This blog is to keep track of my writing (from Oct. '14 onward), saving tips and tricks I find, little rants or raves, and so on. If you don't like it, kindly leave. I am a fangirl and reviewer, so do tend to post on that note as well.
Over the course of my JDM life (roughly eight years now) I've been on a cocktail of meds. From high doses to low doses; mild risks to extreme risks; I've been prescribed an abundance of medications for various reasons and I have either took notice or haven't. I digress on this: some pills leave more... impressionable marks than others.
As I was beginning my pre-teen and then teen years with JDM, I don't have the perspective of what it's like to grow up with JDM as a child, or how meds affected me then. I do have the perspective of the "kid with the red face," however, and that's not a fun thing to be stuck with. But most pale face gingers know that to ring true.
So, where am I going with this, huh?
I have been on steroids since day one of my treatments. Solumedrol, prednisone, prednisolone, something-else-one-or-something-or-other; mainly solumedrol and prednisone have played a rather important role in my JDM life. Not only do steroids make you gain weight, you can lose it, too. Coming from a family with a wide array of body types, I had been more prone to chubbiness, and although throughout my JDM years I've suffered on both ends of the weight spectrum... I still feel ashamed when the 'roids pack on pounds for me. I'm a typical girl who tries to love her body regardless, but still wants to work to maintain a body she appreciates. I'm not going to sugarcoat that any more than it may seem. I do genuinely love my body, because it's mine, and it is what I basically live in, you know? But I have often felt the societal pressures of wanting to lose weight -- that's a whole big long topic of how young Zoe nearly had a full-blown eating disorder thanks to school, society, the meds, and her ego.
For the most part, as I'm nineteen now, and I've been on the bigger side of my weight for nearly three years now, I struggle at times to love myself the way I am. I do sit idle a lot, but even if it seems that's all I do in life -- exist and eat and sleep or whatever -- that's not the full story. I am active. Just as active as I was sitting in high school for eight hours and walking from class to class, if not more active. And yet, you gotta know that it stings a little how the meds just pack on weight from all you take in despite profusely trying to strengthen the muscles and work the fat away. I feel like a lump of clay, being molding by JDM sometimes; it's not a bad thing, but it's not my ideal situation at hand. I'd love to lose weight, and I try my best to start doing more intense things to work out, like a normal person would...
Then JDM smacks me in the face, says, "bitch, not today or ever" and casually progresses to throw new things into my life. On top of my failing self-love at the moment, I now have issues regarding acid reflux and my esophagus. Weeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm joyous on so many levels (can you tell that is sarcasm-?)
I have ranged in the 170s to 180s in weight. Which sucks like no other because the main fat on my body - thanks genes - lies in my boobs and my abdomen. I have no butt, thanks Nannie, and I have okay legs than have been weird since forever. My arms are fat, yes, and aside from that, my tummy, and my boobs... I mean, I have my torso and it is fat. There we go. Honest Zoe. My torso is fat and squishy and although I try to keep my mantra of, "I wouldn't call my children or cats or anyone fat and disregard their pain or comments or talk trash to them, so why should I to myself and not love me?"
...sigh. I still struggle. Anyone would, right?
And you know what really grinds my gears with the steroids? They make me hungry all the time and even if I ate crackers -- which I did mostly throughout my final years of high school -- I still gain a shit ton of weight and nothing gets it off. I sweat, I do yoga, I am up most of the day doing some something to get myself going, and I always try to do dance breaks. Extreme KPOP dance breaks and anyone who knows KPOP knows that KPOP dances are legit tough, but legit fun, amirite? No?
I was doing so well. I was loving myself, losing a bit of weight, and then I was kicked off insurance and the whole shabang went down and 60mgs of 'roids a day is a lot and is expected to push my weird body into food-wanting-overdrive, and I do resist a lot of the time, but... but... It is two in the morning and I've been hungry since four in the afternoon yesterday. The. Struggle. Is. Real. My. Friends. It's real and a bitch and I don't like it.
And with the acid reflux taking a turn for the worst and I've literally choked too much from the simplest foods... will I starve and lose weight that way? I mean this as no joke and not harshly, but it's just--- my body is weird. JDM is weird. Actually, it's the meds and the issues I get because of JDM that is weird. My JDM right now is okay... I hope. I haven't had routine blood tests to see in months now. Joy to the world, this isn't the state of "OK" I wanted to find myself in after high school.
Until next time and another rant,
let's hope I can avoid binging and sleep this away.
p.s. Carmilla and SNSD videos for three hours and then reading Harry Potter fanfiction isn't the best solution, but it helps ease my mental agony of wanting to eat when I shouldn't be. That's all. ^__^
I am back to report with more tag/quiz/answer things!
Why? Because me being myself, and stalling with ideas and no Sims working (I'll have a post on that soon enough), I have reverted to keeping my blood pressure under check by easily answering questions. Except, I answered most of these days ago... oh well.
1.
Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
= So, backstory time! My Nannie was an avid smoker, had COPD, many health issues, and had to quit cold turkey at one point or she'd die. She succeeded in quitting and lived for years afterwards. My dad has smoked, my stepmom, my mother; a lot of people have, and I don't, and won't, but I have no judgement. Long story short: I can go forever without smoking a cigarette.
2. Are
you single/taken/heartbroken/confused? = Single.
But this pond I'm in is a bit small to even try...
3.
What if I told you that you were pretty? = I'd
reply with thanks, telling you the same.
4.
Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”? = ...I
basically said that to my first official boyfriend... through text
message, too. Heh... yeah. 12 y/o me was very much in it for the feels, huh?
5. Are
you interested in anyone right now? = Oh, of
course. From a far. Way a far.
6.
What are you looking forward to in the next week? = Youth
Group is tonight and... I'm excited. Never really have been, so I'm
curious why my brain is like, “YESSS YOUTH GROUP!” Other than
that... I have no official plans. I wound up not going because we felt icky, so we stayed home. Now I am waiting for the Fall Festival nearby and hoping my blood pressure doesn't give me issues.
7. Do
you want to be single? = I am
single, but I don't want to be. Weeeeelllll... then again, I do but I don't, but I do because people, but I don't because companionship.
8. Did
you go out or stay in last night? = Babysat
my two lil bros.
9. How
late did you stay up last night? = I
promised my bros I'd stay up late with them, but I fell asleep as
soon as my dad left for work. Then woke up at 3 AM, and stayed up...
10.
Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot? = I had
one official boyfriend in
all my nineteen years. Personal issues (health) caused me to not
really get to experience teenage dating – I'm sorta thankful for
that, honestly – and now I'm ready to date. But I live in a tiny
town and a small area in general. I haven't gotten to like someone a
lot, really.
11.
Last three things you had to drink? = Water,
coffee, and pickle juice. Don't judge me.
12.Have
you pretended to like someone? = On a
roleplay. Hahaha. Otherwise... no.
13.
Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant
it? = Yes.
Family.
14.
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3
months? = My
Meme. And my cats. No one else.
15. Is
it hard for you to get over someone? = If I
care a lot, yes. If I don't, probably not. Even with people who were close to me... if we have serious issues, bye bitch.
16.
Think back five months ago, were you single? = I
have been single since I was twelve.
17.
What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? = It is
11.15 AM. I was... cleaning? I don't know.
18.
Hold hands with anyone this week? = Myself. And my cats.
19.
Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? =
Probably. Because what I like is pina coladas, and I can drink those
virgin.
20.
What would you name your future daughter? = Alexa
was my dream name, but I dislike children.
21. Do
you miss anyone? = Badly,
badly.
22.
Have you kissed three or more people in one night? =
Hahahahah-- no. First off, germs. Second, house rat right here.
23.
Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? = I
honestly do not remember. But I kiss my cats, does that count?
24.
Are you good at hiding your feelings? = Oh,
yes. Even when people say I'm not, I am.
25.
Have you ever cried from being so mad? = It is
the only time I cry; I hate it so much.
26.
Who did you last see in person? = Well...
my dad is asleep in the chair over there, so... My Meme is in her chair over there, so...
27.
Are you listening to music right now? = No. But
I'm listening to a Neil deGrasse Tyson documentary.
28.
What is something you currently want right now? = To go
pee.
29.
What is the last thing you said out loud? = “Isn't it cool?" in reference to the dead Tarantula Hawk that is in a jar on my piano.
30.
How is your heart lately? =
Confused, broken, sad, pieced together, stressed.
31. Do
you wear the hood on your hoodie? = Mhmm.
32.
Are you wearing socks? = I never
wear socks unless I need them for sneakers.
33.
What do people call you? =
34.
Will you talk to the person you like tonight? = I like myself, and I talk to myself a lot, so I'm guessing the chances are pretty high.
35.
Are there any stressful situations in your life? = so
many. So, so, so many.
36.
Who did you last share a bed with? = Jimmy,
the family chihuahua.
37.
Did you do something bad today? = I dropped the f-bomb a little too much.
38.
When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? = I
hugged my bro last night basically... while sitting on him and
holding him down.
39. Do
you get stressed out easily? = Depends
on me. Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no.
40.
Will you sing today? = I sing
everyday.
41.
Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? = ALL THE
TIME.
42.
Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? = Meme,
Kristin, Chloe, my cats.
43.
Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? = not
yet.
44.
What are you listening to right now? = Neil
deGrasse Tyson's voice.
45.
What is wrong with you right now? = I need
to pee really bad.
46.
What is on your wrists right now? = my
skin.
47.
Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? = PJ
set... dunno.
48.
What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? = hot
chocolate
49. Do
you make wishes at 11:11? = Used
to.
50.
Are you a good artist? = I'm
alright. My neuropathy makes my hands very unsteady so I fuck up a
lot...
51.
Love really is a beautiful thing huh? = It's
also crazy as hell.Think about it though... love is chemicals. An obsessions, basically, at first. Mixtures of chemicals and growing used to the person and needing them and bonding. If you'd minus one of your chemicals in the formula of love... you'd be scre---
52. Do
you miss the way things were six months ago? = I was
much more emotionally stable, so probably.
53.
Ever been on a golf cart? = Yes,
and jumped off of one while it moved, like an idiot.
54. Do
you have trust issues? =
Sometimes. It all depends on who we're referring to. Do I trust myself to finish things? Never, but let's break that tonight.
55.
Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who? = YES.
Chloe Kat & Kira.
56. Do
you own something from Hot Topic? = I used
to own a shit ton, like the emo phasing 12 y/o I was. Now, I miss
it, and I own only a couple things, I think. HP fandom stuff, old Avril Lavigne gloves, and other fandom things.
57. Do
you use chap stick? = Lots.
