This blog is to keep track of my writing (from Oct. '14 onward), saving tips and tricks I find, little rants or raves, and so on. If you don't like it, kindly leave. I am a fangirl and reviewer, so do tend to post on that note as well.
NOTE; My pasting is off, and it won't let me fix it as of yet, but please (future self) deal with the issue and fix the fact you can't space without deleting things.
By now, everyone knows about the
“Caitlyn Jenner thing”, as I put it. It isn't that I'm against it
– Hell no. I'm totally for her rights and what she's doing, but
yesterday, during my ride home with my mother... I thought about
writing over it.
A few days ago, when it was really
getting big and everything was airing on E! News and other media...
my dad happened to come over. Now, two things happened that day,
relating to my life, that also relate to Caitlyn Jenner; one was that
a close friend of mine put on Facebook
that he supported her fully, and one of our Bible Belt Christians
commented “gross.” Of course that is the match that stuck a fire
on the somewhat famous-amongst-our-town post. The two fought, and the
girl who commented is notorious for doing things like that; she
always enforces the Bible and her beliefs, which is her right, sure.
I'm not against that. But posting negativity on a post for
positivity... the guy was okay with her right to speak, but fighting
on Facebook over it because it's
against her beliefs... she even went and commented that the guy put
it up, aiming it at her! And he didn't, of course.
Moving
on. My family is super religious, like most of my town (and my state
which lies in Bible Belt, USA). I'm religious, too, but I believe
people can do and be what they want, because it's not my right to
judge and force them to change. And my dad, the overly negative and
hateful commentator of such things, came over and we proceeded to get
in a mini fight about Caitlyn Jenner. “He's gay!” Well, no.
Caitlyn said in her interview that as a man, she was attracted to
women, but now, she wasn't sure. This might have changed. And then my
father proceeds to say and quote the Bible. Relating this back to my
friend's post, we had a young kid (he's a Junior) that is highly
religious and walks around always quoting the Bible and thinking he's
God's prophet. That's okay – totally is. But he came in and tried
to help out the girl, to which my friend said they should quit trying
to “correct” him and let him believe what he wants. He
understands that what he believes is against the Bible. And the rest
of us, who are just like him – we get it.
But do we care? No.
So,
let me explain further.
Christians
always say that God has a predestined path for you, God loves you,
God is always there for you. “You shall not lie with a male as with
a woman; it is an abomination.” Do you know how many of our beloved
Bible figures did lie
with a man and many other women as well as his wife? Dating back
eons, people have done that. We are made to love and have the other
sex only to reproduce. And sure, a chemical in our brain can
determine our sexual orientation, but that's the same thing for sex
and love in general. They are both controlled by chemicals in the
brain. I feel you can love who you want, sleep with who you want,
etc., because it's your life, and if God really
hated it so much... he would put a definite stop to it. But
Christians argue back, “We were given free will.” I know that.
Thank God. We were also given a conscience, which is where that “free
will” resides. We have morals, laws, rules, etc., so on and so
forth, and to this day we sin as much on other things as we do
regarding same-sex things. But which gets the most hate and the most
cruelty? Because being gay, bi, transgender, or even asexual... it's
unnatural and people don't want to wrap their minds around that.
So,
looking to other faults in the Bible; endogamous marriage was popular
through the times of the Bible, as well as marrying (or just
reproducing) with more than one lady. Or man.
Let's
highlight some fun facts. Regarding marriage – specifically
incestuous – here's a list. Women were said to not be able to sleep
with a grandparent's spouse, parent-in-law, sibling's child, spouse's
brother's child, spouse's sister's child, nephews and nieces, child
or stepchild or child-in-law. Men couldn't with a parent, stepparent,
parent's spouse or siblings, uncle/aunt, child-in-law, or spouse's
grandchild. Everything else is seen as okay in the Bible.
Even sleeping with your own daughter.
1
Corinthians 6:9-11 states that if you're unrighteous, you won't enter
the Kingdom of God. So, you can't be sexually immoral (no sex before
marriage, bitches), idolate, adulterers, men who practice gayness
(much more fun word than homosexuality, lmao), thievery, greedy,
drunkards, revilers, swindlers – they don't get into Heaven. By
drunkies, greedy bitches, revilers, thieves, gay men, idolaters,
adulterers, and the sexually immoral! “But no! If we admit our sins
and pray and repent, God will forgive us.” Okay, sure. But why the
hell is it so wrong for someone to love another person who
makes them feel happy and they
get hated on so much, but someone who can be a party-goer who is
addicted to alcohol and drugs, always having sex, and so forth –
why can they be shamed for a day, then repent their sins and seen as
holy, then go back to their old ways (in private) and get into
Heaven? Because I know a lot of people who do that. I honestly do.
And yet so many people see them as amazing Christians. James 4:12
“There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and
to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?”
With
my final quote from above, I think to the fact someone would confront
me, saying, “But you're judging them.” With positivity and
happiness. Why is that so wrong for me to accept them and wish them
happiness? Morality is different than our Bible's commandments.
Romans 1:32 can argue against me, but listen. Morality is “principles
concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad
behavior.” So, you know what? Loving someone isn't wrong. You can't
specify, unless it's in your religion. Wanting to be true to yourself
isn't wrong, unless it's in your religion. In the Bible, a
contradictory thing is that you put to death, and murder, someone who
has committed sin, but your act of sin is “okay” because God said
so. If God is so loving, why is he letting hatred lead to killing
people who were unhappy until they found happiness? Why would God
wish death and fire upon such an act, but forgive others so easily?
That's what Christians around here display, and I don't think they
realize that.
On
salon.com, a post states this, “In
Genesis 19, we read the story of Sodom, from which the terms “sodomy”
and “sodomite” are drawn. In this story, two angels (in both
Hebrew and Greek the word “angel” means “messenger”) came
from God, and visited the town of Sodom. Lot, Abraham’s nephew,
invited the men to lodge with him for the night. Here’s what
Genesis says: “Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every
part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the
house. They called to Lot, ‘Where are the men who came to you
tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.’
Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said,
‘No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two
daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to
you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything
to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof ’
” (Genesis 19:4–8, niv).But
here’s the question I would ask related to this story: is this
story really about loving, committed homosexual relationships? Had
the town’s men gang-raped Lot’s daughters, would this story be
about loving, committed heterosexual relationships? Of course not.
Did the men of Sodom consider themselves homosexual? All of them? Or
was their attack upon these strangers a way of demonstrating power
over them, humiliating them, while violently gratifying their own
sexual desires?”
Back
to morality though, since it is an ultimate thing regarding how you
accept such things as being gay or transgendered. “Yet even though
morals can vary from person to person and culture to culture, many
are practiced universal, as they result from basic human emotions. We
may think of moralizing as an intellectual exercise, but more
frequently it's an attempt to make sense of our gut instinct.” This
was from Psychology Today. I looked through everything; even the
teaching of morality from a young age. I grew up seeing sex on TV,
boobs everywhere, harsh and nasty jokes being thrown about,
teens/young adults partying and drinking, music based on such things.
Yet, I never really was introduced to homosexuality. Even then, when
I was, I accepted it because it's like any other love... just with
the same gender. It may not feel right to you, but to them, it's like
loving any other S.O. Sadly, though, as in this decade we are
watching the world accept same-sex marriage, my town throws tantrums.
My towns also once hung people of color and “wrong-doers” and
apparently we're named after the giant Red Oak tree that we hung them
from. Up until the late 1900s, there was also a sign or something
saying to the P.o.C to not “let the sun set on your here”
which... is racist. But okay, right? It's okay to judge black people
and want them to leave, but since we're Indians, we can be that way.
The Indian morality here is shitty. So is our general morality, but
who am I to say anything? I'm on the wrong side of the board, here.
But I also like to throw facts around because I'm like that. In
ancient times, things were called “wrong” but still practiced by
some of the most outstanding religious figures. Marriages back then –
or even just joining of two – were for business, and most likely
relatives of second-hand nature. Don't even get me started on Adam
and Eve.
So,
my philosophy on things? I don't care about the religion, morality,
equality, etc., but in a sense, I do. I do care that those who love
each other be treated as people who love each other and not
abominations. I do care if people are harassed over their lifestyle
choices. Because, honestly, I would rather side with someone who
finally gets to be happy in their own skin than with a bunch of
people who want them sent straight to Hell for trying to be
themselves. Judging is all the same, sure, but there's a difference
between good and bad judging. If you want to harass and send someone
through Hell because they're doing something that isn't okay in your
book? Go for it, but realize you're being a complete and utter
asshole. They're not affecting you, are they? “They're insulting my
religion” shut up. Shut the fuck up. I am eating a load of calories
but is that truly affecting your diet?
Plus, I'm pretty sure those who are going against your religious
moralization realize it because they've had so many assholes quote
the Bible on a regular basis. So, quit being your judgmental asshole
self, let the person live their life, and let their judgment day
come. As you've said, from the Bible, only God can judge, so let him
and please don't come
at me with bullshit stating, “God would want me to speak of this.”
