This blog is to keep track of my writing (from Oct. '14 onward), saving tips and tricks I find, little rants or raves, and so on. If you don't like it, kindly leave. I am a fangirl and reviewer, so do tend to post on that note as well.
I hate to be that girl; the girl that goes on to say she never saw herself doing said thing but ends up doing it and blah blah. And I am that girl. I'm the girl that never saw herself so upset and anxiety-filled. I remember awaiting high school with my best friend, Lezlie, and thinking how awesome we'd be. We planned being singers. I wanted to grow up to be my idols. And yet... I wound up where I am today. And I'm not totally upset with where I am - I'm in no way mad about who I am. I love myself. But here's the twist: I have severe depression, anxiety, and I have symptoms of bipolar disorder. My mom has that. And both my sisters don't have it. And lucky, lucky me wound up with it. Along with my autoimmune disease bound with other little diseases or illnesses, I was struck with mental illness, too. And trust me... to this day I've never felt so crazy in my life.
Depression is shamed. People think people fake it. People call others "emo" and I'm tired of it. I've become so open with my illnesses just to get it into people's minds that... this is real. My Meme finally understood (even though she claimed to have depression, too.) that I was doing worse than ever and every time I'd cry out, "I'm crazy!" she'd deny it. Like any mother would. And I love that, I honestly do, but it's not her I'm trying to tell this to... it's me. The other problem that's outside the box of common knowledge... bipolar disorder. My father always called my mother crazy and when I asked my Meme about it, she tried her best to explain. And all those stories my family told me of her crazy days... all those cries for help... and I realize now, at 17, I'm more like her than anything. MANIC DEPRESSIVE DISORDER save me. When I first decided to tell my doctor about the harm and depressive states, my Meme was almost highly against the fact I could have bipolar disorder. She was like that... almost even to this day. And it sucks. I did research, and self-evaluated myself; even in unstable moods, I knew something was different than the normal depressive states. When I was a child, I got so mad once that I stabbed a pen through a clipboard (a wooden one) and in to my leg. I had the scar for a long time but eventually outgrew the thing. My anger back then was raging mad and it went on and off. Typical child behavior, sure. As a preteen, hormones come in yet I was "emo" and already writing my suicide notes and crying about hating my life. Bipolar isn't just being irritable or depressed. The disorder is different in everyone and I don't know my mother's case personally (although I'd really like to) but I do know that I feel her pain and depression she's had. I know how hard life could and must be at points. I understand. The mood changes can be from friendly, super hyper, outgoing, overly happy, or really giggly (me) to extremely irritable, depressed, suicidal, etc. Behavior can be talking fast (have my entire life), being distracted like some ADD kid, racing thoughts. I've always been like that, too. Some take on new projects or ideas and go back and forth, determined they'll do it... in the end they don't and make excuses, or they do finish it, to my amazement. One can be overly restless (and it sucks) or have hypersomnia (sleeping too much) and go back and forth during each mood episode. Some even have the idea of having "magical" abilities or hyper abilities like psychic ones or something. I used to think I was controlling the wind and a psychic. I don't now, obviously, but I still have weird moments that I have deja vu moments or dream up something then see it realistically some time later. Impulses, do you have them? I don't mean anything sexually, though bipolar patients can have either excess labido or none at all. I'm the latter. That leads to sexuality and romantic impulses, and that's too off topic right now. BUT! The impulses could be money, gambling, jumping off of a cliff, suicidal ordeals, deals, high risk behaviors in general. The depressive states can be risky and awful though. That feeling... the one that usually leads to suicide, has haunted me before. One Monday, after drama over a speech competition and some girls on my team being awful towards me, I took all my muscle relaxers, hoping to die. That morning I sobbed because my Meme and I fought over not going to school. That morning I sat on my bed and cried until she left, then cried because she didn't say goodbye... she was mad at me, so I understood. But that morning was a built up feeling. I felt almost numb, and so tired and sleepy, my body was feeling like dead weight - I just wanted to sleep. But I was also in pain, a symptom of my other disease. Yet I hadn't had symptoms in months. And it scared me, but I had taken a muscle relaxer as soon as I got up to the pain, and then finished the four others. 5 pills. 50 mg. A little over the normal max dose. Yet, of course since I have a high tolerance, I didn't die. I was drugged all day and didn't care. But I wrote a note before, feeling the relaxers taking me under their heavy wing. And my note was short... I just promised no one forget me. I assumed I wouldn't die, but it was a ritual. I will never know if my resistance will stay together long enough or if one day it'll break and I'll lose myself. But less than a week later, a girl in my town (an attention whore, sadly) did the same thing and remains in ICU. The immediate feelings of "they'd say the same over me" and so much more and it hurt me. The girl, I felt slight pain over her (and hate me for it) but she cuts her wrists and posts it on Facebook, tagging people. She did this for show. And that's what gives people with actual problems a bad rep. And I found it so coincidental to hear of something I tried to do the Monday before. Just... wow. But these things, I don't encourage. I don't encourage myself, but in the moment, your mind goes into such a mood and you're not yourself. You're not sane enough to make proper decisions. And as a psych lover and wanting to major in it... I always feel so crazy because I feel different compared to another time. Day to day I'm different. And to try and explain that one day I can be fine or overly giggly to super depressive and wanting to die. It's surreal and your mind is never level unless a brief moment appears and you see the light. Otherwise... you're deemed to feel crazy. And taking more meds will make me hazy and I don't like that. The ones now are limiting me and I can't stand it. So... stand with this stuff or try to live through the fog? Ugh, it's frustrating!