Current fave is from an Etsy shop called Cedar Creek.
58.
Have you ever slapped someone in the face? = Not
yet. But that's what the beautifully crafted mind is for... for dreaming of revenge and murder. Or slapping faces.
59. Do
you have a little sister? = She
dead. Literally.
60.
Have you ever been to New York? = YES! I
miss it... It was lovely.
61.
Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they
meant it? = My
father – I sure hope so.
62.
Have you hugged someone within the last week? = Not a human.
63.
What were you doing at midnight last night? =
Sleeping. Dreaming. Trying to get my heart rate under control at one point.
64.
Have you ever regretted kissing someone? = I have
kissed one person. Regret? No.
65. Is
there one person in your life that can always make you smile? = There
are a lot, actually. But, yes.
66.
Were your last three kisses from the same person? = I have
kissed one person on the mouth and it was the same kid.
67.
Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? = I am
single. Bye.
68.
Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? = Alone,
with my kitten. Or multiple cats.
69.
Will next Friday be a good one? = I am
not a psychic nor an optimist. There is a possibility it will be,
but who knows?
So, since life has been interesting and with writing (and lots of thinking and personal stuff going on), I happened to think last night: "What would learn about me first if we just met? What do my friends/family collectively say about me/introduce me as? What would it take time for people to learn about me?
Basically, my mind was stuck on those ideas until I fell asleep. I'm going to write it hear -- to document it, y'know -- and look back one day and go, "Wow. I was more normal back then." Or, hopefully, not as weird. But... doubt.
5 Things You'd Learn About Me After First Meeting Me:
1. My name is Zoe. Usually spelt with two dots over the 'e'.
2. I have this disease called JDM (and I'll probably explain it) and it is a GIANT part of my life.
3. I am constantly looking into others' eyes; to listen, when I'm talking, etc. It's just something I do to let others know I'm paying attention or that I'm focused on them. Unless I'm nervous.
4. I'm an open book. Seriously. Ask anything, Zoe will answer. Woooot~
5. I'm a cat fanatic. Byeee.
5 Things People Would Tell You About Me:
1. I'm friendly and like socializing - most times, anyways.
2. I have JDM.
3. I speak Korean and am a big Korean friend. I have been around to see people (friends) say this to strangers and I'm just like, "Why must this be my identifier?"
4. I'm smart, and sometimes too smart for my own good. This also leads to me being a smart-ass and sarcastic.
5. I have 50 cats and will never have children. I'm the literal crazy cat lady you hear of.
5 Things You May Learn About Me:
1. My grandmother (Meme) is basically my mother. She and my Papa raised me. He is now dead. So, there you have it.
2. I love dance too much. I have danced since I could stand and never stopped, even when my mobility was shitty (thanks to JDM).
3. I am Native American. Chickasaw. Boombayah, babes. B|
4. I am a history nerd and am fascinated by anything historical or ancient; I want to be a part of historical societies, too. I'm just not too interested in some history things that happens to be focal topics in high schools for numerous years.
5. I AM A HARRY POTTER FANGIRL FIGhT MEeE; Ravenclaw, Thunderbird, ebony wand with a unicorn hair (I think), cat as a pet (preferably Talon, my black baby), and I'd be able to see Thestrals. I was born a year after the Wizarding War that killed Voldemort. I'd also be attending Ilvermorny.
5 Things You May Not Know About Me:
1. I have anxiety and depression; anxiety is terrible; had teachers and "friends" tell me I was faking it and using it as an excuse. Thanks, everyone.
2. I read Tarot cards (gotten better, ya haters). And I predicted the date my Nannie would die and left them alone for months afterwards.
3. I have a reputation at OU Children's Hospital; most know me as Dr. Sestak's kid, and with that they know I'm the girl with such a high pain tolerance that I didn't realize my shoulder was broken for over a week. Heh...
4. I am terrified of heights. I love the views, but my subconscious says, Hell no.
5. I wanted to do ballet, gymnastics, cheer, dance, acting, fashion design, singing, rapping, adventurer, director, and many more things as a child. I still do. I dream of being everything. 5 Things People Assume About Me:
1. That I'm nervous. Because I shake. Or twitch. I have neuropathy, so I shake and my limbs go to sleep or malfunction and twitch. It makes me nervous that my nerves act up.
2. That I'm forever a crazy cat lady. Though I am, I'm not crazy and I only want like... 5 cats.
3. That I speak fluent Korean. No, guys, I didn't magically suck up all the knowledge of the language, otherwise I'd have learned Spanish by now or Italian or Greek or Tagalog.
4. That I'm too lazy and very spoiled. For one, I am lazy, but will do things that need done. Two, I am strict with money, strict with bills, strict with a lot of things, so don't assume because I bought a bunch of sweets or extra cat items that I am spoiling myself. Or that I do that 24/7.
5. That I'm not "sick" and I use it as an excuse. Even when I was uber red, splotchy, had contractures, was walking on my tip-toes, I still had people say I wasn't sick. No, I just dyed my skin, decided bending my limbs all the time was cool, and that nearly falling over a lot was hip.
5 Flaws I Have:
1. I curse way too damn much. And I'm not sorry for it.
2. I get louder and louder if angry, if someone isn't listening, or if I'm in such a chatty mood. I think I picked it up from my friend... damn you, Ambam.
3. I can ignore texts for days. Sorry.
4. I am a know-it-all and psychoanalyze things without realizing it. I'll fact check someone or contradict them or anything of that sort, get a look, and then realize I messed up with my brain... again.
5. I procrastinate. Way too much. Waaaay too much.
5 Things I Obsess Over:
1. Coffee.
2. My cats. They are my children, sue me.
3. Any music I find and love.
4. Pillows. I have to have a good pillow. Always. About 20 of them.
5. Fanfictions or books that are overlooked but very worth the read.
5 Things I Say Too Much:
1. DAMN IT
2. Idk / I don't know
3. Saranghae - 'I love you' in Korean.
4. lmao
5. Stop it!
I feel icky. So,
to get my mind off of things, I am shamelessly taking quizzes and
going to blog about it. I once had a teacher say that those who take
quizzes are dumb, bored, and/or a wasting their lives away. He's a
smart man, but Lord, I
sure hope I am the last two of those options and not the first.
Anyways.
Aside from doing this, I've been into fanfics again and wanting to
rekindle my relationship with the reviewing world. If you didn't
know, I did that for several years on AFF (asianfanfics) and I did
for a bit on Wattpad; it was a lovely experience because not only did
I learn, but others could learn and I found amazingly talented
writers and people in general. I never turned away a review, or a
person willing to work, and I dearly miss doing all of that. It was
fun and gave me a lot of meaning in the days. I also did this while
sick, loaded with school, and roleplaying. So if I can do all that, I
can do it now when I'm icky-feeling and doing nothing. Right?
Hwaiting~!화이팅!
FIRST
OFF!
Life is dramatic, I am fangirling over Kpop again, I hate being a girl most times anymore, I don't like children, I read too much (not enough, but whatever)--- welcome to more of my life, errbody.
What is
more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are
telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when
they are telling you how they feel?
Probably when saying how I feel...? I
listen intently a lot... so it's nothing new if I'm staring into
your eyes and we're talking. But if I was nervous, I'd probably look
away. All depends on state-of-mind and the feelings behind it.
Think of the last time you were
REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
I am not saying this-- but yes,
I am still angry and hurt. The situation at hand gives me anxiety
and keeps me awake at odd hours, and no matter how many times I try
to relax myself or forgive, I am too hurt.
You are on a flight from Honolulu
to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You
have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do
you tell them?
If my Meme isn't with me, I'd call
her. Otherwise, I'd call and leave a message for someone who could
broadcast it, like Kristin or Chloe.
You are at the doctor’s office
and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month
to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do
you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
I wouldn't tell anyone; I'd try to be
more open to life and get out a bit more; I don't know how I'd truly
feel. I've been in a harrowing place where I've nearly been down
that road and I didn't understand... so... yeah.
You can have one of the following
two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
Trust. I don't have it now, except
with a couple of people, and I've been betrayed so much already in
my lifetime. I have love around me. If it was taken away, I'd be
okay. I know that. Because I've had myself and a few people to love
for years and that's it. So-- trust.
You are walking down the street on
your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side
of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once
more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why
or Why not?
I SAVE THE DAMN DOG BECAUSE I HAVE A
HEART.
Would you rather be hurt by the
one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
The one I love. Because I've been
there. Many times.
Your best friend confesses that
he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is
falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
I... have no idea. It'd depend?
Think of the last person who you
know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life
back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why
or Why not?
Daaaaaaaaaaaaang it. Dang it.
The last person I know that died... like in general? Or personal?
I'mma go with personal. It'd be... my aunt Carmelita? I think? She
suffered from dementia/alzheimer's, and that is a pitiful disease,
so I know she's be out of it to understand, so I wouldn't. That's
how it is for a lot of my family; the disease.
Are you the kind of friend that
you would want to have as a friend?
I would surely hope so! Although I
rarely reply to people, I have trust issues but am an open book, am
loyal, will try my best to cheer anyone up, and will fight for those
I love. I'm also stubborn, lazy, and very blunt. And I curse a
lot...
Does love = sex?
Uhm. Not necessarily, no.
12.Your boss tells your coworker that
they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the
newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a
family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your
boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
I wouldn't, quite honestly. Dog eat
dog world and unless the job was horrid, I wouldn't. Because it might
not turn out right or something.
13.When was the last time you told
someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for
you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
My Meme. I'm always open and honest
with her. I never hide stuff and I tell her even the most mundane or
random things when it comes to feelings.
What would be (or what was) harder
for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or
that you do not love them back?
Probably not loving someone back, I'd
think. It'd be a heart break and I don't know how telling someone
you love them would hurt... I mean, I do,
but in a situation of my own, I wouldn't see it as bad.
What do you think would be the
hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
My Meme. I've lost mobility, my
voice, my dancing abilities, my animals, my family, my mind nearly;
I've lost a lot. And the main constant in my life is my Meme (and
additional people or things), and it'd be the hardest to lost her or
give her up. I always tell her, “I will do everything possible to
keep you alive or keep you with me.” And that's not a lie.
Excluding romantic love, when was
the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
Romance isn't in my life, okay. Nada.
Not at all.
But I tell friends and family I love
them all the time. Phyllis is probably the last one I said it to
outside of my family. She's the sweetest and most caring person
around right now.
If there was one moment and one
time in the last month what would you change and why?
I... don't know. These past couple of
months have been a blur of life and so dramatic... If I could erase
the drama, I would, but things were said that needed
to be said and situations happened that have taught me things. So,
nothing to change.