No. No no no no. No, no... no no nonono. He would appear to us and
tell us. If things like this were truly such a big disgrace, God
could fix it. So shut
the fuck up. Please.
To me, it's sad; saddening how I both hate myself and adore myself. For one, you learn through society and life about how you're supposed to be and then you see others speaking over the same issue and it becomes a norm for people to both... love and hate on themselves. Then you question yourself. Thanks to the whole ordeal facing my JDM - thr struggles of my weight, my looks from the skin part and then the psoriasis part, the chubby, swollen face and the weird looking contractures in my arms and legs... I was used to judgment on my looks. I was used to questions being asked and I even became eagerly ready to answer. But now, looking over everything... should I still feel weird about both hating myself and loving myself? I'm conceited, but why not be able to love who you are? You see the quotes over having to love yourself first, before anyone else (except God, if you're really religious and devout to the rules); otherwise I'm not sure how I should feel. Being happy with yourself is a taboo! People laugh at how conceited or self-loving you are and once you hate on yourself, they judge and pick at you. Humanity... sigh.
So, today as I'm preparing for my senior graduation this Friday, I am looking over my Senior photos (I'm late with them), and I see myself as both chubby and pretty. I love my curves, don't get me wrong. I dislike my boobs to a degree because having big boobs naturally and having to carry them nonstop... pain in the ass. And I even strained my pec. major, which holds up my boob - so there's that. Applause for that. But I digress. It hurts internally that for the first time in forever I can look at photos and think to myself wow, I look so pretty in this and feel satisfied that I actually look better than expected. Then I see the chubbiness and my heart hurts. My boobs make me look bigger than I am; bigger top, smaller bottom. It runs in my family like some powerful gene that has the say-so of everything.
Moving on from my personal looks, as I'm also graduating in two days, then going to my senior trip, I'm scared. My "adult" life is coming and though I've already been in this world as an adult for years, I'm only seventeen and I'm starting my journey to reach my dreams. I'm getting back into K2Z, hopefully, and I'm writing. I've found my passion again and my main baby is being worked on and I've found a happiness in a new twist. Yay! Then there's my fanfic I've had since 2012, where I met amazing girls that were always so supportive of everything and so sweet. I adore them so, so much. Also, I shall note that The Bluebird and The Sparrow by Janette Oke is amazing and a must read! This book is relatable and both heart-wrenching and heart warming. I was advised to read more of her stuff and then read works of a similar author - so hopefully that'll come to something. ^^
As for my dreams after high school... getting General Studies out of the way, then writing a book or two, writing on my fanfics, working with K2Z, seeing if I want to do a build up for medical studies or just working on psychology. Then there's my love of performing arts... what to do? I've had so many opportunities, and still do, so it's weird. But I'm hoping things go well. Life's newest chapter is opening up and I'm ready to step forward. I don't care what others think or who is left to judge me: my life, my options, my rules, my mistakes. I'm not giving up. Never have, never will. <3
From a bed time of 12.32 AM, after watching shows with my Meme and playing endless games of Solitaire, I wound up updating my review stuff all while growing restless and sleepy. Much to my agony, I found out one of my favorite fanfic writers is back to get another review and I really just want to pause time, read it, and then go to bed--- but now it's way past 2 in the morning and my cats are even acting up and playing wildly.
I've decided, on that topic, that I'm going to jot down some drabbles based on my kitty world and involving all the cats from history to current and no more, no less. Everyone's got to love cats, right?
....sadly, they don't.
But, as a note to my future self, staying up to read and review fanfiction isn't bad. Just make better decisions via priority-wise than what you have been. You can read that fanfic some other time and review it and play Obama games on Inkagames tomorrow. Rest, little friend. And I shall now.
I don't speak French or type it, but the little words I know aren't even close to being typed out. But they mean "farewell". And farewell for now it is. ^w^
Friday, February 20th, 2015. I went to school, not even feeling the slightest bit comfortable, and ended up returning home with my Meme (who volunteers at the school's elementary library) and I didn't know it then... but I was in for tragedy.
Ever since I can remember, we've been an animal-loving family, thanks to my Meme. Her parents, my Pa and Nannie, didn't necessarily care for animals, but were farm-raised people in our tiny town that lay right dead-center of the country in the Bible Belt of USA. My Nannie had a dog, decades earlier, whom she loved with all of her heart, but she lost him. And though she told me at one point that she doesn't hate animals, she just doesn't want me getting too cozy with them. I was the replica of my Meme and cared for cats even when I was small and knew nothing else. I was raised as an animal caregiver and watched probably a hundred cat births and deaths among not only my cats, but my dogs as well. I had a pup named Delilah who had Parvo and I never got to say goodbye. I watched numerous kittens be killed by fleas and had them die in either my small child hands or wake up to find Meme crying over the loss she'd had in her own hands. Cats were my friends and children, and no matter how crazy I may seem... I consider myself a cat lady. Because I know them like the backs of my hands and I love them with all of my being.
One cat, in particular, was a small, tabby cat whom was raised up in the bowels of a freezer, where there sat a hole for the cord and inner workings. It was warm, ironically, for a freezer's underneath, but a cat - perfectly named Bob Kitty for her bobtail - had a single baby. That single baby could fit in my hand. She was scared and didn't know what I was. And thanks to all my knowledge and upbringing with cats and their care and critical cases, this precious being wasn't harmed, but merely frightened. Her mother, a bobcat mix that roamed down to our home, was the ugliest cat I'd laid eyes upon, but I still found her beautiful in every way. She growled instead of purred, but when you held her, it felt the same. She was cute, and looked like her face had been smashed into a wall. And she raised the kitten until she couldn't anymore. And the baby was old enough to move around on its own and eat kitty chow.
The first hour was spent watching this tiny tabby sit in a plate of kitten food and warm milk. I giggled nonstop at how indescribably cute this kitten was. She wouldn't sit outside of the plate and fit just so well in the plate - she was just that small. And the one noticeable feature that she held was her large, bright chartreuse eyes that seemed to glow every time you'd see them. I took many pictures of that precious baby and kept taking pictures as she grew.
And it just wasn't her that was found in that month. We had several outdoor cats and never got them fixed because time wasn't ever on our side. The males were wild usually anyways, and we had two wild females whom we couldn't catch even if we tried. Plus, Bellary, an old, favorable cat of mine kept popping out babies at every turn. Thanks to her I found my lovely babies every year, as most times her litters were messed up and died.
Back to the baby however. I always made sure I got the say on what to name every kitten I got to see. Selfish me, I know. I was a child and knew no better. And we had probably a hundred or more cats in my childhood. And this kitten was merely found only two years prior to now. So, I still kinda, you know... had my say in the name of her. And I had her in my room, and just kept saying random names I liked until she turned her head to me and perked up. It was such a magical moment. She was precious like any gem should be, and she stayed by me. She easily potty trained herself within a day, ate properly, and cuddled with me. I fell in love with that darling kitten and she did with me. She was yet another kitten of favor and I loved her more than words, as that usually happens with every cat I bond with. The cat's name - back to that - was decided to be Luna. But her nickname that stayed with her was Piranha because whenever she was given food or human food for that matter, she would snatch it up or nearly bite you to get it. She never grew out of that and I kept calling her that cheeky name from then on.
Skip ahead some time. Luna grew, gradually. She had a new playmate, Moose, whom was my Meme's baby's kitten whom survived as a loner, much like his new friend. He was yellow and white, cute as a button, and timid, much like his mother. In our home we originally had my newest cat, Betsy, and she wasn't kitten savvy, but she loved Rainn and Thunder, whom were actually Luna's older siblings, and she loved Luna, and she grew to love Moose easily.
At one point, my great grandparent became ill again, hospital bound, and Rain and Thunder were thrown out. This was before Luna. Rainn survived, injured, and Thunder never returned.
In the end, I loved this cat dearly and I raised her for two years, watching her give birth (and she cried so much) and I helped as best I could. She loved her kittens and the orphan kittens so much - as much as any mother loves her babies. And she lost some. And as her babies grew, she grew, too. She was always my baby and had the weirdest meow - mew mew. I can't describe it properly, but it was so cute and I'd respond how she meowed to me. Because she always answers, and we always conversed, and she cuddled and played.
Her nephew, Rainn's baby, one of three whom weren't disfigured. Her babies still had problems and had mental issues that threw them off-balance and one had a bone forming outside of the skin - this baby was also blind and was dying anyways, so I watched as it was put to sleep. The final two worse off-balance and looked just alike, but one was female and the other was male and they were the cutest yet ugliest babies thanks to their weird look. Reese and Soa (So-uh). Soa was so attached to her brother that was put to sleep and she grew up reserved and still is to this day. Reese was loving and clumsy, much like his mother, and loved attention and playing.
