animal Ark, there was a name - Kiera - I adored. Kiera, Kiara, Keira. I tried different versions. And oh my! This was waaay before I decided against the kids card. And then, I had this obsession with Alexa and Alexia. Alexia Elissa. Or Elissa Mae. I never even considered a boy name.
2: Do you
miss anyone? > My Papa mostly. And my Nannie. It's sad to think I knew my Nannie longer, and she got to experience my witty, and crazy ass thoughts that tumbled from my mouth. She and my Papa both got to hear my stupid story ideas and I'd nap with Nannie. I miss my Pa, too. But... not as much as my Nannie.
3: What if I
told you that you were pretty? > One day, a friend told both me and my other friend we were pretty. She went, "Awh! Thank you!" and me? I nearly hit him with my computer. I was having a bad day and I looked like crap.
4: Ever been
told “it’s not you, it’s me”? > Told my first boyfriend that basically...
5: What are
you looking forward to in the next week? > My speech competition. I'm debuting my Korean skills! Eee! And it's on V-Day.
6: Did you go
out or stay in last night? > I never go out.
7: How late
did you stay up last night? > I was sick much worse than I have been... so I'm not sure when I did. But I watch Dallas Buyers Club (finally, it was so good!) and then tried sleeping... then woke up at 3 AM.
8: Honestly,
has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? > My Meme. And my cats. I run naked through the house when I shower because no matter how many times I fail to get a towel and scold myself... I forget the damned towel!
9: What were
you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? > It's 12:15.... I'll be finishing this.
10: Have you
ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? > I never say it and don't mean it. But towards a significant other? Twice. As a child. Puppy love is beautiful and children and adolescents experience it so profoundly... I almost miss it.
11: Could you
go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? > Yes. But quick note... I broke a rule I promised myself. One of many. I like alcohol that is either black cherry, pina colodas, or something light. Not just beer.
12: Have you
pretended to like someone? > No. Sadly, those crushes hit me hard.
13: Could you
go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? > Fuck yes.
14: Is there
one person in your life that can always make you smile? > My meme.
15: Is it
hard for you to get over someone? > Uhm. I'm not really sure. That whole puppy love/first love thing is the thing that gets me. It's so intense and lasted a couple years after. So... I guess I have a heart that lingers.
16: Think
back five months ago, were you single? > I've been single since 7th grade. So, duh.
17: Have you
ever cried from being so mad? > I never thought I would... and I did. Thanks to my Pa for saying something so devastatingly evil... I broke.
18: Hold
hands with anyone this week? > My cat, Taz.
19: Did your
last kiss take place in/on a bed? > I don't even remember.
20: Who did
you last see in person? > My Meme.
21: What is
the last thing you said out lot? > some Irish word that was on this movie.
22: Have you
kissed three or more people in one night? > No. Germs.
23: Have you
ever been to Paris? > I feel now it's overrated... so, no. But I would like to go.
24: Are you
good at hiding your feelings? > Heeeell yeah.
25: Do you
use chap stick? > Various kinds. My favorite is goat milk or just the Vicks vapor rub because it works much better.
26: Who did
you last share a bed with? > As in sex? Never. As in for sleep? My Meme and cats.
27: Are you
listening to music right now? > I'm listening to an Irish movie. Starring Amy Adams.
28: What is
something you currently want right now? > Food. I'm hungry.
29: Were your
last three kisses from the same person? > Yes.
30: How is
your heart lately? > I don't have one. Kidding. Heart - it's figurative. Our heart aches in pain thanks to our hormones that are pumped from our brain. And our brain technically is our heart. So how can we say head over heart? Should be... smarts over hormones. Then, we'd decide better. But my heart? Messy.
31: Do you
wear the hood on your hoodie? > When I wanna look like a killer.
32: When was
the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? > It was Kaleb like... couple weeks ago?
33: What do
people call you? > Zoe. My name is short. So...
34: Have you
ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? > ALL THE TIME.
35: Are there
any stressful situations in your life? > Everything. Thanks to this thing called "anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder" - I'm a mess, obviously. Everything is stressful.
36: What are
you listening to right now? > This MOVIE YOU DUH HUH
37: What is
wrong with you right now? > All my head chemicals.
38: Love
really is a beautiful thing huh? > Depending on perspective.
39: Do you
make wishes at 11:11? > A tradition, so yeah.
40: What is
on your wrists right now? > Skin.
41: Are you
single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected? > What's with all this gooey lovey dovey shit? And I'm... anti-love. Is that bad? I know it'll happen, but no one deserves a mess like me. Tbh.
42: Where did
you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? > I'm wearing a gown. It's got holes in it and I have no idea.
43: Have you
ever regretted kissing someone? > Not particularly.
44: Have you
hugged someone within the last week? > I don't... know.
45: Have you
kissed anyone in the last five days? > Germs.
46: What were
you doing at midnight last night? > Being sick.
47: Do you
miss the way things were six months ago? > Not at all. Fake friends, lies, hurt, me being so damn depressed.
48: Would you
rather sleep with someone else or alone? > Alone with my cats. Unless you snuggle. Because I want hugs.
49: Have you
ever been to New York? > HELL YES IT WAS AWESOME I MISS IT.
50: Think of
the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? > My Meme. Yes, she did.
Name: Zoe Patterson
Known as: Cat Lady - jk! KissDromeda, KissDromedaGirl, Juliane (rp), Hyunchul 현철(rp), Sohee/소희.
Age: Nearly two decades old!
Lives at: Tumblr, AFF, blogspot, Twitter, and currently Evexia.
Country: USA
Favorite Colors: Pastels, Lilac, lavender, any shade of purple basically, white, silver, black, any shade of gray (however, Christian Grey isn't one), clear, any shade of blue, teal, coral, salmon.
Language: English (native), Korean (good enough), Spanish (good enough), intros in Italian, Japanese, Greek, and tagalog.
Hobbies: Writing (ofc), browsing the web, taking care of my cats, drawing, thinking up ideas, playing either Sims or Star Wars, reading, reviewing, dancing, singing, composing.
Favorite Quote: "If you believe in yourself, you're unstoppable."
Likes:
♥ Cats [this is a cat basecode so ofc this is here]
♥ Anything artistic
♥ Korean stuff, and many more cultures, too. I wanted to be an Egyptologist.
♥ Rapping and dancing; composing or choreographing
♥ Tumblr, Twitter, ifunny, etc.
Dislikes:
✖ Haters and fakers
✖ anxiety and depression [suffering from both]
✖ dealing with a lot of stress
Exchange Links
The current linked as "Zahra, Tsabbita, and DianeeyA' are the basecoders for this blog, so they get the creds! The rest are ones I like, my friends, and so on.
Random things since this is already here from the basecode. Check it out, and if it's empty, head on over to my Tumblr tags and browse around. eue Scroll down to the Others section!
I found myself in Wonderland, got back on my feet again - Alice by Avril Lavigne