Would you give a homeless person
CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
Yes. Unless they requested not to.
19.You are holding onto your
grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know
as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save
the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your
rationale for making the decision?
Bye, child of the corn.
For one, my Meme is my life. My
bestest friend everrr. And
the other is a child I do not know and I do not understand why they
are there, but they wouldn't even realize what was going on anyways.
You have no good psych as a baby because your brain is still growing
and not remembering a damned thing.
Are you old fashioned?
Hmm...
Prefer the sex with marriage rule, but
generally don't judge anyone for it otherwise. I prefer the guy
asking the girl out, the guy engaging the girl. I prefer traditional
styles. I like older fashions. I like family traditions.
In general, I most likely am
old-fashioned and I am modern, too. Like I would prefer talking in
person or writing a letter compared to calling/texting/emailing. I
love cards and notes and letters over Facebook.
When was the last time you were
nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
I always try to be nice... If I'm not
nice, there's a reason behind it. And I try to be kind and
considerate despite even my worst moods (and those are horrendous,
honestly).
22.Which would you choose, true love
with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
Never loved at all. Memories can
suffocate. I wouldn't want to drown in nostalgia or whatever over
thinkning the romantic idea of, “Better to have loved than not
all.” I wouldn't. Nope.
23.If you could do anything or wish
anything, what would it be?
I can't psycho-analyze everything, or
else this would be a book by now with answers. I can't a short,
blunt, answer to this. But maybe it'd be in the category of peace for
my family? We have had a hell of a lot of hardships and I just want
it to die down and have some happiness in the mix, you know? Our
happy meters are low and we get knocked down a bunch... I hate seeing
the hope die right in front of me...
Over the past few weeks, I've had a tough situation on my back that I've hefted around. It's been a struggle, yes, and I think I've whined enough to myself that I can finally just breathe and say... this may not be your next trip to Hell yet.
If you know me, you may know I have JDM. It's this trippy disease that is often mistaken for Lupus, but since before 2008, my local clinic had mistaken it for constipation... Two totally different things. Moving on.
Since late 2008, I've had to manage myself, my lifestyle, my medication, my choices. JDM is an auto-immune disease where my oh so lovely immune system decided to malfunction and turn on my tissues and muscles. Quickly add up how much of that is your body and think for a moment. No one ever seemed to stop and think, "Well if it is most of her body getting attacked and losing what's there... isn't that serious? Isn't that a chronic illness?" I'll tell you something... no they did not. It was often compared to diabetes, or arthritis, or constipation like my local clinic said. But none of those attack most of my body and destroy the skin and muscles, do they?
From 2008 until now, 2016, I've faced off with the devilish disease I've come to know and despise. But it will always be my favorite life coach, because it taught me so much more than I think I would have ever learned without it. And no matter how braggy or self-absorbed I may sound by saying that... it's the truth to me. So, Zoe, why continue on with this document? There's a problem, that's why. Since the moment I got to meet the specialty doctors at OU Children's in OKC, I have been on Solumedrol (steroids) and various medications. Ups and downs... many problems and trials and treatments. And over the years, I was never stable enough to function, I just tried to move on and find that special thing I called "being normal", which never seemed to fit me just right.
I'm 19 now. An adult. I knew my SoonerCare (insurance) would be cut off once I reached this wonderful inbetween age. And yet... I had no warning. They waited a month until after I was aged up, sent a bill with a message, and I felt like someone threw another brick of reality straight at my face.
This entire year has been chaos. From stress levels going crazy, to my hormones malfunctioning on their own, to my medicines semi-failing and making me more sick than anything... It had to be now that I was cut off and left for the sharks. I'm not pointing direct fingers and I'm not throwing a pity party. I'd just like to share my experience. And how it's shaping me already.
I fought and fought to tell others how much they take for granted because for eight years I struggled to walk. I struggled to swallow at points. I had contractures in my muscles. I was filled with such anxiety and depression that I swore I'd never reach 18. I was called things and told things and buried alive and I am still thankful for having this disease so I can learn... but at such a crucial time in my life... when my meds were already going bat-shit crazy, and my body wasn't liking it anyways, I'm no longer able to receive my normal IV treatments. I've never gone over a month without them. I've usually stayed on the "every two weeks" treatment plan. Eight years of major IV treatments every two weeks... think about it.
For those who asked about me, thank you. I think I'm more worried with stress over getting some form of insurance back than anything. And I know my family is too. My treatments are too expensive, and going to OKC and back was already costing a lot. Now $500 a month for pills, extra doses of oral steroids that have made this past week as horrible as any experience. But what can you do? I know there are worse people out there and I pray for them, not me. But you can't help but think, in the moments when you feel crappy or want to cry... the one step forward, two steps back; fall down seven times, stand up eight mantras aren't really helping boost my mood.
I'm okay. I'll be okay for now. But the whole point is... well... my life is in the midst of change. After eight years, I'm cold turkey on IVs. I'm using Prednisone (at 60mg) every day, which is making me icky and feeling like a bag or garbage all the time... and my mood swings are now worse than ever. And no matter how many times I apologize, I still feel like some monster when I scream or yell at anyone just because these pills make me go insane for brief moments. It's like teenage hormones... minus acne.
But I still repeat, for now, I'm okay. My JDM is stable enough and if all else fails... I can go to OU and be admitted as a patient for treatments. Which I don't want, because I hated going anyways, and even now I'm not sure when I should or what the signs may be. If that makes sense.
I'm thankful for well wishes, prayers, kind words, and so much more that have been provided since this delimma has popped up.
In all honesty, I am scared, yes. I've never been too stable on JDM, it's always been an out-of-whack disease and never settled for long. Waiting for the other shoe to drop has been a repeat thing for me for all these years and I can't help but wait and wait for it to happen again. Only because it's happened so much already. But, maybe, all will go well. I am merely a month -- trying out the three week IVs just before I was dropped, so my body is still a bit used to every two weeks I think -- since my last IV treatments. Two weeks off. Prednisone up. Anxiety up. Stress up. Hope up. Faith up. And I've read nearly too many books for my own good in this time frame. 26.
So, thanks to all. I love everyone dearly and can never say it enough. <3
If you have any questions, comment here, or go on my Facebook page or to the Zoe's JDM page this is posted to. ^__^
Until next time...
-- Zoe.
8/30/16 update:
The pills are dragging me down a lot. I'm getting more headaches, nausea, and fatigued. I sleep a lot, but then again, I can be just restless. The overall feeling from the steroids are kind of blending together, but it just makes me feel icky and... gross all the time. Plus, it's never fun to wake up and take pills that taste horrid before you eat. I can never manage to get the taste gone until noon...
Whilst browsing throughout some pins on Pinterest, I happened upon something quite interesting. I know, personally, how weird being an American is and how it looks to people around the globe - I was so embraced in Korean and just general foreign culture and how my global friends pointed out things weird about my country. So, I'm going to go into more detail.
1. Portion sizes. || To me, I never care for portion sizes, but I know what they are and how they work and yeah, they're pretty darn weird. Nothing too weird though, because I don't think everyone goes stir-crazy from them or that they're that weird.
2. Flags everywhere. EVERYWHERE. || American freedom, bruh. Ahaha... but no, seriously, there are flags everywhere and if you're where I am, you will not only see American flags, but Confederate flags, Native American flags, and much more. :D
3. Price tags without tax included. How do you know how much you're spending until you get to the cashier? || Hahahaha- you guess. Guesstimate. Unless you want to be the genius in the room and have the taxes on hand and add it up, much like I've witnessed my own Meme do on rare occasions... I digress.
4. Tipping: It was incredibly hard for me to wrap my head about how much is appropriate for the service. || When I learned you don't tip in a lot of foreign countries, I started wishing that it wasn't so normal here! You have no idea how crazy it can be until you live here your entire life. If you give a small amount, your waiter may do something to your food or be rude or get upset, and if you leave too much, you may be hurting your bank account. And it differs from place to place. It's absolutely ridiculous and actually sad how some places that that is how they make their money - off of tips!
5. Advertising prescription drugs. That was the weirdest one for me. "ask your doctor for brand x antidepressants" type commercials on TV. In the UK, your doctor tells you what drugs you should take, not the other way round. || Honestly, that's not how it really works, but a lot of ways that's how it can go. Most of the time I've only seen doctors prescribe from their office and not having someone walk in with an idea of what they need. People always guess when it comes to their ailments, so it's weird seeing that. But they advertise for the money and to gain ground on their meds - companies are like that. They want you to buy their drugs.
6. Everything being designed around cars. || What- I know we have billions of commercials regarding cars, but... is it that car-centric?
7. The sheer amount of commercials on the television, and their lack of quality. || Trust me... they're only getting more and more ignorant as they search for original content for commercials. So, I completely agree. Plus, it's all about money for us, so commercials get the dough to places and for their product's TV time... why not air fifty million?
8. Aerosol cheese. Like seriously I would try it at least once, but that shit looks like cancer. || HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA true.
9. A visiting Italian friend was very puzzled at Americans' use of the phrase, "Oh, really?" group conversations. Somehow he took that as a person challenging his opinion, when in reality, it's jsut some habit a lot of us have that basically means, "Interesting. Can you elaborate?" The guy was red in the face after an hour because he literally thought everyone in our group was challenging every single thing he said. || That's pretty interesting. I understand though because on the internet, if you say "Oh, really?" it sound like a challenging thing and completely sarcastic.
10. Your toilets are too low down and the stalls have massive gaps around the door so that people can see in. You can put a man on the moon but can't design a setup whereby I can have a dump in comfortable privacy. Sort it out America. || I laughed hard at this because WE KNOW. There are so many people who avoid public toilets because of the lack of privacy and even if it's an emergency (like I've experienced) there are generally rude ass people who either comment aloud or give you looks- like, excuse you, not my fault I feel terrible and the stalls are so public?! I don't know why we have them so open... it's ridiculous.
11. Pickles. Your hidden love for pickles. I have been in the states for like 8 years and you guys give a pickle with everything. || It's not really a secret. More of an obsession, really.
12. I find it really weird how college football players are kind of celebrities. They're scrutinized and have fans and do TV interviews, and it just boggles my mind so much. They're just students that do an extra curricular activity! I don't understand. || I don't either, honestly. It's not just football either.
13. Jaywalking is a crime? || Yeah, no one follows that law.
14. Why is bread in the USA so sweet? Sandwich bread, hamburger buns, taste like cake but Americans have no idea what you're talking about because they're used to it. || I... I didn't realize it... whoa. This changes my life.