When I found Rainn dead, I swore I care for her babies. I'd care for all of the babies that came of our cats - over ten. They went outside and I tried to care for them all.
But, sadly, as a final conclusion to information that isn't cared for... I came home on February 20th, 2015, to find Reese killed on our carport. I cried and fell to the ground. You see, somehow our family brought in a stray male and my dad (who lives across the street from us, in the country, remember) and he used the suckiest excuse for not fixing him. They already had two females, both mutts, one a pitbull mix. Of course this ended with fourteen puppies, ten pitbull mutts, and they are nearly six months old now, I think. They can never be kept held up, and appear to be able to break free of anything and refuse to train. So, all in all, they killed Reese. And with that, my Meme was screaming and my dad ran across the street to figure out what happened. They, along with a crying me, searched the area and I saw the pups run to the old well-house, so I took off running just in case.
Never in my life have I ever prepared to get my heart broken so many times by loosing my babies. If anyone says it's crazy to feel so attached to animals, they are the crazy ones. I usually spend days with little sleep, end up bottle feeding babies if they're too small, and spend hours teaching them and raising them. That's what parents do - humans, animals, and so on. These cats were my babies, just not flesh and blood. And to walk up on your dead child, eyes open with faded pain, body mutilated, and your heart ripping apart with such force... it hurts. I screamed. I screamed and cried and ran. I don't remember much, but I remember ending up in the floor of our hallway, sobbing because it was my fault she was dead. The night before, I put her outside, as usual, and actually at my Meme's request (but no matter how much she blames herself, it just... happened). Luna's body had hardened, so they killed her through the night. I killed her and screamed about it and cried over it. And though it's done and over, that wasn't even the end of the dogs. For it's been merely three days, we had four cats missing, one a tiny baby, and ten pups running wild even after we cage them up or my dad chains them up... they always wind up loose.
Yesterday I saved two cats, by chance. I was inside and barely heard the barking and fighting of dogs. They were in my dad's shed, trying to kill their giant cat, Jett. I saved him... but barely. And then later that morning, they went after our seven y/o cat Daisy and she is injured as of now. I washed her in a warm bath and though it began sleeting and snowing... I stood outside and wanted to murder those dogs. My heart was broken not once, but twice. And now I only have one missing cat, whom was one we struggled to keep safe and stable as a baby. Daffodil, or as my Meme calls her: Pooper Scooper.
The pain felt resonates all throughout me. I don't cry, because I'm just one of those people who... almost can't cry. And I've cried. I've cried at sad movies. I've cried over thoughts. I've cried because another baby of mine was ripped from me and I will never hear her funny mewing ever again. I won't pet her fluffy tabby fur. I won't get to cuddle her or yell "Yoona bee-bee" which was her goofy-ass Korean nickname I gave her. I will never get to tell her how much I love her ever again, and my promise I made a week prior of bringing her back in as my baby, to this newer house, won't be accomplished. For she and her nephew are now buried at the edge of our yard, which holds cacti and bales of hay for decoration. It holds fake deer for decoration. And it's a ledge, as our front yard it a bit higher than our field (weird country logic) and is lined with stone. For now, I have lost a baby and I have lost a loving baby boy cat that I'll never get to coo to and squeal "Reesey cup!"
I hate to think this is it. I have lost two babies, I can't find another, and these dogs have hurt many other cats. The mothers of both sets of dogs have been gone for weeks, presumably dead. And they're left with the devilish father.
All in all, I miss my Luna terribly. I miss her and will always. For these types of deaths I mourn so much because I raise these like my own children and then have to suffer and know they were brutally murdered.
I am so sorry, my dear babies.
I would've rather me suffer what horrible pain both of you felt than to have that ever happen to you. "That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." - TFIOS, John Green To my internal pain, it hurts like hell and it vibrates when I move or speak, and the inner struggle makes me tired. For I am at a loss for words and mishaps. I shutter over memories because they cause me to break down. And that sucks. Even for this being animals, the pain still hurts just as bad as loosing my Papa, my Pa, my Nannie, and anyone else I loved dearly. You never understand how strong a connection is until it's broken... that's when the pain starts. And the moment you realize you'll never get another moment with those brilliant eyes ever again... that the moment that can kill you in an instant.
What a wonderful daaaay to be alive. Bullshit.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have some problems. JDM, which causes me to have little to no immune system. And then I have depression, which only my close friends know about. And anxiety, which everyone is aware of. And now? Bipolar II disorder. No one can fucking understand. No one here and do you know how many friends I've lost outside of my close circle? A fucking lot! Because people suck and high school is shitty and teachers are so two-faced they're ugly. And me... I have a friend who is my little rock and the other is the raging voice I don't have. And between the two, I ensue in stress and hatred and they express all the shit I hide away.
And two weeks ago? For the first time in ages I tried to fucking kill myself. And it's affected me ever since. No good meds, no good treatment, just shit and shitty people. People here suck. I understand that suicide isn't the answer, but everyone who has tried- everyone who knows the awful feeling you get that numbs you to the core and it kills you... death is the option. Death is the answer. And this fucked up world has no answers - this fucked up world is killing me slowly.
And here's what I posted on my new site's journal, for good measure of how my day is going:
"Of course, my Meme and myself are destined to be denied of actions or words at any given moment. I’m a panic case – a risk no teacher wants. And as soon as I start uttering out warnings of dangerous germs or things because I’m immuno-suppressant and need to know every virus in the school… they judge me. The looks are nasty and the remarks are crude and I have more than a simple immune disease and no one will consider that for a moment. And you know how that feels? Terrible. And today… today is one of those not so good days that I’m left being called a “rumor spreader” and being judged.
I have a cold. And when you have a small immune system, you really can’t fight it off so what happens? You’re left tired. You’re left weak. And I’m at school. Not to boast but if you are weak and sick with a little immune system YOU CAN’T SURVIVE BEING AWAKE ALL DAY AND I’M HERE. And since people know more about other kids at my school with diseases like diabetes or whatever, they think they’re so bad. And I hate hating on others… but… no one ever seems to voice consideration for my position unless they’re my closest friends.
Thanks to all these kinds of things… it causes my anxiety to flare. I have pills, but not with me currently. And my bipolar stuff leads me more to my depression state and anyone suffering from depression knows just how irritating that feels… it’s horrible! And yet… yet these people give me looks and tell me to stop spreading rumors. And it sucks. And I never pity myself but today? Today I’d rather be anyone or anyone else than myself. And that’s sad."
I just want to scream "FUCK YOU" to every person who is irritating me and denying me and pushing me down even if they don't realize it. If you say shit that affects me, I may be dying inside. And... these fucking people irritate me so bad. I can't wait to leave - be it this town, this state, this country, this world.
Only my true friends know me and know my life. They know my love for them. Everyone else... FUCK OFFFF.
Woo-hoo! Bible Belt, America. Where all those wacky religious freaks are. And I'm in a Southern state, grew up a Christian, and am an open-minded Earth child who should've been born in Hippie ages.
I took the Belief-O-Matic test and here's my top scores (I took this last year, and I got something totally different!) So... here we go.
>> Top score: Unitarian Universalist. || What is that? Weird name. 100% score for Zoe. So... what is it? Answer is simple and explains a lot about me. > They believe that each person is free to search for his or her own personal truth on issues, such as the existence, nature, and meaning of life, deities, creation, and afterlife. UUs can come from any religious background, and hold beliefs and adhere to morals from a variety of cultures or religion. > Holy- wow. Right? Back then (last year) I didn't see this on the list, but I was very open minded. Later on, I became more and more open to the world, as to myself also. And now I'm seeing this finally. Kinda mad that I'm only getting to this now. Bleh. But it's awesome, huh?