So, on more controversial and mind-bending notes, I'm heading to Belief-O-Matic (which I recommend) to mess around. I'll show you my results for some cool things regarding personal things.
>> I understand my zodiac sign; cancer crab. >> Which Harry Potter character are you? Luna Lovegood. Hermione Granger. [ You're clever, ambitious, and have enough brains to be in Ravenclaw: You're Hermione Granger, Harry's super-smart sidekick. Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/Harry-Potter-Quiz.aspx#z47JL52u2RWZcgOh.99] >> I'll post my religious finding after this. ^^
I hate to be that girl; the girl that goes on to say she never saw herself doing said thing but ends up doing it and blah blah. And I am that girl. I'm the girl that never saw herself so upset and anxiety-filled. I remember awaiting high school with my best friend, Lezlie, and thinking how awesome we'd be. We planned being singers. I wanted to grow up to be my idols. And yet... I wound up where I am today. And I'm not totally upset with where I am - I'm in no way mad about who I am. I love myself. But here's the twist: I have severe depression, anxiety, and I have symptoms of bipolar disorder. My mom has that. And both my sisters don't have it. And lucky, lucky me wound up with it. Along with my autoimmune disease bound with other little diseases or illnesses, I was struck with mental illness, too. And trust me... to this day I've never felt so crazy in my life.
Depression is shamed. People think people fake it. People call others "emo" and I'm tired of it. I've become so open with my illnesses just to get it into people's minds that... this is real. My Meme finally understood (even though she claimed to have depression, too.) that I was doing worse than ever and every time I'd cry out, "I'm crazy!" she'd deny it. Like any mother would. And I love that, I honestly do, but it's not her I'm trying to tell this to... it's me. The other problem that's outside the box of common knowledge... bipolar disorder. My father always called my mother crazy and when I asked my Meme about it, she tried her best to explain. And all those stories my family told me of her crazy days... all those cries for help... and I realize now, at 17, I'm more like her than anything. MANIC DEPRESSIVE DISORDER save me. When I first decided to tell my doctor about the harm and depressive states, my Meme was almost highly against the fact I could have bipolar disorder. She was like that... almost even to this day. And it sucks. I did research, and self-evaluated myself; even in unstable moods, I knew something was different than the normal depressive states. When I was a child, I got so mad once that I stabbed a pen through a clipboard (a wooden one) and in to my leg. I had the scar for a long time but eventually outgrew the thing. My anger back then was raging mad and it went on and off. Typical child behavior, sure. As a preteen, hormones come in yet I was "emo" and already writing my suicide notes and crying about hating my life. Bipolar isn't just being irritable or depressed. The disorder is different in everyone and I don't know my mother's case personally (although I'd really like to) but I do know that I feel her pain and depression she's had. I know how hard life could and must be at points. I understand. The mood changes can be from friendly, super hyper, outgoing, overly happy, or really giggly (me) to extremely irritable, depressed, suicidal, etc. Behavior can be talking fast (have my entire life), being distracted like some ADD kid, racing thoughts. I've always been like that, too. Some take on new projects or ideas and go back and forth, determined they'll do it... in the end they don't and make excuses, or they do finish it, to my amazement. One can be overly restless (and it sucks) or have hypersomnia (sleeping too much) and go back and forth during each mood episode. Some even have the idea of having "magical" abilities or hyper abilities like psychic ones or something. I used to think I was controlling the wind and a psychic. I don't now, obviously, but I still have weird moments that I have deja vu moments or dream up something then see it realistically some time later. Impulses, do you have them? I don't mean anything sexually, though bipolar patients can have either excess labido or none at all. I'm the latter. That leads to sexuality and romantic impulses, and that's too off topic right now. BUT! The impulses could be money, gambling, jumping off of a cliff, suicidal ordeals, deals, high risk behaviors in general. The depressive states can be risky and awful though. That feeling... the one that usually leads to suicide, has haunted