15. Soft drink is free flowing, everywhere. || Actually, in some places it isn't and we find that ridiculous.
16. You are all so loud! But friendly. || If you're shy around here, it's weird, so it's a social norm for Americans. Being loud is the absolute norm - nothing less. Although I'd prefer the not-so-loud kids because I was one. But now... I'm loud.
17. A very blase approach to credit card security. Signatures don't matter and no one uses a PIN. || Life of Americans; cause our own problems then blame the Government who ultimately cause our problems and-- yeah.
18. The pledge of allegiance is creepy. I know most Americans just say it because they have to in school but if you listen to the words it sounds strange to have children just chanting it off. ||
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. And to the republic, for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." It is pretty damned creepy, I'll admit. We serve our government or we die, simple.
So... there we go. Weird things. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more, especially here in Oklahoma. I should ask my global friends some things and see what they think is weird. I know we've compared our religions and schools; I can name a bunch of differences with those two. Otherwise, I'm back to the rest of the interweb to see what I can find.
NOTE; My pasting is off, and it won't let me fix it as of yet, but please (future self) deal with the issue and fix the fact you can't space without deleting things.
By now, everyone knows about the
“Caitlyn Jenner thing”, as I put it. It isn't that I'm against it
– Hell no. I'm totally for her rights and what she's doing, but
yesterday, during my ride home with my mother... I thought about
writing over it.
A few days ago, when it was really
getting big and everything was airing on E! News and other media...
my dad happened to come over. Now, two things happened that day,
relating to my life, that also relate to Caitlyn Jenner; one was that
a close friend of mine put on Facebook
that he supported her fully, and one of our Bible Belt Christians
commented “gross.” Of course that is the match that stuck a fire
on the somewhat famous-amongst-our-town post. The two fought, and the
girl who commented is notorious for doing things like that; she
always enforces the Bible and her beliefs, which is her right, sure.
I'm not against that. But posting negativity on a post for
positivity... the guy was okay with her right to speak, but fighting
on Facebook over it because it's
against her beliefs... she even went and commented that the guy put
it up, aiming it at her! And he didn't, of course.
Moving
on. My family is super religious, like most of my town (and my state
which lies in Bible Belt, USA). I'm religious, too, but I believe
people can do and be what they want, because it's not my right to
judge and force them to change. And my dad, the overly negative and
hateful commentator of such things, came over and we proceeded to get
in a mini fight about Caitlyn Jenner. “He's gay!” Well, no.
Caitlyn said in her interview that as a man, she was attracted to
women, but now, she wasn't sure. This might have changed. And then my
father proceeds to say and quote the Bible. Relating this back to my
friend's post, we had a young kid (he's a Junior) that is highly
religious and walks around always quoting the Bible and thinking he's
God's prophet. That's okay – totally is. But he came in and tried
to help out the girl, to which my friend said they should quit trying
to “correct” him and let him believe what he wants. He
understands that what he believes is against the Bible. And the rest
of us, who are just like him – we get it.
But do we care? No.
So,
let me explain further.
Christians
always say that God has a predestined path for you, God loves you,
God is always there for you. “You shall not lie with a male as with
a woman; it is an abomination.” Do you know how many of our beloved
Bible figures did lie
with a man and many other women as well as his wife? Dating back
eons, people have done that. We are made to love and have the other
sex only to reproduce. And sure, a chemical in our brain can
determine our sexual orientation, but that's the same thing for sex
and love in general. They are both controlled by chemicals in the
brain. I feel you can love who you want, sleep with who you want,
etc., because it's your life, and if God really
hated it so much... he would put a definite stop to it. But
Christians argue back, “We were given free will.” I know that.
Thank God. We were also given a conscience, which is where that “free
will” resides. We have morals, laws, rules, etc., so on and so
forth, and to this day we sin as much on other things as we do
regarding same-sex things. But which gets the most hate and the most
cruelty? Because being gay, bi, transgender, or even asexual... it's
unnatural and people don't want to wrap their minds around that.
So,
looking to other faults in the Bible; endogamous marriage was popular
through the times of the Bible, as well as marrying (or just
reproducing) with more than one lady. Or man.
Let's
highlight some fun facts. Regarding marriage – specifically
incestuous – here's a list. Women were said to not be able to sleep
with a grandparent's spouse, parent-in-law, sibling's child, spouse's
brother's child, spouse's sister's child, nephews and nieces, child
or stepchild or child-in-law. Men couldn't with a parent, stepparent,
parent's spouse or siblings, uncle/aunt, child-in-law, or spouse's
grandchild. Everything else is seen as okay in the Bible.
Even sleeping with your own daughter.
1
Corinthians 6:9-11 states that if you're unrighteous, you won't enter
the Kingdom of God. So, you can't be sexually immoral (no sex before
marriage, bitches), idolate, adulterers, men who practice gayness
(much more fun word than homosexuality, lmao), thievery, greedy,
drunkards, revilers, swindlers – they don't get into Heaven. By
drunkies, greedy bitches, revilers, thieves, gay men, idolaters,
adulterers, and the sexually immoral! “But no! If we admit our sins
and pray and repent, God will forgive us.” Okay, sure. But why the
hell is it so wrong for someone to love another person who
makes them feel happy and they
get hated on so much, but someone who can be a party-goer who is
addicted to alcohol and drugs, always having sex, and so forth –
why can they be shamed for a day, then repent their sins and seen as
holy, then go back to their old ways (in private) and get into
Heaven? Because I know a lot of people who do that. I honestly do.
And yet so many people see them as amazing Christians. James 4:12
“There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and
to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?”
With
my final quote from above, I think to the fact someone would confront
me, saying, “But you're judging them.” With positivity and
happiness. Why is that so wrong for me to accept them and wish them
happiness? Morality is different than our Bible's commandments.
Romans 1:32 can argue against me, but listen. Morality is “principles
concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad
behavior.” So, you know what? Loving someone isn't wrong. You can't
specify, unless it's in your religion. Wanting to be true to yourself
isn't wrong, unless it's in your religion. In the Bible, a
contradictory thing is that you put to death, and murder, someone who
has committed sin, but your act of sin is “okay” because God said
so. If God is so loving, why is he letting hatred lead to killing
people who were unhappy until they found happiness? Why would God
wish death and fire upon such an act, but forgive others so easily?
That's what Christians around here display, and I don't think they
realize that.
On
salon.com, a post states this, “In
Genesis 19, we read the story of Sodom, from which the terms “sodomy”
and “sodomite” are drawn. In this story, two angels (in both
Hebrew and Greek the word “angel” means “messenger”) came
from God, and visited the town of Sodom. Lot, Abraham’s nephew,
invited the men to lodge with him for the night. Here’s what
Genesis says: “Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every
part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the
house. They called to Lot, ‘Where are the men who came to you
tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.’
Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said,
‘No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two
daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to
you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything
to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof ’
” (Genesis 19:4–8, niv).But
here’s the question I would ask related to this story: is this
story really about loving, committed homosexual relationships? Had
the town’s men gang-raped Lot’s daughters, would this story be
about loving, committed heterosexual relationships? Of course not.
Did the men of Sodom consider themselves homosexual? All of them? Or
was their attack upon these strangers a way of demonstrating power
over them, humiliating them, while violently gratifying their own
sexual desires?”
Back
to morality though, since it is an ultimate thing regarding how you
accept such things as being gay or transgendered. “Yet even though
morals can vary from person to person and culture to culture, many
are practiced universal, as they result from basic human emotions. We
may think of moralizing as an intellectual exercise, but more
frequently it's an attempt to make sense of our gut instinct.” This
was from Psychology Today. I looked through everything; even the
teaching of morality from a young age. I grew up seeing sex on TV,
boobs everywhere, harsh and nasty jokes being thrown about,
teens/young adults partying and drinking, music based on such things.
Yet, I never really was introduced to homosexuality. Even then, when
I was, I accepted it because it's like any other love... just with
the same gender. It may not feel right to you, but to them, it's like
loving any other S.O. Sadly, though, as in this decade we are
watching the world accept same-sex marriage, my town throws tantrums.
My towns also once hung people of color and “wrong-doers” and
apparently we're named after the giant Red Oak tree that we hung them
from. Up until the late 1900s, there was also a sign or something
saying to the P.o.C to not “let the sun set on your here”
which... is racist. But okay, right? It's okay to judge black people
and want them to leave, but since we're Indians, we can be that way.
The Indian morality here is shitty. So is our general morality, but
who am I to say anything? I'm on the wrong side of the board, here.
But I also like to throw facts around because I'm like that. In
ancient times, things were called “wrong” but still practiced by
some of the most outstanding religious figures. Marriages back then –
or even just joining of two – were for business, and most likely
relatives of second-hand nature. Don't even get me started on Adam
and Eve.
So,
my philosophy on things? I don't care about the religion, morality,
equality, etc., but in a sense, I do. I do care that those who love
each other be treated as people who love each other and not
abominations. I do care if people are harassed over their lifestyle
choices. Because, honestly, I would rather side with someone who
finally gets to be happy in their own skin than with a bunch of
people who want them sent straight to Hell for trying to be
themselves. Judging is all the same, sure, but there's a difference
between good and bad judging. If you want to harass and send someone
through Hell because they're doing something that isn't okay in your
book? Go for it, but realize you're being a complete and utter
asshole. They're not affecting you, are they? “They're insulting my
religion” shut up. Shut the fuck up. I am eating a load of calories
but is that truly affecting your diet?
Plus, I'm pretty sure those who are going against your religious
moralization realize it because they've had so many assholes quote
the Bible on a regular basis. So, quit being your judgmental asshole
self, let the person live their life, and let their judgment day
come. As you've said, from the Bible, only God can judge, so let him
and please don't come
at me with bullshit stating, “God would want me to speak of this.”
No. No no no no. No, no... no no nonono. He would appear to us and
tell us. If things like this were truly such a big disgrace, God
could fix it. So shut
the fuck up. Please.
Over the course of my JDM life (roughly eight years now) I've been on a cocktail of meds. From high doses to low doses; mild risks to extreme risks; I've been prescribed an abundance of medications for various reasons and I have either took notice or haven't. I digress on this: some pills leave more... impressionable marks than others.
As I was beginning my pre-teen and then teen years with JDM, I don't have the perspective of what it's like to grow up with JDM as a child, or how meds affected me then. I do have the perspective of the "kid with the red face," however, and that's not a fun thing to be stuck with. But most pale face gingers know that to ring true.
So, where am I going with this, huh?