>> Second, 81%, Liberal Quakerism and Taoism. > LQ; Diverse beliefs, from belief in a personal God as an incorporeal spirit to questioning belief in a personal God. Most believe we are all sons and daughters of God. the Light within is accessible to us all. Believe God created the world, but also trust scientists. Few liberal Quakers believe in direct reward and punishment, heaven and hell, or second coming of Christ. Primary focus is nondogmatic: God is love, love is eternal, and our actions in life should reflect love for all of humanity. > Taoism; is a philosophical, ethical, political and religious tradition of Chinese origin that emphasizes living in harmony with the Tao (Dao). http://personaltao.com/teachings/taoism/taoism-101/
>> Third, 80%, Mahayana Buddhism > Includes diverse beliefs; the main Mahayana sects include Pure Land, Zen, and Vajrayana (or Tantric) Buddhism. Believe many countless Buddhas have been on Earth. Like the Theravada, they posit no Creator or ruler God. However, deity belief is present in the Mahayana doctrine of The Three Bodies (forms) of Buddha: Body of Essense, Body of Bliss or Enjoyment, Body of Transformation or Emanation. First is the indescribably, impersonal Absolute Reality or Ultimate Truth that is Nirvana. Second is Buddha as divine, deity, formless, celestial spirit with saving power of grace, omnipotence, omniscience. Third is an illusion or emanation in human form provided by the divine Buddha to guide humans to Enlightenment. They believe in the illusion to ultimate reality. Life after death isn't immediate; negative mental states persist through continual rebirth until one's intentions become wholesom. Once fully enlightened, one is liberated from rebirths, reaching a state of absolut selflessness resulting in ultimate bliss called Nirvana. One becomes Buddha. (Beautiful, huh?) >> Fourth, 79%, Theravada Buddhism
> Doctrine of the Elders; is the school of Buddhism that draws its scriptural inspiration from the Tipitaka, or Pali canon, which scholars generally agree contains the earliest surviving of Buddha's teachings. Believe Four Noble Truths - Buddha's teachings. Dukkha: suffering, unsatisfactoriness, discontent, stress; the cause of dukkha: the cause of this dissatisfaction is craving (tanha) for sensuality, for states of becoming, and states of no becoming. Read more here. >> Five, 71% Neo-Paganism
> Community of faiths bringing ancient Pagan and magickal traditions to the modern age - including mostly Wicca but also Druidism, Asatru, Shamaism, neo-Native American, and more. Neo-Pagan is an umbrella term for various and diverse beliefs with many elements in common. Some Neo-Pagans find no incongruence practicing Neo-Paganism along with adherence to another faith, such as Christianity or Judaism. Some believe in a Supreme being, many believe in a God and Goddess. Many believe in countless spiritual beings. No human incarnations are worshipped. After death, they believe in reincarnation after some rest and recovery in the Otherworld. Evil is imbalance.
Other rankings? 22% Seventh-day Aventists, 19% Baha'i Faith, 34% Roman Catholic, 38% Church of Christ, Scientist, 37% Conservative Christian Protestant, 34% Eastern Orthodox Christianity, 67% Hindu, 19% Islam, 34% Jainism, 58% Liberal Christian Protestantism, 43% Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, 57% New Age, 49% New Thought, 40% Atheism, 51% Orthodoz Judaism, 30% Orthodox Quakerism, 70% Reformed Judaism, 42% Scientology, 58% Secular Humanism, 62% Sikhism, 34% Jehova's Witnesses.
Sites;
belief-o-matic.com
google's instant search results
religions' official websites
I hate to be that girl; the girl that goes on to say she never saw herself doing said thing but ends up doing it and blah blah. And I am that girl. I'm the girl that never saw herself so upset and anxiety-filled. I remember awaiting high school with my best friend, Lezlie, and thinking how awesome we'd be. We planned being singers. I wanted to grow up to be my idols. And yet... I wound up where I am today. And I'm not totally upset with where I am - I'm in no way mad about who I am. I love myself. But here's the twist: I have severe depression, anxiety, and I have symptoms of bipolar disorder. My mom has that. And both my sisters don't have it. And lucky, lucky me wound up with it. Along with my autoimmune disease bound with other little diseases or illnesses, I was struck with mental illness, too. And trust me... to this day I've never felt so crazy in my life.
Depression is shamed. People think people fake it. People call others "emo" and I'm tired of it. I've become so open with my illnesses just to get it into people's minds that... this is real. My Meme finally understood (even though she claimed to have depression, too.) that I was doing worse than ever and every time I'd cry out, "I'm crazy!" she'd deny it. Like any mother would. And I love that, I honestly do, but it's not her I'm trying to tell this to... it's me. The other problem that's outside the box of common knowledge... bipolar disorder. My father always called my mother crazy and when I asked my Meme about it, she tried her best to explain. And all those stories my family told me of her crazy days... all those cries for help... and I realize now, at 17, I'm more like her than anything. MANIC DEPRESSIVE DISORDER save me. When I first decided to tell my doctor about the harm and depressive states, my Meme was almost highly against the fact I could have bipolar disorder. She was like that... almost even to this day. And it sucks. I did research, and self-evaluated myself; even in unstable moods, I knew something was different than the normal depressive states. When I was a child, I got so mad once that I stabbed a pen through a clipboard (a wooden one) and in to my leg. I had the scar for a long time but eventually outgrew the thing. My anger back then was raging mad and it went on and off. Typical child behavior, sure. As a preteen, hormones come in yet I was "emo" and already writing my suicide notes and crying about hating my life. Bipolar isn't just being irritable or depressed. The disorder is different in everyone and I don't know my mother's case personally (although I'd really like to) but I do know that I feel her pain and depression she's had. I know how hard life could and must be at points. I understand. The mood changes can be from friendly, super hyper, outgoing, overly happy, or really giggly (me) to extremely irritable, depressed, suicidal, etc. Behavior can be talking fast (have my entire life), being distracted like some ADD kid, racing thoughts. I've always been like that, too. Some take on new projects or ideas and go back and forth, determined they'll do it... in the end they don't and make excuses, or they do finish it, to my amazement. One can be overly restless (and it sucks) or have hypersomnia (sleeping too much) and go back and forth during each mood episode. Some even have the idea of having "magical" abilities or hyper abilities like psychic ones or something. I used to think I was controlling the wind and a psychic. I don't now, obviously, but I still have weird moments that I have deja vu moments or dream up something then see it realistically some time later. Impulses, do you have them? I don't mean anything sexually, though bipolar patients can have either excess labido or none at all. I'm the latter. That leads to sexuality and romantic impulses, and that's too off topic right now. BUT! The impulses could be money, gambling, jumping off of a cliff, suicidal ordeals, deals, high risk behaviors in general. The depressive states can be risky and awful though. That feeling... the one that usually leads to suicide, has haunted me before. One Monday, after drama over a speech competition and some girls on my team being awful towards me, I took all my muscle relaxers, hoping to die. That morning I sobbed because my Meme and I fought over not going to school. That morning I sat on my bed and cried until she left, then cried because she didn't say goodbye... she was mad at me, so I understood. But that morning was a built up feeling. I felt almost numb, and so tired and sleepy, my body was feeling like dead weight - I just wanted to sleep. But I was also in pain, a symptom of my other disease. Yet I hadn't had symptoms in months. And it scared me, but I had taken a muscle relaxer as soon as I got up to the pain, and then finished the four others. 5 pills. 50 mg. A little over the normal max dose. Yet, of course since I have a high tolerance, I didn't die. I was drugged all day and didn't care. But I wrote a note before, feeling the relaxers taking me under their heavy wing. And my note was short... I just promised no one forget me. I assumed I wouldn't die, but it was a ritual. I will never know if my resistance will stay together long enough or if one day it'll break and I'll lose myself. But less than a week later, a girl in my town (an attention whore, sadly) did the same thing and remains in ICU. The immediate feelings of "they'd say the same over me" and so much more and it hurt me. The girl, I felt slight pain over her (and hate me for it) but she cuts her wrists and posts it on Facebook, tagging people. She did this for show. And that's what gives people with actual problems a bad rep. And I found it so coincidental to hear of something I tried to do the Monday before. Just... wow. But these things, I don't encourage. I don't encourage myself, but in the moment, your mind goes into such a mood and you're not yourself. You're not sane enough to make proper decisions. And as a psych lover and wanting to major in it... I always feel so crazy because I feel different compared to another time. Day to day I'm different. And to try and explain that one day I can be fine or overly giggly to super depressive and wanting to die. It's surreal and your mind is never level unless a brief moment appears and you see the light. Otherwise... you're deemed to feel crazy. And taking more meds will make me hazy and I don't like that. The ones now are limiting me and I can't stand it. So... stand with this stuff or try to live through the fog? Ugh, it's frustrating!
So, on more controversial and mind-bending notes, I'm heading to Belief-O-Matic (which I recommend) to mess around. I'll show you my results for some cool things regarding personal things.
>> I understand my zodiac sign; cancer crab. >> Which Harry Potter character are you? Luna Lovegood. Hermione Granger. [ You're clever, ambitious, and have enough brains to be in Ravenclaw: You're Hermione Granger, Harry's super-smart sidekick. Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/Harry-Potter-Quiz.aspx#z47JL52u2RWZcgOh.99] >> I'll post my religious finding after this. ^^
NOTE; My pasting is off, and it won't let me fix it as of yet, but please (future self) deal with the issue and fix the fact you can't space without deleting things.
By now, everyone knows about the
“Caitlyn Jenner thing”, as I put it. It isn't that I'm against it
– Hell no. I'm totally for her rights and what she's doing, but
yesterday, during my ride home with my mother... I thought about
writing over it.
A few days ago, when it was really
getting big and everything was airing on E! News and other media...
my dad happened to come over. Now, two things happened that day,
relating to my life, that also relate to Caitlyn Jenner; one was that
a close friend of mine put on Facebook
that he supported her fully, and one of our Bible Belt Christians
commented “gross.” Of course that is the match that stuck a fire
on the somewhat famous-amongst-our-town post. The two fought, and the
girl who commented is notorious for doing things like that; she
always enforces the Bible and her beliefs, which is her right, sure.