me before. One Monday, after drama over a speech competition and some girls on my team being awful towards me, I took all my muscle relaxers, hoping to die. That morning I sobbed because my Meme and I fought over not going to school. That morning I sat on my bed and cried until she left, then cried because she didn't say goodbye... she was mad at me, so I understood. But that morning was a built up feeling. I felt almost numb, and so tired and sleepy, my body was feeling like dead weight - I just wanted to sleep. But I was also in pain, a symptom of my other disease. Yet I hadn't had symptoms in months. And it scared me, but I had taken a muscle relaxer as soon as I got up to the pain, and then finished the four others. 5 pills. 50 mg. A little over the normal max dose. Yet, of course since I have a high tolerance, I didn't die. I was drugged all day and didn't care. But I wrote a note before, feeling the relaxers taking me under their heavy wing. And my note was short... I just promised no one forget me. I assumed I wouldn't die, but it was a ritual. I will never know if my resistance will stay together long enough or if one day it'll break and I'll lose myself. But less than a week later, a girl in my town (an attention whore, sadly) did the same thing and remains in ICU. The immediate feelings of "they'd say the same over me" and so much more and it hurt me. The girl, I felt slight pain over her (and hate me for it) but she cuts her wrists and posts it on Facebook, tagging people. She did this for show. And that's what gives people with actual problems a bad rep. And I found it so coincidental to hear of something I tried to do the Monday before. Just... wow. But these things, I don't encourage. I don't encourage myself, but in the moment, your mind goes into such a mood and you're not yourself. You're not sane enough to make proper decisions. And as a psych lover and wanting to major in it... I always feel so crazy because I feel different compared to another time. Day to day I'm different. And to try and explain that one day I can be fine or overly giggly to super depressive and wanting to die. It's surreal and your mind is never level unless a brief moment appears and you see the light. Otherwise... you're deemed to feel crazy. And taking more meds will make me hazy and I don't like that. The ones now are limiting me and I can't stand it. So... stand with this stuff or try to live through the fog? Ugh, it's frustrating!
So, on more controversial and mind-bending notes, I'm heading to Belief-O-Matic (which I recommend) to mess around. I'll show you my results for some cool things regarding personal things.
>> I understand my zodiac sign; cancer crab. >> Which Harry Potter character are you? Luna Lovegood. Hermione Granger. [ You're clever, ambitious, and have enough brains to be in Ravenclaw: You're Hermione Granger, Harry's super-smart sidekick. Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/Harry-Potter-Quiz.aspx#z47JL52u2RWZcgOh.99] >> I'll post my religious finding after this. ^^
Name: Zoe Patterson
Known as: Cat Lady - jk! KissDromeda, KissDromedaGirl, Juliane (rp), Hyunchul 현철(rp), Sohee/소희.
Age: Nearly two decades old!
Lives at: Tumblr, AFF, blogspot, Twitter, and currently Evexia.
Country: USA
Favorite Colors: Pastels, Lilac, lavender, any shade of purple basically, white, silver, black, any shade of gray (however, Christian Grey isn't one), clear, any shade of blue, teal, coral, salmon.
Language: English (native), Korean (good enough), Spanish (good enough), intros in Italian, Japanese, Greek, and tagalog.
Hobbies: Writing (ofc), browsing the web, taking care of my cats, drawing, thinking up ideas, playing either Sims or Star Wars, reading, reviewing, dancing, singing, composing.
Favorite Quote: "If you believe in yourself, you're unstoppable."
Likes:
♥ Cats [this is a cat basecode so ofc this is here]
♥ Anything artistic
♥ Korean stuff, and many more cultures, too. I wanted to be an Egyptologist.
♥ Rapping and dancing; composing or choreographing
♥ Tumblr, Twitter, ifunny, etc.
Dislikes:
✖ Haters and fakers
✖ anxiety and depression [suffering from both]
✖ dealing with a lot of stress
Exchange Links
The current linked as "Zahra, Tsabbita, and DianeeyA' are the basecoders for this blog, so they get the creds! The rest are ones I like, my friends, and so on.
Random things since this is already here from the basecode. Check it out, and if it's empty, head on over to my Tumblr tags and browse around. eue Scroll down to the Others section!
I found myself in Wonderland, got back on my feet again - Alice by Avril Lavigne
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