I have been on steroids since day one of my treatments. Solumedrol, prednisone, prednisolone, something-else-one-or-something-or-other; mainly solumedrol and prednisone have played a rather important role in my JDM life. Not only do steroids make you gain weight, you can lose it, too. Coming from a family with a wide array of body types, I had been more prone to chubbiness, and although throughout my JDM years I've suffered on both ends of the weight spectrum... I still feel ashamed when the 'roids pack on pounds for me. I'm a typical girl who tries to love her body regardless, but still wants to work to maintain a body she appreciates. I'm not going to sugarcoat that any more than it may seem. I do genuinely love my body, because it's mine, and it is what I basically live in, you know? But I have often felt the societal pressures of wanting to lose weight -- that's a whole big long topic of how young Zoe nearly had a full-blown eating disorder thanks to school, society, the meds, and her ego.
For the most part, as I'm nineteen now, and I've been on the bigger side of my weight for nearly three years now, I struggle at times to love myself the way I am. I do sit idle a lot, but even if it seems that's all I do in life -- exist and eat and sleep or whatever -- that's not the full story. I am active. Just as active as I was sitting in high school for eight hours and walking from class to class, if not more active. And yet, you gotta know that it stings a little how the meds just pack on weight from all you take in despite profusely trying to strengthen the muscles and work the fat away. I feel like a lump of clay, being molding by JDM sometimes; it's not a bad thing, but it's not my ideal situation at hand. I'd love to lose weight, and I try my best to start doing more intense things to work out, like a normal person would...
Then JDM smacks me in the face, says, "bitch, not today or ever" and casually progresses to throw new things into my life. On top of my failing self-love at the moment, I now have issues regarding acid reflux and my esophagus. Weeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm joyous on so many levels (can you tell that is sarcasm-?)
I have ranged in the 170s to 180s in weight. Which sucks like no other because the main fat on my body - thanks genes - lies in my boobs and my abdomen. I have no butt, thanks Nannie, and I have okay legs than have been weird since forever. My arms are fat, yes, and aside from that, my tummy, and my boobs... I mean, I have my torso and it is fat. There we go. Honest Zoe. My torso is fat and squishy and although I try to keep my mantra of, "I wouldn't call my children or cats or anyone fat and disregard their pain or comments or talk trash to them, so why should I to myself and not love me?"
...sigh. I still struggle. Anyone would, right?
And you know what really grinds my gears with the steroids? They make me hungry all the time and even if I ate crackers -- which I did mostly throughout my final years of high school -- I still gain a shit ton of weight and nothing gets it off. I sweat, I do yoga, I am up most of the day doing some something to get myself going, and I always try to do dance breaks. Extreme KPOP dance breaks and anyone who knows KPOP knows that KPOP dances are legit tough, but legit fun, amirite? No?
I was doing so well. I was loving myself, losing a bit of weight, and then I was kicked off insurance and the whole shabang went down and 60mgs of 'roids a day is a lot and is expected to push my weird body into food-wanting-overdrive, and I do resist a lot of the time, but... but... It is two in the morning and I've been hungry since four in the afternoon yesterday. The. Struggle. Is. Real. My. Friends. It's real and a bitch and I don't like it.
And with the acid reflux taking a turn for the worst and I've literally choked too much from the simplest foods... will I starve and lose weight that way? I mean this as no joke and not harshly, but it's just--- my body is weird. JDM is weird. Actually, it's the meds and the issues I get because of JDM that is weird. My JDM right now is okay... I hope. I haven't had routine blood tests to see in months now. Joy to the world, this isn't the state of "OK" I wanted to find myself in after high school.
Until next time and another rant,
let's hope I can avoid binging and sleep this away.
p.s. Carmilla and SNSD videos for three hours and then reading Harry Potter fanfiction isn't the best solution, but it helps ease my mental agony of wanting to eat when I shouldn't be. That's all. ^__^
I am back to report with more tag/quiz/answer things!
Why? Because me being myself, and stalling with ideas and no Sims working (I'll have a post on that soon enough), I have reverted to keeping my blood pressure under check by easily answering questions. Except, I answered most of these days ago... oh well.
1.
Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
= So, backstory time! My Nannie was an avid smoker, had COPD, many health issues, and had to quit cold turkey at one point or she'd die. She succeeded in quitting and lived for years afterwards. My dad has smoked, my stepmom, my mother; a lot of people have, and I don't, and won't, but I have no judgement. Long story short: I can go forever without smoking a cigarette.
2. Are
you single/taken/heartbroken/confused? = Single.
But this pond I'm in is a bit small to even try...
3.
What if I told you that you were pretty? = I'd
reply with thanks, telling you the same.
4.
Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”? = ...I
basically said that to my first official boyfriend... through text
message, too. Heh... yeah. 12 y/o me was very much in it for the feels, huh?
5. Are
you interested in anyone right now? = Oh, of
course. From a far. Way a far.
6.
What are you looking forward to in the next week? = Youth
Group is tonight and... I'm excited. Never really have been, so I'm
curious why my brain is like, “YESSS YOUTH GROUP!” Other than
that... I have no official plans. I wound up not going because we felt icky, so we stayed home. Now I am waiting for the Fall Festival nearby and hoping my blood pressure doesn't give me issues.
7. Do
you want to be single? = I am
single, but I don't want to be. Weeeeelllll... then again, I do but I don't, but I do because people, but I don't because companionship.
8. Did
you go out or stay in last night? = Babysat
my two lil bros.
9. How
late did you stay up last night? = I
promised my bros I'd stay up late with them, but I fell asleep as
soon as my dad left for work. Then woke up at 3 AM, and stayed up...
10.
Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot? = I had
one official boyfriend in
all my nineteen years. Personal issues (health) caused me to not
really get to experience teenage dating – I'm sorta thankful for
that, honestly – and now I'm ready to date. But I live in a tiny
town and a small area in general. I haven't gotten to like someone a
lot, really.
11.
Last three things you had to drink? = Water,
coffee, and pickle juice. Don't judge me.
12.Have
you pretended to like someone? = On a
roleplay. Hahaha. Otherwise... no.
13.
Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant
it? = Yes.
Family.
14.
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3
months? = My
Meme. And my cats. No one else.
15. Is
it hard for you to get over someone? = If I
care a lot, yes. If I don't, probably not. Even with people who were close to me... if we have serious issues, bye bitch.
16.
Think back five months ago, were you single? = I
have been single since I was twelve.
17.
What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? = It is
11.15 AM. I was... cleaning? I don't know.
18.
Hold hands with anyone this week? = Myself. And my cats.
19.
Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? =
Probably. Because what I like is pina coladas, and I can drink those
virgin.
20.
What would you name your future daughter? = Alexa
was my dream name, but I dislike children.
21. Do
you miss anyone? = Badly,
badly.
22.
Have you kissed three or more people in one night? =
Hahahahah-- no. First off, germs. Second, house rat right here.
23.
Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? = I
honestly do not remember. But I kiss my cats, does that count?
24.
Are you good at hiding your feelings? = Oh,
yes. Even when people say I'm not, I am.
25.
Have you ever cried from being so mad? = It is
the only time I cry; I hate it so much.
26.
Who did you last see in person? = Well...
my dad is asleep in the chair over there, so... My Meme is in her chair over there, so...
27.
Are you listening to music right now? = No. But
I'm listening to a Neil deGrasse Tyson documentary.
28.
What is something you currently want right now? = To go
pee.
29.
What is the last thing you said out loud? = “Isn't it cool?" in reference to the dead Tarantula Hawk that is in a jar on my piano.
30.
How is your heart lately? =
Confused, broken, sad, pieced together, stressed.
31. Do
you wear the hood on your hoodie? = Mhmm.
32.
Are you wearing socks? = I never
wear socks unless I need them for sneakers.
33.
What do people call you? =
34.
Will you talk to the person you like tonight? = I like myself, and I talk to myself a lot, so I'm guessing the chances are pretty high.
35.
Are there any stressful situations in your life? = so
many. So, so, so many.
36.
Who did you last share a bed with? = Jimmy,
the family chihuahua.
37.
Did you do something bad today? = I dropped the f-bomb a little too much.
38.
When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? = I
hugged my bro last night basically... while sitting on him and
holding him down.
39. Do
you get stressed out easily? = Depends
on me. Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no.
40.
Will you sing today? = I sing
everyday.
41.
Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? = ALL THE
TIME.
42.
Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? = Meme,
Kristin, Chloe, my cats.
43.
Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? = not
yet.
44.
What are you listening to right now? = Neil
deGrasse Tyson's voice.
45.
What is wrong with you right now? = I need
to pee really bad.
46.
What is on your wrists right now? = my
skin.
47.
Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? = PJ
set... dunno.
48.
What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? = hot
chocolate
49. Do
you make wishes at 11:11? = Used
to.
50.
Are you a good artist? = I'm
alright. My neuropathy makes my hands very unsteady so I fuck up a
lot...
51.
Love really is a beautiful thing huh? = It's
also crazy as hell.Think about it though... love is chemicals. An obsessions, basically, at first. Mixtures of chemicals and growing used to the person and needing them and bonding. If you'd minus one of your chemicals in the formula of love... you'd be scre---
52. Do
you miss the way things were six months ago? = I was
much more emotionally stable, so probably.
53.
Ever been on a golf cart? = Yes,
and jumped off of one while it moved, like an idiot.
54. Do
you have trust issues? =
Sometimes. It all depends on who we're referring to. Do I trust myself to finish things? Never, but let's break that tonight.
55.
Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who? = YES.
Chloe Kat & Kira.
56. Do
you own something from Hot Topic? = I used
to own a shit ton, like the emo phasing 12 y/o I was. Now, I miss
it, and I own only a couple things, I think. HP fandom stuff, old Avril Lavigne gloves, and other fandom things.
57. Do
you use chap stick? = Lots.
Current fave is from an Etsy shop called Cedar Creek.
58.
Have you ever slapped someone in the face? = Not
yet. But that's what the beautifully crafted mind is for... for dreaming of revenge and murder. Or slapping faces.
59. Do
you have a little sister? = She
dead. Literally.
60.
Have you ever been to New York? = YES! I
miss it... It was lovely.
61.
Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they
meant it? = My
father – I sure hope so.
62.
Have you hugged someone within the last week? = Not a human.
63.
What were you doing at midnight last night? =
Sleeping. Dreaming. Trying to get my heart rate under control at one point.
64.
Have you ever regretted kissing someone? = I have
kissed one person. Regret? No.
65. Is
there one person in your life that can always make you smile? = There
are a lot, actually. But, yes.
66.
Were your last three kisses from the same person? = I have
kissed one person on the mouth and it was the same kid.
67.
Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? = I am
single. Bye.
68.
Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? = Alone,
with my kitten. Or multiple cats.
69.