I'm not against that. But posting negativity on a post for
positivity... the guy was okay with her right to speak, but fighting
on Facebook over it because it's
against her beliefs... she even went and commented that the guy put
it up, aiming it at her! And he didn't, of course.
Moving
on. My family is super religious, like most of my town (and my state
which lies in Bible Belt, USA). I'm religious, too, but I believe
people can do and be what they want, because it's not my right to
judge and force them to change. And my dad, the overly negative and
hateful commentator of such things, came over and we proceeded to get
in a mini fight about Caitlyn Jenner. “He's gay!” Well, no.
Caitlyn said in her interview that as a man, she was attracted to
women, but now, she wasn't sure. This might have changed. And then my
father proceeds to say and quote the Bible. Relating this back to my
friend's post, we had a young kid (he's a Junior) that is highly
religious and walks around always quoting the Bible and thinking he's
God's prophet. That's okay – totally is. But he came in and tried
to help out the girl, to which my friend said they should quit trying
to “correct” him and let him believe what he wants. He
understands that what he believes is against the Bible. And the rest
of us, who are just like him – we get it.
But do we care? No.
So,
let me explain further.
Christians
always say that God has a predestined path for you, God loves you,
God is always there for you. “You shall not lie with a male as with
a woman; it is an abomination.” Do you know how many of our beloved
Bible figures did lie
with a man and many other women as well as his wife? Dating back
eons, people have done that. We are made to love and have the other
sex only to reproduce. And sure, a chemical in our brain can
determine our sexual orientation, but that's the same thing for sex
and love in general. They are both controlled by chemicals in the
brain. I feel you can love who you want, sleep with who you want,
etc., because it's your life, and if God really
hated it so much... he would put a definite stop to it. But
Christians argue back, “We were given free will.” I know that.
Thank God. We were also given a conscience, which is where that “free
will” resides. We have morals, laws, rules, etc., so on and so
forth, and to this day we sin as much on other things as we do
regarding same-sex things. But which gets the most hate and the most
cruelty? Because being gay, bi, transgender, or even asexual... it's
unnatural and people don't want to wrap their minds around that.
So,
looking to other faults in the Bible; endogamous marriage was popular
through the times of the Bible, as well as marrying (or just
reproducing) with more than one lady. Or man.
Let's
highlight some fun facts. Regarding marriage – specifically
incestuous – here's a list. Women were said to not be able to sleep
with a grandparent's spouse, parent-in-law, sibling's child, spouse's
brother's child, spouse's sister's child, nephews and nieces, child
or stepchild or child-in-law. Men couldn't with a parent, stepparent,
parent's spouse or siblings, uncle/aunt, child-in-law, or spouse's
grandchild. Everything else is seen as okay in the Bible.
Even sleeping with your own daughter.
1
Corinthians 6:9-11 states that if you're unrighteous, you won't enter
the Kingdom of God. So, you can't be sexually immoral (no sex before
marriage, bitches), idolate, adulterers, men who practice gayness
(much more fun word than homosexuality, lmao), thievery, greedy,
drunkards, revilers, swindlers – they don't get into Heaven. By
drunkies, greedy bitches, revilers, thieves, gay men, idolaters,
adulterers, and the sexually immoral! “But no! If we admit our sins
and pray and repent, God will forgive us.” Okay, sure. But why the
hell is it so wrong for someone to love another person who
makes them feel happy and they
get hated on so much, but someone who can be a party-goer who is
addicted to alcohol and drugs, always having sex, and so forth –
why can they be shamed for a day, then repent their sins and seen as
holy, then go back to their old ways (in private) and get into
Heaven? Because I know a lot of people who do that. I honestly do.
And yet so many people see them as amazing Christians. James 4:12
“There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and
to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?”
With
my final quote from above, I think to the fact someone would confront
me, saying, “But you're judging them.” With positivity and
happiness. Why is that so wrong for me to accept them and wish them
happiness? Morality is different than our Bible's commandments.
Romans 1:32 can argue against me, but listen. Morality is “principles
concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad
behavior.” So, you know what? Loving someone isn't wrong. You can't
specify, unless it's in your religion. Wanting to be true to yourself
isn't wrong, unless it's in your religion. In the Bible, a
contradictory thing is that you put to death, and murder, someone who
has committed sin, but your act of sin is “okay” because God said
so. If God is so loving, why is he letting hatred lead to killing
people who were unhappy until they found happiness? Why would God
wish death and fire upon such an act, but forgive others so easily?
That's what Christians around here display, and I don't think they
realize that.
On
salon.com, a post states this, “In
Genesis 19, we read the story of Sodom, from which the terms “sodomy”
and “sodomite” are drawn. In this story, two angels (in both
Hebrew and Greek the word “angel” means “messenger”) came
from God, and visited the town of Sodom. Lot, Abraham’s nephew,
invited the men to lodge with him for the night. Here’s what
Genesis says: “Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every
part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the
house. They called to Lot, ‘Where are the men who came to you
tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.’
Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said,
‘No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two
daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to
you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything
to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof ’
” (Genesis 19:4–8, niv).But
here’s the question I would ask related to this story: is this
story really about loving, committed homosexual relationships? Had
the town’s men gang-raped Lot’s daughters, would this story be
about loving, committed heterosexual relationships? Of course not.
Did the men of Sodom consider themselves homosexual? All of them? Or
was their attack upon these strangers a way of demonstrating power
over them, humiliating them, while violently gratifying their own
sexual desires?”
Back
to morality though, since it is an ultimate thing regarding how you
accept such things as being gay or transgendered. “Yet even though
morals can vary from person to person and culture to culture, many
are practiced universal, as they result from basic human emotions. We
may think of moralizing as an intellectual exercise, but more
frequently it's an attempt to make sense of our gut instinct.” This
was from Psychology Today. I looked through everything; even the
teaching of morality from a young age. I grew up seeing sex on TV,
boobs everywhere, harsh and nasty jokes being thrown about,
teens/young adults partying and drinking, music based on such things.
Yet, I never really was introduced to homosexuality. Even then, when
I was, I accepted it because it's like any other love... just with
the same gender. It may not feel right to you, but to them, it's like
loving any other S.O. Sadly, though, as in this decade we are
watching the world accept same-sex marriage, my town throws tantrums.
My towns also once hung people of color and “wrong-doers” and
apparently we're named after the giant Red Oak tree that we hung them
from. Up until the late 1900s, there was also a sign or something
saying to the P.o.C to not “let the sun set on your here”
which... is racist. But okay, right? It's okay to judge black people
and want them to leave, but since we're Indians, we can be that way.
The Indian morality here is shitty. So is our general morality, but
who am I to say anything? I'm on the wrong side of the board, here.
But I also like to throw facts around because I'm like that. In
ancient times, things were called “wrong” but still practiced by
some of the most outstanding religious figures. Marriages back then –
or even just joining of two – were for business, and most likely
relatives of second-hand nature. Don't even get me started on Adam
and Eve.
So,
my philosophy on things? I don't care about the religion, morality,
equality, etc., but in a sense, I do. I do care that those who love
each other be treated as people who love each other and not
abominations. I do care if people are harassed over their lifestyle
choices. Because, honestly, I would rather side with someone who
finally gets to be happy in their own skin than with a bunch of
people who want them sent straight to Hell for trying to be
themselves. Judging is all the same, sure, but there's a difference
between good and bad judging. If you want to harass and send someone
through Hell because they're doing something that isn't okay in your
book? Go for it, but realize you're being a complete and utter
asshole. They're not affecting you, are they? “They're insulting my
religion” shut up. Shut the fuck up. I am eating a load of calories
but is that truly affecting your diet?
Plus, I'm pretty sure those who are going against your religious
moralization realize it because they've had so many assholes quote
the Bible on a regular basis. So, quit being your judgmental asshole
self, let the person live their life, and let their judgment day
come. As you've said, from the Bible, only God can judge, so let him
and please don't come
at me with bullshit stating, “God would want me to speak of this.”
No. No no no no. No, no... no no nonono. He would appear to us and
tell us. If things like this were truly such a big disgrace, God
could fix it. So shut
the fuck up. Please.
To me, it's sad; saddening how I both hate myself and adore myself. For one, you learn through society and life about how you're supposed to be and then you see others speaking over the same issue and it becomes a norm for people to both... love and hate on themselves. Then you question yourself. Thanks to the whole ordeal facing my JDM - thr struggles of my weight, my looks from the skin part and then the psoriasis part, the chubby, swollen face and the weird looking contractures in my arms and legs... I was used to judgment on my looks. I was used to questions being asked and I even became eagerly ready to answer. But now, looking over everything... should I still feel weird about both hating myself and loving myself? I'm conceited, but why not be able to love who you are? You see the quotes over having to love yourself first, before anyone else (except God, if you're really religious and devout to the rules); otherwise I'm not sure how I should feel. Being happy with yourself is a taboo! People laugh at how conceited or self-loving you are and once you hate on yourself, they judge and pick at you. Humanity... sigh.