Will next Friday be a good one? = I am
not a psychic nor an optimist. There is a possibility it will be,
but who knows?
So, since life has been interesting and with writing (and lots of thinking and personal stuff going on), I happened to think last night: "What would learn about me first if we just met? What do my friends/family collectively say about me/introduce me as? What would it take time for people to learn about me?
Basically, my mind was stuck on those ideas until I fell asleep. I'm going to write it hear -- to document it, y'know -- and look back one day and go, "Wow. I was more normal back then." Or, hopefully, not as weird. But... doubt.
5 Things You'd Learn About Me After First Meeting Me:
1. My name is Zoe. Usually spelt with two dots over the 'e'.
2. I have this disease called JDM (and I'll probably explain it) and it is a GIANT part of my life.
3. I am constantly looking into others' eyes; to listen, when I'm talking, etc. It's just something I do to let others know I'm paying attention or that I'm focused on them. Unless I'm nervous.
4. I'm an open book. Seriously. Ask anything, Zoe will answer. Woooot~
5. I'm a cat fanatic. Byeee.
5 Things People Would Tell You About Me:
1. I'm friendly and like socializing - most times, anyways.
2. I have JDM.
3. I speak Korean and am a big Korean friend. I have been around to see people (friends) say this to strangers and I'm just like, "Why must this be my identifier?"
4. I'm smart, and sometimes too smart for my own good. This also leads to me being a smart-ass and sarcastic.
5. I have 50 cats and will never have children. I'm the literal crazy cat lady you hear of.
5 Things You May Learn About Me:
1. My grandmother (Meme) is basically my mother. She and my Papa raised me. He is now dead. So, there you have it.
2. I love dance too much. I have danced since I could stand and never stopped, even when my mobility was shitty (thanks to JDM).
3. I am Native American. Chickasaw. Boombayah, babes. B|
4. I am a history nerd and am fascinated by anything historical or ancient; I want to be a part of historical societies, too. I'm just not too interested in some history things that happens to be focal topics in high schools for numerous years.
5. I AM A HARRY POTTER FANGIRL FIGhT MEeE; Ravenclaw, Thunderbird, ebony wand with a unicorn hair (I think), cat as a pet (preferably Talon, my black baby), and I'd be able to see Thestrals. I was born a year after the Wizarding War that killed Voldemort. I'd also be attending Ilvermorny.
5 Things You May Not Know About Me:
1. I have anxiety and depression; anxiety is terrible; had teachers and "friends" tell me I was faking it and using it as an excuse. Thanks, everyone.
2. I read Tarot cards (gotten better, ya haters). And I predicted the date my Nannie would die and left them alone for months afterwards.
3. I have a reputation at OU Children's Hospital; most know me as Dr. Sestak's kid, and with that they know I'm the girl with such a high pain tolerance that I didn't realize my shoulder was broken for over a week. Heh...
4. I am terrified of heights. I love the views, but my subconscious says, Hell no.
5. I wanted to do ballet, gymnastics, cheer, dance, acting, fashion design, singing, rapping, adventurer, director, and many more things as a child. I still do. I dream of being everything. 5 Things People Assume About Me:
1. That I'm nervous. Because I shake. Or twitch. I have neuropathy, so I shake and my limbs go to sleep or malfunction and twitch. It makes me nervous that my nerves act up.
2. That I'm forever a crazy cat lady. Though I am, I'm not crazy and I only want like... 5 cats.
3. That I speak fluent Korean. No, guys, I didn't magically suck up all the knowledge of the language, otherwise I'd have learned Spanish by now or Italian or Greek or Tagalog.
4. That I'm too lazy and very spoiled. For one, I am lazy, but will do things that need done. Two, I am strict with money, strict with bills, strict with a lot of things, so don't assume because I bought a bunch of sweets or extra cat items that I am spoiling myself. Or that I do that 24/7.
5. That I'm not "sick" and I use it as an excuse. Even when I was uber red, splotchy, had contractures, was walking on my tip-toes, I still had people say I wasn't sick. No, I just dyed my skin, decided bending my limbs all the time was cool, and that nearly falling over a lot was hip.
5 Flaws I Have:
1. I curse way too damn much. And I'm not sorry for it.
2. I get louder and louder if angry, if someone isn't listening, or if I'm in such a chatty mood. I think I picked it up from my friend... damn you, Ambam.
3. I can ignore texts for days. Sorry.
4. I am a know-it-all and psychoanalyze things without realizing it. I'll fact check someone or contradict them or anything of that sort, get a look, and then realize I messed up with my brain... again.
5. I procrastinate. Way too much. Waaaay too much.
5 Things I Obsess Over:
1. Coffee.
2. My cats. They are my children, sue me.
3. Any music I find and love.
4. Pillows. I have to have a good pillow. Always. About 20 of them.
5. Fanfictions or books that are overlooked but very worth the read.
5 Things I Say Too Much:
1. DAMN IT
2. Idk / I don't know
3. Saranghae - 'I love you' in Korean.
4. lmao
5. Stop it!
I feel icky. So,
to get my mind off of things, I am shamelessly taking quizzes and
going to blog about it. I once had a teacher say that those who take
quizzes are dumb, bored, and/or a wasting their lives away. He's a
smart man, but Lord, I
sure hope I am the last two of those options and not the first.
Anyways.
Aside from doing this, I've been into fanfics again and wanting to
rekindle my relationship with the reviewing world. If you didn't
know, I did that for several years on AFF (asianfanfics) and I did
for a bit on Wattpad; it was a lovely experience because not only did
I learn, but others could learn and I found amazingly talented
writers and people in general. I never turned away a review, or a
person willing to work, and I dearly miss doing all of that. It was
fun and gave me a lot of meaning in the days. I also did this while
sick, loaded with school, and roleplaying. So if I can do all that, I
can do it now when I'm icky-feeling and doing nothing. Right?
Hwaiting~!화이팅!
FIRST
OFF!
Life is dramatic, I am fangirling over Kpop again, I hate being a girl most times anymore, I don't like children, I read too much (not enough, but whatever)--- welcome to more of my life, errbody.
What is
more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are
telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when
they are telling you how they feel?
Probably when saying how I feel...? I
listen intently a lot... so it's nothing new if I'm staring into
your eyes and we're talking. But if I was nervous, I'd probably look
away. All depends on state-of-mind and the feelings behind it.
Think of the last time you were
REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
I am not saying this-- but yes,
I am still angry and hurt. The situation at hand gives me anxiety
and keeps me awake at odd hours, and no matter how many times I try
to relax myself or forgive, I am too hurt.
You are on a flight from Honolulu
to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You
have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do
you tell them?
If my Meme isn't with me, I'd call
her. Otherwise, I'd call and leave a message for someone who could
broadcast it, like Kristin or Chloe.
You are at the doctor’s office
and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month
to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do
you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
I wouldn't tell anyone; I'd try to be
more open to life and get out a bit more; I don't know how I'd truly
feel. I've been in a harrowing place where I've nearly been down
that road and I didn't understand... so... yeah.
You can have one of the following
two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
Trust. I don't have it now, except
with a couple of people, and I've been betrayed so much already in
my lifetime. I have love around me. If it was taken away, I'd be
okay. I know that. Because I've had myself and a few people to love
for years and that's it. So-- trust.
You are walking down the street on
your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side
of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once
more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why
or Why not?
I SAVE THE DAMN DOG BECAUSE I HAVE A
HEART.
Would you rather be hurt by the
one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
The one I love. Because I've been
there. Many times.
Your best friend confesses that
he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is
falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
I... have no idea. It'd depend?
Think of the last person who you
know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life
back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why
or Why not?
Daaaaaaaaaaaaang it. Dang it.
The last person I know that died... like in general? Or personal?
I'mma go with personal. It'd be... my aunt Carmelita? I think? She
suffered from dementia/alzheimer's, and that is a pitiful disease,
so I know she's be out of it to understand, so I wouldn't. That's
how it is for a lot of my family; the disease.
Are you the kind of friend that
you would want to have as a friend?
I would surely hope so! Although I
rarely reply to people, I have trust issues but am an open book, am
loyal, will try my best to cheer anyone up, and will fight for those
I love. I'm also stubborn, lazy, and very blunt. And I curse a
lot...
Does love = sex?
Uhm. Not necessarily, no.
12.Your boss tells your coworker that
they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the
newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a
family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your
boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
I wouldn't, quite honestly. Dog eat
dog world and unless the job was horrid, I wouldn't. Because it might
not turn out right or something.
13.When was the last time you told
someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for
you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
My Meme. I'm always open and honest
with her. I never hide stuff and I tell her even the most mundane or
random things when it comes to feelings.
What would be (or what was) harder
for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or
that you do not love them back?
Probably not loving someone back, I'd
think. It'd be a heart break and I don't know how telling someone
you love them would hurt... I mean, I do,
but in a situation of my own, I wouldn't see it as bad.
What do you think would be the
hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
My Meme. I've lost mobility, my
voice, my dancing abilities, my animals, my family, my mind nearly;
I've lost a lot. And the main constant in my life is my Meme (and
additional people or things), and it'd be the hardest to lost her or
give her up. I always tell her, “I will do everything possible to
keep you alive or keep you with me.” And that's not a lie.
Excluding romantic love, when was
the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
Romance isn't in my life, okay. Nada.
Not at all.
But I tell friends and family I love
them all the time. Phyllis is probably the last one I said it to
outside of my family. She's the sweetest and most caring person
around right now.
If there was one moment and one
time in the last month what would you change and why?
I... don't know. These past couple of
months have been a blur of life and so dramatic... If I could erase
the drama, I would, but things were said that needed
to be said and situations happened that have taught me things. So,
nothing to change.
Would you give a homeless person
CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
Yes. Unless they requested not to.
19.You are holding onto your
grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know
as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save
the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your
rationale for making the decision?
Bye, child of the corn.
For one, my Meme is my life. My
bestest friend everrr. And
the other is a child I do not know and I do not understand why they
are there, but they wouldn't even realize what was going on anyways.
You have no good psych as a baby because your brain is still growing
and not remembering a damned thing.
Are you old fashioned?
Hmm...
Prefer the sex with marriage rule, but
generally don't judge anyone for it otherwise. I prefer the guy
asking the girl out, the guy engaging the girl. I prefer traditional
styles. I like older fashions. I like family traditions.
In general, I most likely am
old-fashioned and I am modern, too. Like I would prefer talking in
person or writing a letter compared to calling/texting/emailing. I
love cards and notes and letters over Facebook.
When was the last time you were
nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
I always try to be nice... If I'm not
nice, there's a reason behind it. And I try to be kind and
considerate despite even my worst moods (and those are horrendous,
honestly).
22.Which would you choose, true love
with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
Never loved at all. Memories can
suffocate. I wouldn't want to drown in nostalgia or whatever over
thinkning the romantic idea of, “Better to have loved than not
all.” I wouldn't. Nope.
23.If you could do anything or wish
anything, what would it be?
I can't psycho-analyze everything, or
else this would be a book by now with answers. I can't a short,
blunt, answer to this. But maybe it'd be in the category of peace for
my family? We have had a hell of a lot of hardships and I just want
it to die down and have some happiness in the mix, you know? Our
happy meters are low and we get knocked down a bunch... I hate seeing
the hope die right in front of me...
Over the past few weeks, I've had a tough situation on my back that I've hefted around. It's been a struggle, yes, and I think I've whined enough to myself that I can finally just breathe and say... this may not be your next trip to Hell yet.
If you know me, you may know I have JDM. It's this trippy disease that is often mistaken for Lupus, but since before 2008, my local clinic had mistaken it for constipation... Two totally different things. Moving on.
Since late 2008, I've had to manage myself, my lifestyle, my medication, my choices. JDM is an auto-immune disease where my oh so lovely immune system decided to malfunction and turn on my tissues and muscles. Quickly add up how much of that is your body and think for a moment. No one ever seemed to stop and think, "Well if it is most of her body getting attacked and losing what's there... isn't that serious? Isn't that a chronic illness?" I'll tell you something... no they did not. It was often compared to diabetes, or arthritis, or constipation like my local clinic said. But none of those attack most of my body and destroy the skin and muscles, do they?
From 2008 until now, 2016, I've faced off with the devilish disease I've come to know and despise. But it will always be my favorite life coach, because it taught me so much more than I think I would have ever learned without it. And no matter how braggy or self-absorbed I may sound by saying that... it's the truth to me. So, Zoe, why continue on with this document? There's a problem, that's why. Since the moment I got to meet the specialty doctors at OU Children's in OKC, I have been on Solumedrol (steroids) and various medications. Ups and downs... many problems and trials and treatments. And over the years, I was never stable enough to function, I just tried to move on and find that special thing I called "being normal", which never seemed to fit me just right.
I'm 19 now. An adult. I knew my SoonerCare (insurance) would be cut off once I reached this wonderful inbetween age. And yet... I had no warning. They waited a month until after I was aged up, sent a bill with a message, and I felt like someone threw another brick of reality straight at my face.
This entire year has been chaos. From stress levels going crazy, to my hormones malfunctioning on their own, to my medicines semi-failing and making me more sick than anything... It had to be now that I was cut off and left for the sharks. I'm not pointing direct fingers and I'm not throwing a pity party. I'd just like to share my experience. And how it's shaping me already.
I fought and fought to tell others how much they take for granted because for eight years I struggled to walk. I struggled to swallow at points. I had contractures in my muscles. I was filled with such anxiety and depression that I swore I'd never reach 18. I was called things and told things and buried alive and I am still thankful for having this disease so I can learn... but at such a crucial time in my life... when my meds were already going bat-shit crazy, and my body wasn't liking it anyways, I'm no longer able to receive my normal IV treatments. I've never gone over a month without them. I've usually stayed on the "every two weeks" treatment plan. Eight years of major IV treatments every two weeks... think about it.
For those who asked about me, thank you. I think I'm more worried with stress over getting some form of insurance back than anything. And I know my family is too. My treatments are too expensive, and going to OKC and back was already costing a lot. Now $500 a month for pills, extra doses of oral steroids that have made this past week as horrible as any experience. But what can you do? I know there are worse people out there and I pray for them, not me. But you can't help but think, in the moments when you feel crappy or want to cry... the one step forward, two steps back; fall down seven times, stand up eight mantras aren't really helping boost my mood.
I'm okay. I'll be okay for now. But the whole point is... well... my life is in the midst of change. After eight years, I'm cold turkey on IVs. I'm using Prednisone (at 60mg) every day, which is making me icky and feeling like a bag or garbage all the time... and my mood swings are now worse than ever. And no matter how many times I apologize, I still feel like some monster when I scream or yell at anyone just because these pills make me go insane for brief moments. It's like teenage hormones... minus acne.
But I still repeat, for now, I'm okay. My JDM is stable enough and if all else fails... I can go to OU and be admitted as a patient for treatments. Which I don't want, because I hated going anyways, and even now I'm not sure when I should or what the signs may be. If that makes sense.
I'm thankful for well wishes, prayers, kind words, and so much more that have been provided since this delimma has popped up.
In all honesty, I am scared, yes. I've never been too stable on JDM, it's always been an out-of-whack disease and never settled for long. Waiting for the other shoe to drop has been a repeat thing for me for all these years and I can't help but wait and wait for it to happen again. Only because it's happened so much already. But, maybe, all will go well. I am merely a month -- trying out the three week IVs just before I was dropped, so my body is still a bit used to every two weeks I think -- since my last IV treatments. Two weeks off. Prednisone up. Anxiety up. Stress up. Hope up. Faith up. And I've read nearly too many books for my own good in this time frame. 26.
So, thanks to all. I love everyone dearly and can never say it enough. <3
If you have any questions, comment here, or go on my Facebook page or to the Zoe's JDM page this is posted to. ^__^
Until next time...
-- Zoe.
8/30/16 update:
The pills are dragging me down a lot. I'm getting more headaches, nausea, and fatigued. I sleep a lot, but then again, I can be just restless. The overall feeling from the steroids are kind of blending together, but it just makes me feel icky and... gross all the time. Plus, it's never fun to wake up and take pills that taste horrid before you eat. I can never manage to get the taste gone until noon...
Whilst browsing throughout some pins on Pinterest, I happened upon something quite interesting. I know, personally, how weird being an American is and how it looks to people around the globe - I was so embraced in Korean and just general foreign culture and how my global friends pointed out things weird about my country. So, I'm going to go into more detail.
1. Portion sizes. || To me, I never care for portion sizes, but I know what they are and how they work and yeah, they're pretty darn weird. Nothing too weird though, because I don't think everyone goes stir-crazy from them or that they're that weird.
2. Flags everywhere. EVERYWHERE. || American freedom, bruh. Ahaha... but no, seriously, there are flags everywhere and if you're where I am, you will not only see American flags, but Confederate flags, Native American flags, and much more. :D
3. Price tags without tax included. How do you know how much you're spending until you get to the cashier? || Hahahaha- you guess. Guesstimate. Unless you want to be the genius in the room and have the taxes on hand and add it up, much like I've witnessed my own Meme do on rare occasions... I digress.
4. Tipping: It was incredibly hard for me to wrap my head about how much is appropriate for the service. || When I learned you don't tip in a lot of foreign countries, I started wishing that it wasn't so normal here! You have no idea how crazy it can be until you live here your entire life. If you give a small amount, your waiter may do something to your food or be rude or get upset, and if you leave too much, you may be hurting your bank account. And it differs from place to place. It's absolutely ridiculous and actually sad how some places that that is how they make their money - off of tips!
5. Advertising prescription drugs. That was the weirdest one for me. "ask your doctor for brand x antidepressants" type commercials on TV. In the UK, your doctor tells you what drugs you should take, not the other way round. || Honestly, that's not how it really works, but a lot of ways that's how it can go. Most of the time I've only seen doctors prescribe from their office and not having someone walk in with an idea of what they need. People always guess when it comes to their ailments, so it's weird seeing that. But they advertise for the money and to gain ground on their meds - companies are like that. They want you to buy their drugs.
6. Everything being designed around cars. || What- I know we have billions of commercials regarding cars, but... is it that car-centric?
7. The sheer amount of commercials on the television, and their lack of quality. || Trust me... they're only getting more and more ignorant as they search for original content for commercials. So, I completely agree. Plus, it's all about money for us, so commercials get the dough to places and for their product's TV time... why not air fifty million?
8. Aerosol cheese. Like seriously I would try it at least once, but that shit looks like cancer. || HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA true.
9. A visiting Italian friend was very puzzled at Americans' use of the phrase, "Oh, really?" group conversations. Somehow he took that as a person challenging his opinion, when in reality, it's jsut some habit a lot of us have that basically means, "Interesting. Can you elaborate?" The guy was red in the face after an hour because he literally thought everyone in our group was challenging every single thing he said. || That's pretty interesting. I understand though because on the internet, if you say "Oh, really?" it sound like a challenging thing and completely sarcastic.
10. Your toilets are too low down and the stalls have massive gaps around the door so that people can see in. You can put a man on the moon but can't design a setup whereby I can have a dump in comfortable privacy. Sort it out America. || I laughed hard at this because WE KNOW. There are so many people who avoid public toilets because of the lack of privacy and even if it's an emergency (like I've experienced) there are generally rude ass people who either comment aloud or give you looks- like, excuse you, not my fault I feel terrible and the stalls are so public?! I don't know why we have them so open... it's ridiculous.
11. Pickles. Your hidden love for pickles. I have been in the states for like 8 years and you guys give a pickle with everything. || It's not really a secret. More of an obsession, really.
12. I find it really weird how college football players are kind of celebrities. They're scrutinized and have fans and do TV interviews, and it just boggles my mind so much. They're just students that do an extra curricular activity! I don't understand. || I don't either, honestly. It's not just football either.
13. Jaywalking is a crime? || Yeah, no one follows that law.
14. Why is bread in the USA so sweet? Sandwich bread, hamburger buns, taste like cake but Americans have no idea what you're talking about because they're used to it. || I... I didn't realize it... whoa. This changes my life.
15. Soft drink is free flowing, everywhere. || Actually, in some places it isn't and we find that ridiculous.
16. You are all so loud! But friendly. || If you're shy around here, it's weird, so it's a social norm for Americans. Being loud is the absolute norm - nothing less. Although I'd prefer the not-so-loud kids because I was one. But now... I'm loud.
17. A very blase approach to credit card security. Signatures don't matter and no one uses a PIN. || Life of Americans; cause our own problems then blame the Government who ultimately cause our problems and-- yeah.
18. The pledge of allegiance is creepy. I know most Americans just say it because they have to in school but if you listen to the words it sounds strange to have children just chanting it off. ||
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. And to the republic, for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." It is pretty damned creepy, I'll admit. We serve our government or we die, simple.
So... there we go. Weird things. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more, especially here in Oklahoma. I should ask my global friends some things and see what they think is weird. I know we've compared our religions and schools; I can name a bunch of differences with those two. Otherwise, I'm back to the rest of the interweb to see what I can find.