So, today as I'm preparing for my senior graduation this Friday, I am looking over my Senior photos (I'm late with them), and I see myself as both chubby and pretty. I love my curves, don't get me wrong. I dislike my boobs to a degree because having big boobs naturally and having to carry them nonstop... pain in the ass. And I even strained my pec. major, which holds up my boob - so there's that. Applause for that. But I digress. It hurts internally that for the first time in forever I can look at photos and think to myself wow, I look so pretty in this and feel satisfied that I actually look better than expected. Then I see the chubbiness and my heart hurts. My boobs make me look bigger than I am; bigger top, smaller bottom. It runs in my family like some powerful gene that has the say-so of everything.
Moving on from my personal looks, as I'm also graduating in two days, then going to my senior trip, I'm scared. My "adult" life is coming and though I've already been in this world as an adult for years, I'm only seventeen and I'm starting my journey to reach my dreams. I'm getting back into K2Z, hopefully, and I'm writing. I've found my passion again and my main baby is being worked on and I've found a happiness in a new twist. Yay! Then there's my fanfic I've had since 2012, where I met amazing girls that were always so supportive of everything and so sweet. I adore them so, so much. Also, I shall note that The Bluebird and The Sparrow by Janette Oke is amazing and a must read! This book is relatable and both heart-wrenching and heart warming. I was advised to read more of her stuff and then read works of a similar author - so hopefully that'll come to something. ^^
As for my dreams after high school... getting General Studies out of the way, then writing a book or two, writing on my fanfics, working with K2Z, seeing if I want to do a build up for medical studies or just working on psychology. Then there's my love of performing arts... what to do? I've had so many opportunities, and still do, so it's weird. But I'm hoping things go well. Life's newest chapter is opening up and I'm ready to step forward. I don't care what others think or who is left to judge me: my life, my options, my rules, my mistakes. I'm not giving up. Never have, never will. <3
From a bed time of 12.32 AM, after watching shows with my Meme and playing endless games of Solitaire, I wound up updating my review stuff all while growing restless and sleepy. Much to my agony, I found out one of my favorite fanfic writers is back to get another review and I really just want to pause time, read it, and then go to bed--- but now it's way past 2 in the morning and my cats are even acting up and playing wildly.
I've decided, on that topic, that I'm going to jot down some drabbles based on my kitty world and involving all the cats from history to current and no more, no less. Everyone's got to love cats, right?
....sadly, they don't.
But, as a note to my future self, staying up to read and review fanfiction isn't bad. Just make better decisions via priority-wise than what you have been. You can read that fanfic some other time and review it and play Obama games on Inkagames tomorrow. Rest, little friend. And I shall now.
I don't speak French or type it, but the little words I know aren't even close to being typed out. But they mean "farewell". And farewell for now it is. ^w^
Friday, February 20th, 2015. I went to school, not even feeling the slightest bit comfortable, and ended up returning home with my Meme (who volunteers at the school's elementary library) and I didn't know it then... but I was in for tragedy.
Ever since I can remember, we've been an animal-loving family, thanks to my Meme. Her parents, my Pa and Nannie, didn't necessarily care for animals, but were farm-raised people in our tiny town that lay right dead-center of the country in the Bible Belt of USA. My Nannie had a dog, decades earlier, whom she loved with all of her heart, but she lost him. And though she told me at one point that she doesn't hate animals, she just doesn't want me getting too cozy with them. I was the replica of my Meme and cared for cats even when I was small and knew nothing else. I was raised as an animal caregiver and watched probably a hundred cat births and deaths among not only my cats, but my dogs as well. I had a pup named Delilah who had Parvo and I never got to say goodbye. I watched numerous kittens be killed by fleas and had them die in either my small child hands or wake up to find Meme crying over the loss she'd had in her own hands. Cats were my friends and children, and no matter how crazy I may seem... I consider myself a cat lady. Because I know them like the backs of my hands and I love them with all of my being.
One cat, in particular, was a small, tabby cat whom was raised up in the bowels of a freezer, where there sat a hole for the cord and inner workings. It was warm, ironically, for a freezer's underneath, but a cat - perfectly named Bob Kitty for her bobtail - had a single baby. That single baby could fit in my hand. She was scared and didn't know what I was. And thanks to all my knowledge and upbringing with cats and their care and critical cases, this precious being wasn't harmed, but merely frightened. Her mother, a bobcat mix that roamed down to our home, was the ugliest cat I'd laid eyes upon, but I still found her beautiful in every way. She growled instead of purred, but when you held her, it felt the same. She was cute, and looked like her face had been smashed into a wall. And she raised the kitten until she couldn't anymore. And the baby was old enough to move around on its own and eat kitty chow.
The first hour was spent watching this tiny tabby sit in a plate of kitten food and warm milk. I giggled nonstop at how indescribably cute this kitten was. She wouldn't sit outside of the plate and fit just so well in the plate - she was just that small. And the one noticeable feature that she held was her large, bright chartreuse eyes that seemed to glow every time you'd see them. I took many pictures of that precious baby and kept taking pictures as she grew.
And it just wasn't her that was found in that month. We had several outdoor cats and never got them fixed because time wasn't ever on our side. The males were wild usually anyways, and we had two wild females whom we couldn't catch even if we tried. Plus, Bellary, an old, favorable cat of mine kept popping out babies at every turn. Thanks to her I found my lovely babies every year, as most times her litters were messed up and died.
Back to the baby however. I always made sure I got the say on what to name every kitten I got to see. Selfish me, I know. I was a child and knew no better. And we had probably a hundred or more cats in my childhood. And this kitten was merely found only two years prior to now. So, I still kinda, you know... had my say in the name of her. And I had her in my room, and just kept saying random names I liked until she turned her head to me and perked up. It was such a magical moment. She was precious like any gem should be, and she stayed by me. She easily potty trained herself within a day, ate properly, and cuddled with me. I fell in love with that darling kitten and she did with me. She was yet another kitten of favor and I loved her more than words, as that usually happens with every cat I bond with. The cat's name - back to that - was decided to be Luna. But her nickname that stayed with her was Piranha because whenever she was given food or human food for that matter, she would snatch it up or nearly bite you to get it. She never grew out of that and I kept calling her that cheeky name from then on.
Skip ahead some time. Luna grew, gradually. She had a new playmate, Moose, whom was my Meme's baby's kitten whom survived as a loner, much like his new friend. He was yellow and white, cute as a button, and timid, much like his mother. In our home we originally had my newest cat, Betsy, and she wasn't kitten savvy, but she loved Rainn and Thunder, whom were actually Luna's older siblings, and she loved Luna, and she grew to love Moose easily.
At one point, my great grandparent became ill again, hospital bound, and Rain and Thunder were thrown out. This was before Luna. Rainn survived, injured, and Thunder never returned.
In the end, I loved this cat dearly and I raised her for two years, watching her give birth (and she cried so much) and I helped as best I could. She loved her kittens and the orphan kittens so much - as much as any mother loves her babies. And she lost some. And as her babies grew, she grew, too. She was always my baby and had the weirdest meow - mew mew. I can't describe it properly, but it was so cute and I'd respond how she meowed to me. Because she always answers, and we always conversed, and she cuddled and played.
Her nephew, Rainn's baby, one of three whom weren't disfigured. Her babies still had problems and had mental issues that threw them off-balance and one had a bone forming outside of the skin - this baby was also blind and was dying anyways, so I watched as it was put to sleep. The final two worse off-balance and looked just alike, but one was female and the other was male and they were the cutest yet ugliest babies thanks to their weird look. Reese and Soa (So-uh). Soa was so attached to her brother that was put to sleep and she grew up reserved and still is to this day. Reese was loving and clumsy, much like his mother, and loved attention and playing.
When I found Rainn dead, I swore I care for her babies. I'd care for all of the babies that came of our cats - over ten. They went outside and I tried to care for them all.
But, sadly, as a final conclusion to information that isn't cared for... I came home on February 20th, 2015, to find Reese killed on our carport. I cried and fell to the ground. You see, somehow our family brought in a stray male and my dad (who lives across the street from us, in the country, remember) and he used the suckiest excuse for not fixing him. They already had two females, both mutts, one a pitbull mix. Of course this ended with fourteen puppies, ten pitbull mutts, and they are nearly six months old now, I think. They can never be kept held up, and appear to be able to break free of anything and refuse to train. So, all in all, they killed Reese. And with that, my Meme was screaming and my dad ran across the street to figure out what happened. They, along with a crying me, searched the area and I saw the pups run to the old well-house, so I took off running just in case.
Never in my life have I ever prepared to get my heart broken so many times by loosing my babies. If anyone says it's crazy to feel so attached to animals, they are the crazy ones. I usually spend days with little sleep, end up bottle feeding babies if they're too small, and spend hours teaching them and raising them. That's what parents do - humans, animals, and so on. These cats were my babies, just not flesh and blood. And to walk up on your dead child, eyes open with faded pain, body mutilated, and your heart ripping apart with such force... it hurts. I screamed. I screamed and cried and ran. I don't remember much, but I remember ending up in the floor of our hallway, sobbing because it was my fault she was dead. The night before, I put her outside, as usual, and actually at my Meme's request (but no matter how much she blames herself, it just... happened). Luna's body had hardened, so they killed her through the night. I killed her and screamed about it and cried over it. And though it's done and over, that wasn't even the end of the dogs. For it's been merely three days, we had four cats missing, one a tiny baby, and ten pups running wild even after we cage them up or my dad chains them up... they always wind up loose.
Yesterday I saved two cats, by chance. I was inside and barely heard the barking and fighting of dogs. They were in my dad's shed, trying to kill their giant cat, Jett. I saved him... but barely. And then later that morning, they went after our seven y/o cat Daisy and she is injured as of now. I washed her in a warm bath and though it began sleeting and snowing... I stood outside and wanted to murder those dogs. My heart was broken not once, but twice. And now I only have one missing cat, whom was one we struggled to keep safe and stable as a baby. Daffodil, or as my Meme calls her: Pooper Scooper.
The pain felt resonates all throughout me. I don't cry, because I'm just one of those people who... almost can't cry. And I've cried. I've cried at sad movies. I've cried over thoughts. I've cried because another baby of mine was ripped from me and I will never hear her funny mewing ever again. I won't pet her fluffy tabby fur. I won't get to cuddle her or yell "Yoona bee-bee" which was her goofy-ass Korean nickname I gave her. I will never get to tell her how much I love her ever again, and my promise I made a week prior of bringing her back in as my baby, to this newer house, won't be accomplished. For she and her nephew are now buried at the edge of our yard, which holds cacti and bales of hay for decoration. It holds fake deer for decoration. And it's a ledge, as our front yard it a bit higher than our field (weird country logic) and is lined with stone. For now, I have lost a baby and I have lost a loving baby boy cat that I'll never get to coo to and squeal "Reesey cup!"
I hate to think this is it. I have lost two babies, I can't find another, and these dogs have hurt many other cats. The mothers of both sets of dogs have been gone for weeks, presumably dead. And they're left with the devilish father.
All in all, I miss my Luna terribly. I miss her and will always. For these types of deaths I mourn so much because I raise these like my own children and then have to suffer and know they were brutally murdered.
I am so sorry, my dear babies.
I would've rather me suffer what horrible pain both of you felt than to have that ever happen to you. "That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." - TFIOS, John Green To my internal pain, it hurts like hell and it vibrates when I move or speak, and the inner struggle makes me tired. For I am at a loss for words and mishaps. I shutter over memories because they cause me to break down. And that sucks. Even for this being animals, the pain still hurts just as bad as loosing my Papa, my Pa, my Nannie, and anyone else I loved dearly. You never understand how strong a connection is until it's broken... that's when the pain starts. And the moment you realize you'll never get another moment with those brilliant eyes ever again... that the moment that can kill you in an instant.
What a wonderful daaaay to be alive. Bullshit.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have some problems. JDM, which causes me to have little to no immune system. And then I have depression, which only my close friends know about. And anxiety, which everyone is aware of. And now? Bipolar II disorder. No one can fucking understand. No one here and do you know how many friends I've lost outside of my close circle? A fucking lot! Because people suck and high school is shitty and teachers are so two-faced they're ugly. And me... I have a friend who is my little rock and the other is the raging voice I don't have. And between the two, I ensue in stress and hatred and they express all the shit I hide away.
And two weeks ago? For the first time in ages I tried to fucking kill myself. And it's affected me ever since. No good meds, no good treatment, just shit and shitty people. People here suck. I understand that suicide isn't the answer, but everyone who has tried- everyone who knows the awful feeling you get that numbs you to the core and it kills you... death is the option. Death is the answer. And this fucked up world has no answers - this fucked up world is killing me slowly.
And here's what I posted on my new site's journal, for good measure of how my day is going:
"Of course, my Meme and myself are destined to be denied of actions or words at any given moment. I’m a panic case – a risk no teacher wants. And as soon as I start uttering out warnings of dangerous germs or things because I’m immuno-suppressant and need to know every virus in the school… they judge me. The looks are nasty and the remarks are crude and I have more than a simple immune disease and no one will consider that for a moment. And you know how that feels? Terrible. And today… today is one of those not so good days that I’m left being called a “rumor spreader” and being judged.
I have a cold. And when you have a small immune system, you really can’t fight it off so what happens? You’re left tired. You’re left weak. And I’m at school. Not to boast but if you are weak and sick with a little immune system YOU CAN’T SURVIVE BEING AWAKE ALL DAY AND I’M HERE. And since people know more about other kids at my school with diseases like diabetes or whatever, they think they’re so bad. And I hate hating on others… but… no one ever seems to voice consideration for my position unless they’re my closest friends.
Thanks to all these kinds of things… it causes my anxiety to flare. I have pills, but not with me currently. And my bipolar stuff leads me more to my depression state and anyone suffering from depression knows just how irritating that feels… it’s horrible! And yet… yet these people give me looks and tell me to stop spreading rumors. And it sucks. And I never pity myself but today? Today I’d rather be anyone or anyone else than myself. And that’s sad."
I just want to scream "FUCK YOU" to every person who is irritating me and denying me and pushing me down even if they don't realize it. If you say shit that affects me, I may be dying inside. And... these fucking people irritate me so bad. I can't wait to leave - be it this town, this state, this country, this world.
Only my true friends know me and know my life. They know my love for them. Everyone else... FUCK OFFFF.
Woo-hoo! Bible Belt, America. Where all those wacky religious freaks are. And I'm in a Southern state, grew up a Christian, and am an open-minded Earth child who should've been born in Hippie ages.
I took the Belief-O-Matic test and here's my top scores (I took this last year, and I got something totally different!) So... here we go.
>> Top score: Unitarian Universalist. || What is that? Weird name. 100% score for Zoe. So... what is it? Answer is simple and explains a lot about me. > They believe that each person is free to search for his or her own personal truth on issues, such as the existence, nature, and meaning of life, deities, creation, and afterlife. UUs can come from any religious background, and hold beliefs and adhere to morals from a variety of cultures or religion. > Holy- wow. Right? Back then (last year) I didn't see this on the list, but I was very open minded. Later on, I became more and more open to the world, as to myself also. And now I'm seeing this finally. Kinda mad that I'm only getting to this now. Bleh. But it's awesome, huh?
>> Second, 81%, Liberal Quakerism and Taoism. > LQ; Diverse beliefs, from belief in a personal God as an incorporeal spirit to questioning belief in a personal God. Most believe we are all sons and daughters of God. the Light within is accessible to us all. Believe God created the world, but also trust scientists. Few liberal Quakers believe in direct reward and punishment, heaven and hell, or second coming of Christ. Primary focus is nondogmatic: God is love, love is eternal, and our actions in life should reflect love for all of humanity. > Taoism; is a philosophical, ethical, political and religious tradition of Chinese origin that emphasizes living in harmony with the Tao (Dao). http://personaltao.com/teachings/taoism/taoism-101/
>> Third, 80%, Mahayana Buddhism > Includes diverse beliefs; the main Mahayana sects include Pure Land, Zen, and Vajrayana (or Tantric) Buddhism. Believe many countless Buddhas have been on Earth. Like the Theravada, they posit no Creator or ruler God. However, deity belief is present in the Mahayana doctrine of The Three Bodies (forms) of Buddha: Body of Essense, Body of Bliss or Enjoyment, Body of Transformation or Emanation. First is the indescribably, impersonal Absolute Reality or Ultimate Truth that is Nirvana. Second is Buddha as divine, deity, formless, celestial spirit with saving power of grace, omnipotence, omniscience. Third is an illusion or emanation in human form provided by the divine Buddha to guide humans to Enlightenment. They believe in the illusion to ultimate reality. Life after death isn't immediate; negative mental states persist through continual rebirth until one's intentions become wholesom. Once fully enlightened, one is liberated from rebirths, reaching a state of absolut selflessness resulting in ultimate bliss called Nirvana. One becomes Buddha. (Beautiful, huh?) >> Fourth, 79%, Theravada Buddhism
> Doctrine of the Elders; is the school of Buddhism that draws its scriptural inspiration from the Tipitaka, or Pali canon, which scholars generally agree contains the earliest surviving of Buddha's teachings. Believe Four Noble Truths - Buddha's teachings. Dukkha: suffering, unsatisfactoriness, discontent, stress; the cause of dukkha: the cause of this dissatisfaction is craving (tanha) for sensuality, for states of becoming, and states of no becoming. Read more here. >> Five, 71% Neo-Paganism
> Community of faiths bringing ancient Pagan and magickal traditions to the modern age - including mostly Wicca but also Druidism, Asatru, Shamaism, neo-Native American, and more. Neo-Pagan is an umbrella term for various and diverse beliefs with many elements in common. Some Neo-Pagans find no incongruence practicing Neo-Paganism along with adherence to another faith, such as Christianity or Judaism. Some believe in a Supreme being, many believe in a God and Goddess. Many believe in countless spiritual beings. No human incarnations are worshipped. After death, they believe in reincarnation after some rest and recovery in the Otherworld. Evil is imbalance.