NOTE; My pasting is off, and it won't let me fix it as of yet, but please (future self) deal with the issue and fix the fact you can't space without deleting things.
By now, everyone knows about the
“Caitlyn Jenner thing”, as I put it. It isn't that I'm against it
– Hell no. I'm totally for her rights and what she's doing, but
yesterday, during my ride home with my mother... I thought about
writing over it.
A few days ago, when it was really
getting big and everything was airing on E! News and other media...
my dad happened to come over. Now, two things happened that day,
relating to my life, that also relate to Caitlyn Jenner; one was that
a close friend of mine put on Facebook
that he supported her fully, and one of our Bible Belt Christians
commented “gross.” Of course that is the match that stuck a fire
on the somewhat famous-amongst-our-town post. The two fought, and the
girl who commented is notorious for doing things like that; she
always enforces the Bible and her beliefs, which is her right, sure.
I'm not against that. But posting negativity on a post for
positivity... the guy was okay with her right to speak, but fighting
on Facebook over it because it's
against her beliefs... she even went and commented that the guy put
it up, aiming it at her! And he didn't, of course.
Moving
on. My family is super religious, like most of my town (and my state
which lies in Bible Belt, USA). I'm religious, too, but I believe
people can do and be what they want, because it's not my right to
judge and force them to change. And my dad, the overly negative and
hateful commentator of such things, came over and we proceeded to get
in a mini fight about Caitlyn Jenner. “He's gay!” Well, no.
Caitlyn said in her interview that as a man, she was attracted to
women, but now, she wasn't sure. This might have changed. And then my
father proceeds to say and quote the Bible. Relating this back to my
friend's post, we had a young kid (he's a Junior) that is highly
religious and walks around always quoting the Bible and thinking he's
God's prophet. That's okay – totally is. But he came in and tried
to help out the girl, to which my friend said they should quit trying
to “correct” him and let him believe what he wants. He
understands that what he believes is against the Bible. And the rest
of us, who are just like him – we get it.
But do we care? No.
So,
let me explain further.
Christians
always say that God has a predestined path for you, God loves you,
God is always there for you. “You shall not lie with a male as with
a woman; it is an abomination.” Do you know how many of our beloved
Bible figures did lie
with a man and many other women as well as his wife? Dating back
eons, people have done that. We are made to love and have the other
sex only to reproduce. And sure, a chemical in our brain can
determine our sexual orientation, but that's the same thing for sex
and love in general. They are both controlled by chemicals in the
brain. I feel you can love who you want, sleep with who you want,
etc., because it's your life, and if God really
hated it so much... he would put a definite stop to it. But
Christians argue back, “We were given free will.” I know that.
Thank God. We were also given a conscience, which is where that “free
will” resides. We have morals, laws, rules, etc., so on and so
forth, and to this day we sin as much on other things as we do
regarding same-sex things. But which gets the most hate and the most
cruelty? Because being gay, bi, transgender, or even asexual... it's
unnatural and people don't want to wrap their minds around that.
So,
looking to other faults in the Bible; endogamous marriage was popular
through the times of the Bible, as well as marrying (or just
reproducing) with more than one lady. Or man.
Let's
highlight some fun facts. Regarding marriage – specifically
incestuous – here's a list. Women were said to not be able to sleep
with a grandparent's spouse, parent-in-law, sibling's child, spouse's
brother's child, spouse's sister's child, nephews and nieces, child
or stepchild or child-in-law. Men couldn't with a parent, stepparent,
parent's spouse or siblings, uncle/aunt, child-in-law, or spouse's
grandchild. Everything else is seen as okay in the Bible.
Even sleeping with your own daughter.
1
Corinthians 6:9-11 states that if you're unrighteous, you won't enter
the Kingdom of God. So, you can't be sexually immoral (no sex before
marriage, bitches), idolate, adulterers, men who practice gayness
(much more fun word than homosexuality, lmao), thievery, greedy,
drunkards, revilers, swindlers – they don't get into Heaven. By
drunkies, greedy bitches, revilers, thieves, gay men, idolaters,
adulterers, and the sexually immoral! “But no! If we admit our sins
and pray and repent, God will forgive us.” Okay, sure. But why the
hell is it so wrong for someone to love another person who
makes them feel happy and they
get hated on so much, but someone who can be a party-goer who is
addicted to alcohol and drugs, always having sex, and so forth –
why can they be shamed for a day, then repent their sins and seen as
holy, then go back to their old ways (in private) and get into
Heaven? Because I know a lot of people who do that. I honestly do.
And yet so many people see them as amazing Christians. James 4:12
“There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and
to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?”
With
my final quote from above, I think to the fact someone would confront
me, saying, “But you're judging them.” With positivity and
happiness. Why is that so wrong for me to accept them and wish them
happiness? Morality is different than our Bible's commandments.
Romans 1:32 can argue against me, but listen. Morality is “principles
concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad
behavior.” So, you know what? Loving someone isn't wrong. You can't
specify, unless it's in your religion. Wanting to be true to yourself
isn't wrong, unless it's in your religion. In the Bible, a
contradictory thing is that you put to death, and murder, someone who
has committed sin, but your act of sin is “okay” because God said
so. If God is so loving, why is he letting hatred lead to killing
people who were unhappy until they found happiness? Why would God
wish death and fire upon such an act, but forgive others so easily?
That's what Christians around here display, and I don't think they
realize that.
On
salon.com, a post states this, “In
Genesis 19, we read the story of Sodom, from which the terms “sodomy”
and “sodomite” are drawn. In this story, two angels (in both
Hebrew and Greek the word “angel” means “messenger”) came
from God, and visited the town of Sodom. Lot, Abraham’s nephew,
invited the men to lodge with him for the night. Here’s what
Genesis says: “Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every
part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the
house. They called to Lot, ‘Where are the men who came to you
tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.’
Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said,
‘No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two
daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to
you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything
to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof ’
” (Genesis 19:4–8, niv).But
here’s the question I would ask related to this story: is this
story really about loving, committed homosexual relationships? Had
the town’s men gang-raped Lot’s daughters, would this story be
about loving, committed heterosexual relationships? Of course not.
Did the men of Sodom consider themselves homosexual? All of them? Or
was their attack upon these strangers a way of demonstrating power
over them, humiliating them, while violently gratifying their own
sexual desires?”
Back
to morality though, since it is an ultimate thing regarding how you
accept such things as being gay or transgendered. “Yet even though
morals can vary from person to person and culture to culture, many
are practiced universal, as they result from basic human emotions. We
may think of moralizing as an intellectual exercise, but more
frequently it's an attempt to make sense of our gut instinct.” This
was from Psychology Today. I looked through everything; even the
teaching of morality from a young age. I grew up seeing sex on TV,
boobs everywhere, harsh and nasty jokes being thrown about,
teens/young adults partying and drinking, music based on such things.
Yet, I never really was introduced to homosexuality. Even then, when
I was, I accepted it because it's like any other love... just with
the same gender. It may not feel right to you, but to them, it's like
loving any other S.O. Sadly, though, as in this decade we are
watching the world accept same-sex marriage, my town throws tantrums.
My towns also once hung people of color and “wrong-doers” and
apparently we're named after the giant Red Oak tree that we hung them
from. Up until the late 1900s, there was also a sign or something
saying to the P.o.C to not “let the sun set on your here”
which... is racist. But okay, right? It's okay to judge black people
and want them to leave, but since we're Indians, we can be that way.
The Indian morality here is shitty. So is our general morality, but
who am I to say anything? I'm on the wrong side of the board, here.
But I also like to throw facts around because I'm like that. In
ancient times, things were called “wrong” but still practiced by
some of the most outstanding religious figures. Marriages back then –
or even just joining of two – were for business, and most likely
relatives of second-hand nature. Don't even get me started on Adam
and Eve.
So,
my philosophy on things? I don't care about the religion, morality,
equality, etc., but in a sense, I do. I do care that those who love
each other be treated as people who love each other and not
abominations. I do care if people are harassed over their lifestyle
choices. Because, honestly, I would rather side with someone who
finally gets to be happy in their own skin than with a bunch of
people who want them sent straight to Hell for trying to be
themselves. Judging is all the same, sure, but there's a difference
between good and bad judging. If you want to harass and send someone
through Hell because they're doing something that isn't okay in your
book? Go for it, but realize you're being a complete and utter
asshole. They're not affecting you, are they? “They're insulting my
religion” shut up. Shut the fuck up. I am eating a load of calories
but is that truly affecting your diet?
Plus, I'm pretty sure those who are going against your religious
moralization realize it because they've had so many assholes quote
the Bible on a regular basis. So, quit being your judgmental asshole
self, let the person live their life, and let their judgment day
come. As you've said, from the Bible, only God can judge, so let him
and please don't come
at me with bullshit stating, “God would want me to speak of this.”
No. No no no no. No, no... no no nonono. He would appear to us and
tell us. If things like this were truly such a big disgrace, God
could fix it. So shut
the fuck up. Please.
Name: Zoe Patterson
Known as: Cat Lady - jk! KissDromeda, KissDromedaGirl, Juliane (rp), Hyunchul 현철(rp), Sohee/소희.
Age: Nearly two decades old!
Lives at: Tumblr, AFF, blogspot, Twitter, and currently Evexia.
Country: USA
Favorite Colors: Pastels, Lilac, lavender, any shade of purple basically, white, silver, black, any shade of gray (however, Christian Grey isn't one), clear, any shade of blue, teal, coral, salmon.
Language: English (native), Korean (good enough), Spanish (good enough), intros in Italian, Japanese, Greek, and tagalog.
Hobbies: Writing (ofc), browsing the web, taking care of my cats, drawing, thinking up ideas, playing either Sims or Star Wars, reading, reviewing, dancing, singing, composing.
Favorite Quote: "If you believe in yourself, you're unstoppable."
Likes:
♥ Cats [this is a cat basecode so ofc this is here]
♥ Anything artistic
♥ Korean stuff, and many more cultures, too. I wanted to be an Egyptologist.
♥ Rapping and dancing; composing or choreographing
♥ Tumblr, Twitter, ifunny, etc.
Dislikes:
✖ Haters and fakers
✖ anxiety and depression [suffering from both]
✖ dealing with a lot of stress
Exchange Links
The current linked as "Zahra, Tsabbita, and DianeeyA' are the basecoders for this blog, so they get the creds! The rest are ones I like, my friends, and so on.
Random things since this is already here from the basecode. Check it out, and if it's empty, head on over to my Tumblr tags and browse around. eue Scroll down to the Others section!
I found myself in Wonderland, got back on my feet again - Alice by Avril Lavigne