Other rankings? 22% Seventh-day Aventists, 19% Baha'i Faith, 34% Roman Catholic, 38% Church of Christ, Scientist, 37% Conservative Christian Protestant, 34% Eastern Orthodox Christianity, 67% Hindu, 19% Islam, 34% Jainism, 58% Liberal Christian Protestantism, 43% Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, 57% New Age, 49% New Thought, 40% Atheism, 51% Orthodoz Judaism, 30% Orthodox Quakerism, 70% Reformed Judaism, 42% Scientology, 58% Secular Humanism, 62% Sikhism, 34% Jehova's Witnesses.
Sites;
belief-o-matic.com
google's instant search results
religions' official websites
I hate to be that girl; the girl that goes on to say she never saw herself doing said thing but ends up doing it and blah blah. And I am that girl. I'm the girl that never saw herself so upset and anxiety-filled. I remember awaiting high school with my best friend, Lezlie, and thinking how awesome we'd be. We planned being singers. I wanted to grow up to be my idols. And yet... I wound up where I am today. And I'm not totally upset with where I am - I'm in no way mad about who I am. I love myself. But here's the twist: I have severe depression, anxiety, and I have symptoms of bipolar disorder. My mom has that. And both my sisters don't have it. And lucky, lucky me wound up with it. Along with my autoimmune disease bound with other little diseases or illnesses, I was struck with mental illness, too. And trust me... to this day I've never felt so crazy in my life.
Depression is shamed. People think people fake it. People call others "emo" and I'm tired of it. I've become so open with my illnesses just to get it into people's minds that... this is real. My Meme finally understood (even though she claimed to have depression, too.) that I was doing worse than ever and every time I'd cry out, "I'm crazy!" she'd deny it. Like any mother would. And I love that, I honestly do, but it's not her I'm trying to tell this to... it's me. The other problem that's outside the box of common knowledge... bipolar disorder. My father always called my mother crazy and when I asked my Meme about it, she tried her best to explain. And all those stories my family told me of her crazy days... all those cries for help... and I realize now, at 17, I'm more like her than anything. MANIC DEPRESSIVE DISORDER save me. When I first decided to tell my doctor about the harm and depressive states, my Meme was almost highly against the fact I could have bipolar disorder. She was like that... almost even to this day. And it sucks. I did research, and self-evaluated myself; even in unstable moods, I knew something was different than the normal depressive states. When I was a child, I got so mad once that I stabbed a pen through a clipboard (a wooden one) and in to my leg. I had the scar for a long time but eventually outgrew the thing. My anger back then was raging mad and it went on and off. Typical child behavior, sure. As a preteen, hormones come in yet I was "emo" and already writing my suicide notes and crying about hating my life. Bipolar isn't just being irritable or depressed. The disorder is different in everyone and I don't know my mother's case personally (although I'd really like to) but I do know that I feel her pain and depression she's had. I know how hard life could and must be at points. I understand. The mood changes can be from friendly, super hyper, outgoing, overly happy, or really giggly (me) to extremely irritable, depressed, suicidal, etc. Behavior can be talking fast (have my entire life), being distracted like some ADD kid, racing thoughts. I've always been like that, too. Some take on new projects or ideas and go back and forth, determined they'll do it... in the end they don't and make excuses, or they do finish it, to my amazement. One can be overly restless (and it sucks) or have hypersomnia (sleeping too much) and go back and forth during each mood episode. Some even have the idea of having "magical" abilities or hyper abilities like psychic ones or something. I used to think I was controlling the wind and a psychic. I don't now, obviously, but I still have weird moments that I have deja vu moments or dream up something then see it realistically some time later. Impulses, do you have them? I don't mean anything sexually, though bipolar patients can have either excess labido or none at all. I'm the latter. That leads to sexuality and romantic impulses, and that's too off topic right now. BUT! The impulses could be money, gambling, jumping off of a cliff, suicidal ordeals, deals, high risk behaviors in general. The depressive states can be risky and awful though. That feeling... the one that usually leads to suicide, has haunted me before. One Monday, after drama over a speech competition and some girls on my team being awful towards me, I took all my muscle relaxers, hoping to die. That morning I sobbed because my Meme and I fought over not going to school. That morning I sat on my bed and cried until she left, then cried because she didn't say goodbye... she was mad at me, so I understood. But that morning was a built up feeling. I felt almost numb, and so tired and sleepy, my body was feeling like dead weight - I just wanted to sleep. But I was also in pain, a symptom of my other disease. Yet I hadn't had symptoms in months. And it scared me, but I had taken a muscle relaxer as soon as I got up to the pain, and then finished the four others. 5 pills. 50 mg. A little over the normal max dose. Yet, of course since I have a high tolerance, I didn't die. I was drugged all day and didn't care. But I wrote a note before, feeling the relaxers taking me under their heavy wing. And my note was short... I just promised no one forget me. I assumed I wouldn't die, but it was a ritual. I will never know if my resistance will stay together long enough or if one day it'll break and I'll lose myself. But less than a week later, a girl in my town (an attention whore, sadly) did the same thing and remains in ICU. The immediate feelings of "they'd say the same over me" and so much more and it hurt me. The girl, I felt slight pain over her (and hate me for it) but she cuts her wrists and posts it on Facebook, tagging people. She did this for show. And that's what gives people with actual problems a bad rep. And I found it so coincidental to hear of something I tried to do the Monday before. Just... wow. But these things, I don't encourage. I don't encourage myself, but in the moment, your mind goes into such a mood and you're not yourself. You're not sane enough to make proper decisions. And as a psych lover and wanting to major in it... I always feel so crazy because I feel different compared to another time. Day to day I'm different. And to try and explain that one day I can be fine or overly giggly to super depressive and wanting to die. It's surreal and your mind is never level unless a brief moment appears and you see the light. Otherwise... you're deemed to feel crazy. And taking more meds will make me hazy and I don't like that. The ones now are limiting me and I can't stand it. So... stand with this stuff or try to live through the fog? Ugh, it's frustrating!
So, on more controversial and mind-bending notes, I'm heading to Belief-O-Matic (which I recommend) to mess around. I'll show you my results for some cool things regarding personal things.
>> I understand my zodiac sign; cancer crab. >> Which Harry Potter character are you? Luna Lovegood. Hermione Granger. [ You're clever, ambitious, and have enough brains to be in Ravenclaw: You're Hermione Granger, Harry's super-smart sidekick. Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/Harry-Potter-Quiz.aspx#z47JL52u2RWZcgOh.99] >> I'll post my religious finding after this. ^^
Name: Zoe Patterson
Known as: Cat Lady - jk! KissDromeda, KissDromedaGirl, Juliane (rp), Hyunchul 현철(rp), Sohee/소희.
Age: Nearly two decades old!
Lives at: Tumblr, AFF, blogspot, Twitter, and currently Evexia.
Country: USA
Favorite Colors: Pastels, Lilac, lavender, any shade of purple basically, white, silver, black, any shade of gray (however, Christian Grey isn't one), clear, any shade of blue, teal, coral, salmon.
Language: English (native), Korean (good enough), Spanish (good enough), intros in Italian, Japanese, Greek, and tagalog.
Hobbies: Writing (ofc), browsing the web, taking care of my cats, drawing, thinking up ideas, playing either Sims or Star Wars, reading, reviewing, dancing, singing, composing.
Favorite Quote: "If you believe in yourself, you're unstoppable."
Likes:
♥ Cats [this is a cat basecode so ofc this is here]
♥ Anything artistic
♥ Korean stuff, and many more cultures, too. I wanted to be an Egyptologist.
♥ Rapping and dancing; composing or choreographing
♥ Tumblr, Twitter, ifunny, etc.
Dislikes:
✖ Haters and fakers
✖ anxiety and depression [suffering from both]
✖ dealing with a lot of stress
Exchange Links
The current linked as "Zahra, Tsabbita, and DianeeyA' are the basecoders for this blog, so they get the creds! The rest are ones I like, my friends, and so on.
Random things since this is already here from the basecode. Check it out, and if it's empty, head on over to my Tumblr tags and browse around. eue Scroll down to the Others section!
I found myself in Wonderland, got back on my feet again - Alice by Avril Lavigne
